Some days I want to just want to give in. Let them make a second dinner they like, take off the time limits on the computer, not be their friends on Facebook, no grounding for bad grades, let them text at the dinner table, not check in where they are at, wake them when they oversleep, don’t remind them to brush their teeth or take a shower or pick up their dirty clothes. Let them leave their dishes everywhere, stay up as late as they want, have snacks right before dinner, not have to go to church or youth group with the family or say thank you or please, drive them to school when they are late and take their homework when they forget it. Buy them whatever they ask for in the store and drive them where ever they want to go whenever they want to go. Let them go to parties without checking to see if parents are going to be there or go places with their “friend” without chaperoning no matter what their age. Allow them to talking rudely to us or others without any reprimand. Don’t do chores or participate in family work projects. Never ask them to help set the table, clear the table or empty garbages. Oh how much easier life would be!
Or would it?
Maybe for just the moment but boy would I pay later. Why, you ask? Because an undisciplined child feels unloved. And in order to get disciplined (aka be loved) they will up the ante. “Where is the boundary?” they will ask and push until they find it. So for my momentary respite I pay for it with at least hours of recuperation. I muster on!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
Hi! I’m Julie and I am an enabler! Yep, I figured this out (with a bit of help from my therapist – OK, a lot of help from my therapist!) recently. You see I got crossed up along the parenting way. The confusion came on slowly and was not even recognizable until it was too late.
Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.
- It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
- I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
- And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.
Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
I saw a picture of my daughter today, sleeping. She looked so peaceful and happy. How my heart ached for her, missing her as well as wishing her face looked the same when she was awake. Life has taken a turn that a year ago we had not foreseen.
She is my alphabet soup girl; RAD, ODD, SPD, ADD. We saw all of these come to a monstrous head when she hit puberty. And while we had been working on a few of those already, we were faced with hitting the ground running to save this one from falling off the edge. Sadly, it was a little too little, a little too late.
Her choices became so self destructive and abusive to us and our house that we made a last ditch effort. We found her birth mom. Fortunately, she is in a place in her life where she was able to come alongside us and our daughter. So we made the first of two hard decisions.
- We sent her to meet her birth family. Her hole in her heart that was meant to be filled by her birth parents love was massive. Questions of who do I look like, why did they leave me, why didn’t they come back for me had driven her for so long. Nothing we could do or find to help filled that void. We sought wise counsel and instead of facing a summer of legal issues , hospital visits, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse by her, we bought her a plane ticket – one way.
- After spending the majority of the summer meeting everyone in her birth family and staying out of trouble mostly, the second choice was clear. She needed to stay. The path of destruction still had its mouth gaping wide open here and there only opportunity for a brighter future. While she is not strong enough (yet, we pray!) to resist the first one, we are hoping she will become strong enough to choose the latter. Time will tell. Right now she is angry and blaming us for ruining her life.
You know those stories of mom’s lifting cars when their kiddo is trapped underneath? Well that is how I feel now. I have done something I never thought I could do – send her away and then not let her return. I found my strength and now I hope she will too. And her peace.
Back in 1996, then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote a book called “It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us”. She got a lot of flack when she wrote the book, including Bob Dole’s quote “With all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child.” At the time, I couldn’t have agreed with Mr. Dole more. Now that I’ve got children with special needs, I’m leaning a little the other way. Not in the way Mrs. Clinton intended it, but I’ve found that when you’re trying to raise these kids, it’s imperative that you have a village to help you raise them – you just need to make sure it’s the right village!
One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child. And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.
The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.
First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:
- Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
- People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
- Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.
Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
A+ Child Requirements
We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.
Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:
Respectful
- Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
- Leave other people’s things alone
- Keep your word
- Be kind
Responsible
- Do your chores without being asked
- Fast and snappy and right the first time
- Clean up after ourselves
- Ask for help
- Be honest
- Take care of feelings in an OK manner
Fun to be around
- Don’t call names
- Give people a chance
- Brush teeth
- Listen and don’t interrupt
- Don’t swear
- Good manners
In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:
- Embarrassed
- Angry
- Happy
- Lonely
- Sad
So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
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