One of the ineffective parenting roles James Lehman talks about in the Total Transformation is the over-negotiator. Here’s how that manifests itself in our house.
It is hard to set reasonable rules for our family. And even harder when I try to enforce them that I meet the “master negotiator”. You know what I am talking about, the kid who likes to put his toe over the line. Wants to just see where you will budge. It is the hardest to not give in too.
I like to not always be a “no” mom, so I want to try to find places where I can say yes. But I have found this is not normally a good area to do this. Why? Because this tells the child that your rules are not firm. And I know when I have caved because I get this helpless, I am not in control feeling.
Now I am not talking about general things, like “can I put my socks in the dirty clothes after I save off this video game?”, but more about, “can I stay out 15 extra minutes tonight?”. Which will turn into 20 tomorrow and on and on. So I have to pick which rules I will not negotiate and stick to them.
Then I look for other areas that give me the “yes” mom happiness that I want. It turns into a win-win situation because the child knows your no means no and that creates security for him.
Filed under Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Total Transformation Review
One of the questions that quite often gets asked when people come to this website is does Total Transformation really work? They want to know many different individual’s opinions on the program when they don’t have anything to gain or lose from reviewing it, in other words, they’re not making any money off the product.
I love the Total Transformation program, and use the tools I’ve learned from it every day with my five kids. I’ve tried to be as honest and straightforward with my review as possible, but I also thought it might be useful to give some unbiased opinions from others when asked if the Total Transformation really works?
So I searched the internet and found as many unbiased opinions as I could as to whether Total Transformation really works or not. By unbiased, I mean that as far as I could tell, the people giving the opinion had nothing to gain from the answer, since there was no link to a sales page or anything like that. So here you go! (I’ve tried to keep them as original as possible, just adding the name of the commenter. In some instances I may have fixed some spelling or grammar, but nothing that would affect the meaning of the comment).
Crystal G says:
We just bought it ourselves, got it yesterday. I watched the first disk (Jump Start) and although it kind of played like a long commercial for something I had already bought, there was some good information in there. It gave me hope that this just may help. I think the thing that jumped out at me the most was when he said “You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to”.
Hey if this program can show me another way of dealing with things and how to deal with things in order to get a different reaction from my child than I am getting now it will have been worth 20 times what it cost… All I know is that it can’t hurt to try a different way since what I am doing now certainly isn’t working.
So, bottom line is I haven’t had it long enough to tell you if it is going ot work, but just watching the first DVD gave me hope, which I didn’t have much of before that.
Fishman says:
I have The Total Transformation program for a reason and LOVE it! A lot more information can be found on Empowering Parents which is an ezine about Child Behavior and Parenting. The site is owned by Legacy Publishing Company, the creators of The Total Transformation but it is presented in a very informative way, not really a sales pitch, if you love the information there, you will fall in love with the program!
Diane says:
I have used this program. This program is good stay consistent with it. The first day I started putting things in motion my kids hated it. Use words like you had a choice and you choose to do this. And now because you chose this you also chose this punishment. It gives a lot of practice steps etc. I think the older your child is and how far they are gone really needs professional help, but if your children are not severe than this program can work for you.
I want to say that as a parent, you have to be very dedicated to this program and be very consistent. What I did was watched a new video every week and then practiced each level for a couple of weeks before moving on. I would say give it a try.
The program will work if you are dedicated as long as there aren’t other issues as well, my oldest son was too far gone to have it work for me and he is in a juvenile detention center, but my other children it has worked very nice.
Seasidesu says:
I started using The Total Transformation …. a couple of months ago. What I really like about this program (and there are so many things!) is that it gave me some practical things to do immediately to help stop my son’s obnoxious behavior. Like July said, there’s a series of CDs. It’s helped me understand how my child thinks, how (and WHY) he has these outbursts and some different roles that he and I have both fallen into. It’s definitely helped me implement a more effective parenting style, and his siblings are happy, too!
Denise Says:
I have the Total Transformation System (bought for me by my well-meaning parents) and while I think it is probably a good system, I have to admit that it was hard for me to get through the audio CDs….they actually put me to sleep! I hope to get through the entire program some day…..
Good luck!
Kimi says:
Yes, I have used Total Transformation. It is a program that identifies problem behaviors and targets the root of the problem so that the behavior is no longer necessary for the child. The entire family should be on board with the program, along with teachers/day care providers/grandparents or anyone that comes in contact with the child for an extended period of time. The DVD’s are great, and the plans are intended for the entire family, not just the child….which is good because it doesn’t single the child out. There are workbooks and worksheets, incentives as tools and responses to use for different behaviors.
Yes, the program works….as long as everyone in the family is absolutely committed to the program, and will FOLLOW THROUGH with the prescribed action/reaction to each negative behavior from the child.
Your child is worth the investment, financially, emotionally and physically. If you, as a parent, are at the point where you are looking for help with your defiant, ADD, ADHD child, then this is the right program for you.
S. Lamb says:
As a parent “Adult” of a defiant child, I have found this program very helpful. Please know that their are children who display behaviors which require personal professional help. These children are beyond the realm of what this program was designed for. However, this program is very, very effective with the majority of children who live in a somewhat healthy home. Parents who are setting a good example for their children but face a defiant child will benefit if they TRULY implement these new skills on a consistent basis. Myself and a few friends have been more than pleased with what we have learned and the results we are getting. If you implement these parenting techniques you will begin to feel a peace if you just allow the child to suffer the consequences of their choices at an early age. Life will always have consequences (good and bad) but children who don’t learn this at an early natural age become adults who know no rules or boundaries. I know because I have a young adult child that I am having to re-teach due to my own ineffective parenting.
So there you have it. This program works!
I have to learn more! Don’t settle for the ongoing battles and frustrations.
Make today the day you start the change. Click here and see if The Total Transformation really works for you too!
Filed under Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Total Transformation Review
Positive parenting skills – not something you’re just born with! They need to be learned and developed over time. Unfortunately, as far as kids are concerned, the landscape is constantly changing. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, they morph into some other hideous creature that you don’t recognize and you’ve got to learn how to subdue! (Just kidding about the hideous creature – who would ever say that about their kid?)
You can get positive parenting skills in many places: Books, friends, classes, online courses, and many more places. In fact, just surfing the web can give you lots of ideas. Some of our favorite parenting books are Parenting Teens with Love and Logic and For Parents Only
. These 2 books will give you lots of helpful advice when it comes to dealing with teens. For Parents Only
is pretty cool because it gives you information from a teenager’s point of view – the author interviews several hundreds of teenagers to get their opinions, good stuff.
A good website with lots of great parenting articles is minti.com. This one is full of articles written by experts – parents themselves! Anyone can contribute. Here’s an article called Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children from another great website with tons of good parenting advice.
The best product we’ve found so far that gives us positive parenting skills that are effective, long lasting and cover a huge range of parenting issues is The Total Transformation by James Lehman, MSW. The strategies he uses are simple to learn. They also deal with the heart behind the behavior which is where the long lasting piece comes in.
One of the tips that seems universal and had an immediate effect in our family was the Disconnect technique. The premise of this is to stop communication with your child if they become abusive or disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum, and you’ll be amazed how fast things change. Communication should not resume until the child takes responsibility for their behavior. It is like a pressure release valve for the parent too. Screaming matches be gone!
This tool is just one of many that he outlines in this CD and DVD set. If you have a household that could use some peace and sanity, you need to read more here. Feel free to browse around this website and take away anything you need. We parents need to stick together!


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