As we sent our oldest off to college, things – okay emotions – started popping up that I could not have imagined in the darkest, sleepless night. Such as “we could no longer define ourselves as a family of seven”. And really not even 6 due to another child choosing a hard path outside of the house. But that’s another blog. That was surprising. Was I dealing with pride – “oh you have a large family, Yes, thank you I do”? Or was I dealing with loss?
Change was to be expected.
But I realized I did not anticipate this moment when we adopted him. Especially since I had longed to be a mom since I was a child. I wanted to enjoy every moment – live in the present. Not miss a second was my friends’ great advice. We have been doing this same routine for 18 years. So, lost was “it’s another day in the life”. No longer was I sure what our daily family life looked like. How does it reestablish itself?
As it got closer, I started examining – he was not going to be here daily, so there was the change of meals, laundry, babysitter, even chauffeur. Foreseeable. Not so much were the relationship pieces. With us, with his brothers, with his friends, at church. We have a new “oldest” sibling. How do the remaining kiddos readjust to this “at home” birth order?
Another shocker was the void at night when I went to bed. You know, it was the sense of all the chicks are in the nest and I can sleep. Logic has not yet won over that emotion. The sense of protection is hard for me to revamp, I can’t even imagine how my husband must feel here. I awake easier to noises, even the other kids moving around in their beds.
Am I over the top?
Does all of this sound like I am a way “over the top mom” who needs to lighten up and let go? Well, that too has been an emotional struggle. Am I? I have heard a few stories from my friends of the feelings during this transition. They seemed to be sad and then cope. However, one of my friend’s husbands tipped his hand on Facebook though and let me see the struggle is longer than the trip home from dropping them off at school. Phew! Also, the famous Dr. Drew Pinsky wrote an article for Parade magazine, “ The Empty Nest x 3” on 8/28/11, that too confirmed I am in normal emotion range!
For now, the Mighty Mighty Hellstroms are here (and there) – just under construction.
I saw a picture of my daughter today, sleeping. She looked so peaceful and happy. How my heart ached for her, missing her as well as wishing her face looked the same when she was awake. Life has taken a turn that a year ago we had not foreseen.
She is my alphabet soup girl; RAD, ODD, SPD, ADD. We saw all of these come to a monstrous head when she hit puberty. And while we had been working on a few of those already, we were faced with hitting the ground running to save this one from falling off the edge. Sadly, it was a little too little, a little too late.
Her choices became so self destructive and abusive to us and our house that we made a last ditch effort. We found her birth mom. Fortunately, she is in a place in her life where she was able to come alongside us and our daughter. So we made the first of two hard decisions.
- We sent her to meet her birth family. Her hole in her heart that was meant to be filled by her birth parents love was massive. Questions of who do I look like, why did they leave me, why didn’t they come back for me had driven her for so long. Nothing we could do or find to help filled that void. We sought wise counsel and instead of facing a summer of legal issues , hospital visits, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse by her, we bought her a plane ticket – one way.
- After spending the majority of the summer meeting everyone in her birth family and staying out of trouble mostly, the second choice was clear. She needed to stay. The path of destruction still had its mouth gaping wide open here and there only opportunity for a brighter future. While she is not strong enough (yet, we pray!) to resist the first one, we are hoping she will become strong enough to choose the latter. Time will tell. Right now she is angry and blaming us for ruining her life.
You know those stories of mom’s lifting cars when their kiddo is trapped underneath? Well that is how I feel now. I have done something I never thought I could do – send her away and then not let her return. I found my strength and now I hope she will too. And her peace.
I had a valuable reminder this week on how best to handle teens, whether they do or do not have child behavior problems. In parenting a range of kids, sometimes crossing from age to age presents itself with unique challenges. It seems my teens get the short end of the stick with letting them become independent. Let me tell you what I mean.
I tell my 10-year old what to do more than ask him what he would do (I know, I know – I am totally working on letting him use his own brain more!). However, this telling thing not only does not work so well with my teens, it actually backfires resulting in anger or defiance for being treated like a “kid”. So this was the reminder.
Don’t tell a teen what to do, ask them “what are you going to do?” Let them talk through the situation and present their solutions. If you find that their choice is less than desirable, you can say “that is one solution, what is another?” James Lehman does say “that would not be my choice, but it is yours and we will see how that works”. All the time resist the urge to tell them the “best” solution because unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to them.
Then after they tried their solution, ask them how it went and what, if anything they would do differently next time. You could even incorporate some practice with helping them identifying their feelings by asking them how it felt going into the solution and how it felt afterwards. This would be a good jumping off point to maybe trying something different next time if it didn’t feel so well.
James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.
I don’t know if I am the only one, but my Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter blindsides me on a semi-regular basis. Now I know you must be thinking, “Will she ever learn?” but I am the eternal optimist. Or maybe just get caught up in the break from the fight? I am also a bit of a slow learner but I think this time around I have learned 2 things.
Triangulation is a way of life for a RADish. Even though it seems like everything is going great between you and your kiddo, she is working the other side somewhere. She has to have someone on her side to stay in control and in power. Believe me, there are enough people to join her. I have had go rounds this week with a counselor, a teacher, and a friend. This is not a common disorder known to most and I spend a lot of time educating people, though at times it feels like defending my actions.
Don’t take it personal. It is so very hard to have a friend tell you that you are not there for your child (don’t they see the bags under my eyes!) and I need to learn to communicate better with her. It is hard not to feel betrayed both by your daughter, who is trashing you, and the adult who should know me better. I think what really got me was that I had forgotten she did this and was under the grand illusion that we were in lovingly in sync. After processing that info for a while, I came back into adult thinking and realized she isn’t doing this to hurt me just to stay in control, then no one can hurt her!
Both these are burden lifting facts. I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder child and this is what she does. We are getting better (see the lovingly in sync part) but we have a ways to go!
If we can get these truths down as their parents, we can help to much better equip them for a successful life.
Want to learn everything there is to know about parenting reactive attachment disorder kids? Then pick up a copy of When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas today. We call it “The RAD Bible” – we refer to it 10 times a day, at least. Believe me, it will be the best $15 you’ve ever spent!
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