Apologies are an interesting thing. We were taught as youngsters to always say “sorry”. That is the right thing to do. It just has always bothered me, first to tell my kids to say it and second, the way they say it. ‘Soooorrry’, sniff just does not evoke relationship mending feelings. Over my parenting years I have learned a few things that might clear up and direct us in a more positive training approach in regards to “I am sorry”.
- Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry. But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
- What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
- Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
- Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!
I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!
One of the questions every parent asks when their children become teens (and start acting like teens) is “is this normal teen behavior or are they out of control kids?” So the best place to start to answer this question would be to determine a basic list of “normal” behaviors.
“Normal”
- Acting moody and secretive
- Spending a lot their time alone in their bedroom.
- Easily frustrated, short-tempered, impatient (esp. with parents)
- Door slamming and stomping up/down stairs
- Separating from family activities
- Saying things that seem mean like “Only my friends know what I mean. I hate you. I can’t wait until I can move out!”
- Seem unsatisfied and restless.
Though you may not like to hear these unkind and seemingly uncivil things, it is one of the normal ways teens separate from their parents to become their own person. The following are the “not so normal” list.
“Not So Normal”
- Any kind of physical or verbal abuse, including threats or intimidation, to others
- Abusing younger children including siblings
- Any lawbreaking activities, including getting arrested
- Coming home drunk or high on drugs
- Staying out all night
This is definitely not okay behavior and the sooner you tell your teen this out of control behavior is not acceptable the better off your life and theirs will be. Letting them continue this behavior will have dire consequences as adults.
But just telling them is not the solution. The issue here is their problem solving capabilities. They don’t know how to make friends or communicate in a way that gets their needs met, so they use drugs and alcohol and inappropriate behavior to meet their needs instead. Once you recognize this, you are able to equip them with the tools they need to be able to handle life and growing up in a positive, healthy way.
So what are tools out of control kids need and how do you teach them? Check out The Total Transformation to give you many great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Do you have a child behavior problem around your house? The truth is good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like teaching, sewing, driving a car. I believe there are three important tools that our children are not born with and need to learn as a foundation for good behavior. These are: reading a social situation, managing emotions, and solving problems appropriately.
#1: Reading Social Situations
You and I both do this as adults. You walk into a room and assess the situation. Who is here, where are they sitting, what is the look on peoples’ faces, what is their posture, etc? Well our self-centered little ones normally barge in to a situation like a full force hurricane. Even the shy ones keep their heads down and don’t look around. So teaching them to read the situation helps them to determine if this is a good place to be. For example, if several kids are surrounding one child who looks scared, this is not a place to be. Or even if they are told to leave from a group of kids, it is best to do so as this is evidently a hostile environment.
#2: Managing Emotions:
Start by not asking “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” Ask the right questions when a situation, like hitting, appears.
Then give a consequence for that situation. Now I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Consequences alone are not enough to change the child behavior problem. It must be coupled with the learning process associated with the consequences to change a child’s behavior. The problem is actually not the behavior—the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave.
And then talk to your child about what he can do differently the next time he feels angry or frustrated. This can even be like role playing. And it gives them an arsenal ahead of time to use.
Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills
There really is not a good or bad child. There are children who know how to problem solve and those who don’t. So teaching them how to solve the problem is the key. If you do not teach your children appropriately how to solve problems, they will resort to what they know – hitting, yelling, hurting others (like a 2 year old). And this won’t work so well when they are adults in the work world.
And if they can get these tools down as children, their adult ‘tool belt’ will be much better equipped for a successful life. For more tools to help your child behavior problem, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Parents need to set limits with their kids of all ages. When they’re young, that’s not so tough. It’s easy to keep a toddler from touching the stove, or running out in the street. As they get older, especially into their teen years, it becomes harder and harder. Not only do the limits need to adjust over time, but they are also harder to enforce. This causes some parents to stop setting limits, or at least have trouble deciding how to do this. This is not a good thing!
Teenagers need limits just as much if not more than little kids. At that time of their life, they’re very confused and insecure about themselves, and they need to feel loved. Firm limits and boundaries show a struggling teen love. In addition, the choices they make as teenagers can have much farther reaching effects on them, some that may stick with them for the rest of their life.
Here are 3 ideas for setting limits for older kids and teens.
- Plan ahead. Sometimes, when you run into child behavior problems with your teens, it’s hard to think on the fly. That’s why it’s good to have a predetermined framework of limits and consequences in place that you can fall back on in an emergency.
- Work on your demeanor. This may not sound important, but the way you look and come across to your teenager is especially important when you’re dishing out advice or consequences. You don’t want your face to look to scary or mean. Practice in the mirror, and make sure your face looks kind and calm. I’ve noticed that with my kids that if I have a calm and kind demeanor, it really helps them to listen to me. If my tone is demeaning or harsh, it shuts them right down! Remember, kids are people too, and their feelings get hurt just like anyone else.
- Talk with and listen to your teenager. Sometimes limits need to change, and it’s good to sit down with a difficult child if he looks like he’s going to test a limit – or if he already has. You might discuss his curfew with him, and make him a deal. If he thinks that it’s too early, you could say “OK, how about if you come home on time for a month, than we can look at changing it to a little later”. If he says “It’s no fair – my friends get to stay out until midnight, and I have to be home at 10″, you might say “I think 10 is safe. If you think you can stay safe until 10:30, let’s try that”. If they still want to stay out later, you could say “Let’s try 10:30 for a couple of weeks, and see how you do. Then we’ll talk about switching it to later”.
Limit setting is one of the most important things you can do for a child – don’t give up when you’re on the homestretch!
Do you have trouble setting limits for your teens?
For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
What exactly do you learn from Total Transformation? In other words, how does the program work?
If you think that you’ll change your kid’s behaviors without changing your own behavior, then whatever you do, don’t buy Total Transformation. As we go through the DVD’s and CD’s, it becomes abundantly clear that James Lehman is out to teach us as parents to change how we deal with our children, which in turn will make the child change.
Mr. Lehman states over and over that the main reason that kids are disobedient, out-of-control, and abusive is they don’t have problem solving skills, and acting out is the way they get through life, instead of learning to problem solve. Mr. Lehman shows us many different skills we can start using as parents in order to help our kids learn, but you’ve got to want to work at it! Nothing happens overnight!
There are many different permissive styles that parents have in raising their children, and most of them are ineffective. Some of these include the martyr, the screamer, bottomless pockets, over-negotiator, and the perfectionist. These are the roles that we as parents need to change if we’re going to help our kid to problem solve, and get our house back to normal. Mr. Lehman goes over each of these roles and cures for them in the Total Transformation, and I’m going to touch on most if not all of them in my reviews of the program.
Here’s the truth – you probably need to change your behavior. You can’t expect to fix your child if you’re not willing to learn and grow yourself. If that sounds like something you won’t mind doing, then Total Transformation might be for you.
Next up – The Total Transformation Workbook.
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