I was first introduced to The Total Transformation by my neighbor. She is the mother of an eight year old autistic child and she told me that it was doing wonders in helping her to parent him. She said that she thought it might help with our five strong-willed kiddos and that I should check it out. I finally agreed, and I’m really glad I did.
What I discovered was a program by a guy named James Lehman, who has a masters in social work, and has worked with troubled teens and children for many years. The thing that struck me right away was that Mr. Lehman was very honest and to-the-point – he tells it like it is – and I like that. His observations are simple, and the tools that he gives you to work with the kids are doable. His main idea, as far as I could see at first glance, was this:
Children need to learn to problem-solve
Mr. Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is to give us as parents the tools we need to train our kids to solve their problems.
It’s as simple as that – most parents are pretty good parents, and they really want to help their kids, but they just don’t know how. What James Lehman does is teach us how, and what I’d like to do in this Total Transformation portion of this blog is to share some of the things I’ve learned from the program.
You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission. The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.
Positive parenting skills – not something you’re just born with! They need to be learned and developed over time. Unfortunately, as far as kids are concerned, the landscape is constantly changing. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, they morph into some other hideous creature that you don’t recognize and you’ve got to learn how to subdue! (Just kidding about the hideous creature – who would ever say that about their kid?)
You can get positive parenting skills in many places: Books, friends, classes, online courses, and many more places. In fact, just surfing the web can give you lots of ideas. Some of our favorite parenting books are Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
A good website with lots of great parenting articles is minti.com. This one is full of articles written by experts – parents themselves! Anyone can contribute. Here’s an article called Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children from another great website with tons of good parenting advice.
The best product we’ve found so far that gives us positive parenting skills that are effective, long lasting and cover a huge range of parenting issues is The Total Transformation by James Lehman, MSW. The strategies he uses are simple to learn. They also deal with the heart behind the behavior which is where the long lasting piece comes in.
One of the tips that seems universal and had an immediate effect in our family was the Disconnect technique. The premise of this is to stop communication with your child if they become abusive or disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum, and you’ll be amazed how fast things change. Communication should not resume until the child takes responsibility for their behavior. It is like a pressure release valve for the parent too. Screaming matches be gone!
This tool is just one of many that he outlines in this CD and DVD set. If you have a household that could use some peace and sanity, you need to read more here. Feel free to browse around this website and take away anything you need. We parents need to stick together!
You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission. The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.
James Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is help us parents give our kiddos the tools they need to solve their problems. The tools that promote responsibility taking and accountability.
Here are three strategies that you will give a straight forward direction in changing things and doing so immediately.
- Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
- Disconnect. Stop talking with the child if they become abusive and disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum and things will turn around right away. We started using this strategy and are amazed at the response. Communication does not resume until they admit their responsibility.
- The consequences need to be task-oriented and time-limited. When able, make the punishment fit the crime. Like, “no phone privileges until you finish your schoolwork”. Your child cannot be punished into behavior that is acceptable. It should be short term, not prison term.
In conclusion, don’t expect overnight results. Results will come, trust me, just not all at once. And then the blame will be replaced with gratitude.
A couple of notes – don’t allow your child’s words or actions to affect your handling of the situation. Being consistent is the number one rule in parenting. However, if you mess up, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are also in parenting training (or retraining). One thing you can count on, you will get a second chance to try out your new skills! By the way, these skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission. The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.
Filed under Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Problem Solving 
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