I have thought that after all this time in working with attachment disorder in children that I was fairly straight forward and lovingly strict. Wrong! My adopted children have shown me that I am a wimpy, frightened mom.
You see last week, I took one of my sweetums to a week of respite therapy. It wasn’t total respite as I went too. This was mostly due to their older age and I knew I needed some fine tuning on my ‘loving mommy’ skills. And boy was that true! You see during the course of the week, I learned something about my style. I ask the kids permission when I ask them to do something.
Asking permission looks like this – “Son, hang up your coat, OK?” OK??? Well guess what follows normally? You’re right – “No” or “Why” – typical child responses. And it was so insidious, I didn’t even know I was saying it. I can imagine what my kids were thinking, who is in charge here? Me or her? And if it is me that is scary because I don’t know how to take care of myself. Of course, they are not even close to being able to express that and it usually came out in verbal abuse instead. So what is the proper ending to the request? Here you go – “got it?”. And amazingly, almost always their response is “Yes Mom!” And they do it!
So now, the arguments have decreased. And because I am still learning this technique, even if I say “OK”, I catch myself and repeat the instruction with the correct ending – Got it?!
Mom’s note: I’m happy to report that our children get healthier every day, thanks to the steps we’ve taken to bond with them. The most important resource we’ve found is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have. If there is only one resource you buy, make it this book!
About the author: By Julie HellstromJulie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.
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