I was first introduced to The Total Transformation by my neighbor. She is the mother of an eight year old autistic child and she told me that it was doing wonders in helping her to parent him. She said that she thought it might help with our five strong-willed kiddos and that I should check it out. I finally agreed, and I’m really glad I did.
What I discovered was a program by a guy named James Lehman, who has a masters in social work, and has worked with troubled teens and children for many years. The thing that struck me right away was that Mr. Lehman was very honest and to-the-point – he tells it like it is – and I like that. His observations are simple, and the tools that he gives you to work with the kids are doable. His main idea, as far as I could see at first glance, was this:
Children need to learn to problem-solve
Mr. Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is to give us as parents the tools we need to train our kids to solve their problems.
It’s as simple as that – most parents are pretty good parents, and they really want to help their kids, but they just don’t know how. What James Lehman does is teach us how, and what I’d like to do in this Total Transformation portion of this blog is to share some of the things I’ve learned from the program.
Our primary job as a positive parent is to make sure our kids are able to function successfully on their own when they leave the house. Every decision we make should be made with that goal in mind. This knowledge and single-minded focus should help us to navigate the waters of parenting much easier, because we have a definite destination in mind.
So how do we accomplish this daunting task? By teaching our kids two skills – problem-solving and accountability. If you’ve got a disrespectful, belligerent child, you’ve probably got a child with a problem he doesn’t know how to solve. As a positive parent, we need to step them through the process of solving that problem, and being accountable for their actions.
- Problem solving journey. The best way to approach this important life skill is to start at the earliest age possible. If they make the mess, they clean it up. Teach them one block at a time. Then face the next problem with that same mindset, one step at a time. This in itself is teaching them problem solving at the core level, from stepping back to form a plan of action through to completion. Let them try, and fail if necessary. Do not rescue!
- Coach him forward. If you watch the last 2 minutes of a close NFL game you’ll notice the coach is usually all business and no emotion. This should be our goal as parents. We’re the trainers for the skills our children need to become successful, responsible adults. We need to be patient and calm as they go through the learning process.
- You are their 1st role model. Sorry it is true. They are constantly watching your every move, good or bad. And learning from it. Approaching problems with a calm examining demeanor will lead them to do so. Don’t fret if you get frazzled over the banged fender every now and again, telling your child you handled that poorly and how you would do it differently next time, teaches them how to positively handle mistakes. Also start handing over life situations. Let them pay for their Happy Meal. This will help them become comfortable with handling their own life.
- Be wise on when and what you teach them. Use your parent’s guage to determine what level of maturity they are at to determine what they can be successful at within a reasonable amount of time. Our goal is to teach them not defeat them. Let the bedspread be crooked and the crumbs be swept from the counter to the floor. Save perfecting these skills for the appropriate times down the road.
- Encourage exploration and experimentation. As they get to be a teen, you need to let them try out their own ideas for problem-solving and encourage and praise their resourcefulness.
- Keep setbacks and failures in perspective. This is life in a nutshell. Both experiences provide fertile ground for ongoing training. Look at these as opportunities that they are and you win. Calm and steady as you go and they win too.
While parenting, especially positive parenting, is a formidable task, do not lose heart. Especially with your teens. These previously mentioned skills will hopefully help you. These skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
Filed under Accountability, Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Problem Solving 
James Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is help us parents give our kiddos the tools they need to solve their problems. The tools that promote responsibility taking and accountability.
Here are three strategies that you will give a straight forward direction in changing things and doing so immediately.
- Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
- Disconnect. Stop talking with the child if they become abusive and disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum and things will turn around right away. We started using this strategy and are amazed at the response. Communication does not resume until they admit their responsibility.
- The consequences need to be task-oriented and time-limited. When able, make the punishment fit the crime. Like, “no phone privileges until you finish your schoolwork”. Your child cannot be punished into behavior that is acceptable. It should be short term, not prison term.
In conclusion, don’t expect overnight results. Results will come, trust me, just not all at once. And then the blame will be replaced with gratitude.
A couple of notes – don’t allow your child’s words or actions to affect your handling of the situation. Being consistent is the number one rule in parenting. However, if you mess up, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are also in parenting training (or retraining). One thing you can count on, you will get a second chance to try out your new skills! By the way, these skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
Filed under Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Problem Solving
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