James Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is help us parents give our kiddos the tools they need to solve their problems. The tools that promote responsibility taking and accountability.
Here are three strategies that you will give a straight forward direction in changing things and doing so immediately.
- Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
- Disconnect. Stop talking with the child if they become abusive and disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum and things will turn around right away. We started using this strategy and are amazed at the response. Communication does not resume until they admit their responsibility.
- The consequences need to be task-oriented and time-limited. When able, make the punishment fit the crime. Like, “no phone privileges until you finish your schoolwork”. Your child cannot be punished into behavior that is acceptable. It should be short term, not prison term.
In conclusion, don’t expect overnight results. Results will come, trust me, just not all at once. And then the blame will be replaced with gratitude.
A couple of notes – don’t allow your child’s words or actions to affect your handling of the situation. Being consistent is the number one rule in parenting. However, if you mess up, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are also in parenting training (or retraining). One thing you can count on, you will get a second chance to try out your new skills! By the way, these skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
I wanted to spend some time talking about the things I need as a parent to work on. You don’t find this information discussed in a lot of parenting skills arenas. And this tendency to not look within and be open about it, makes me feel like the areas where I am inadequate are horrible. And there is a sense of being hopeless that accompanies that because I don’t know what to do replace them and then with what?
The answers I was looking for I found, thankfully, in the Total Transformation program. It was as if James Lehman looked right inside me and pointed out the areas that were blocking my abilities to parent my kids well. These were things that made my parenting fail more than I wanted.
A Change is in the Air
I’d like to show you a few effective parenting tips that gave me results right away.
- Family business. Using a semi-formal business-like demeanor in handling out-of-line behaviors will leave you in the driver seat. When emotions are allowed to rule, control is given to the child. Their actions are not personally aimed at you, really! If you can remember they aren’t even sure who they are most days, it will help you parent effectively.
- Transition Time. This is one of my favorites. Basically, discuss with your children that there will be a 10-15 minute window when either of you gets home where no questions are asked or problems presented. Everyone gets these few moments to unwind, catch up on the news of the day and reenter the family. Doing this without being barraged will make you a happier, interested parent. And your teen won’t feel attacked.
- Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is some confusion here as we have always been told to love our children unconditionally. However, that is an emotional love and not a responsible love. This will lead your child to feel unsafe and unloved. A child feels loved when you set rules and are in charge.
- Replacement and reciprocity. Be prepared to give your child replacement appropriate behaviors. Mention the rewards and mutual benefits of dealing with the situation appropriately. This works much better than yelling “stop”. It does however require some thinking ahead as well as some creative thinking.
Please know that this is not the end of the list. We as parents can and need to constantly be improving and changing ourselves. This is vitally important if we were not shown good parenting as children. Don’t be afraid of these changes. The benefits you will reap will come in the form of a honest, loving relationship with these sweeties! And there is no cost too great for that!
For many more tips and techniques for inside out parenting, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
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