I don’t know if I am the only one, but my Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter blindsides me on a semi-regular basis. Now I know you must be thinking, “Will she ever learn?” but I am the eternal optimist. Or maybe just get caught up in the break from the fight? I am also a bit of a slow learner but I think this time around I have learned 2 things.
Triangulation is a way of life for a RADish. Even though it seems like everything is going great between you and your kiddo, she is working the other side somewhere. She has to have someone on her side to stay in control and in power. Believe me, there are enough people to join her. I have had go rounds this week with a counselor, a teacher, and a friend. This is not a common disorder known to most and I spend a lot of time educating people, though at times it feels like defending my actions.
Don’t take it personal. It is so very hard to have a friend tell you that you are not there for your child (don’t they see the bags under my eyes!) and I need to learn to communicate better with her. It is hard not to feel betrayed both by your daughter, who is trashing you, and the adult who should know me better. I think what really got me was that I had forgotten she did this and was under the grand illusion that we were in lovingly in sync. After processing that info for a while, I came back into adult thinking and realized she isn’t doing this to hurt me just to stay in control, then no one can hurt her!
Both these are burden lifting facts. I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder child and this is what she does. We are getting better (see the lovingly in sync part) but we have a ways to go!
If we can get these truths down as their parents, we can help to much better equip them for a successful life.
Want to learn everything there is to know about parenting reactive attachment disorder kids? Then pick up a copy of When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas today. We call it “The RAD Bible” – we refer to it 10 times a day, at least. Believe me, it will be the best $15 you’ve ever spent!
Remember the program that we saw as teens called “Scared Straight”? It was about teenagers who were in juvenile detention that had meetings with adults currently in the prison system. The adult prisoners minced no words in explaining how they had wasted their lives and how these teens were wasting theirs too. And they used extremely graphic illustrations on what prison life was truly like.
So I was thinking the other day about how using that philosophy might work with my kids when doing their homework or chores seemed stupid to them. What if I sat down and told them what life would look like if they didn’t know how to write a sentence. Like no ability to submit a resume for a job or apply to college even. Or what if they didn’t learn how to vacuum their room or do their laundry. How could they expect to stay healthy in an unhealthy environment let alone attract a great mate if they couldn’t even wash the ketchup off their shirt.
And what if I started pointing out areas where they could expect to live or even jobs that they could expect to do. Maybe take them to a homeless shelter and let the people there share their stories. Explain to them with low paying jobs (if they could get one at all since they can’t add 2+2), they couldn’t afford a car or possibly not even public transportation. Then show them the distance from where they might live to the soup kitchen where they would eat. And explain how walking in the winter on unshoveled sidewalks in freezing sleet with a thin coat for long distances sounds somewhat unpleasant.
Don’t even get me started on all the perks they currently enjoy because Dad and I have college educations and good paying jobs (knowing how to add 2+2), like vacations, toys, video games, ipods, computers, trips to the doctor when they are sick etc.
After this stark reality check, I think I would simply state – “Now about doing that homework/chore?”
So maybe there are other parenting tools that would work before you had to use the Scared Straight philosophy. Check out The Total Transformation to give you some of these great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
One of the questions every parent asks when their children become teens (and start acting like teens) is “is this normal teen behavior or are they out of control kids?” So the best place to start to answer this question would be to determine a basic list of “normal” behaviors.
“Normal”
- Acting moody and secretive
- Spending a lot their time alone in their bedroom.
- Easily frustrated, short-tempered, impatient (esp. with parents)
- Door slamming and stomping up/down stairs
- Separating from family activities
- Saying things that seem mean like “Only my friends know what I mean. I hate you. I can’t wait until I can move out!”
- Seem unsatisfied and restless.
Though you may not like to hear these unkind and seemingly uncivil things, it is one of the normal ways teens separate from their parents to become their own person. The following are the “not so normal” list.
“Not So Normal”
- Any kind of physical or verbal abuse, including threats or intimidation, to others
- Abusing younger children including siblings
- Any lawbreaking activities, including getting arrested
- Coming home drunk or high on drugs
- Staying out all night
This is definitely not okay behavior and the sooner you tell your teen this out of control behavior is not acceptable the better off your life and theirs will be. Letting them continue this behavior will have dire consequences as adults.
But just telling them is not the solution. The issue here is their problem solving capabilities. They don’t know how to make friends or communicate in a way that gets their needs met, so they use drugs and alcohol and inappropriate behavior to meet their needs instead. Once you recognize this, you are able to equip them with the tools they need to be able to handle life and growing up in a positive, healthy way.
So what are tools out of control kids need and how do you teach them? Check out The Total Transformation to give you many great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
A new added definition for tough love has taken form in our household. My 16 year old daughter has always danced to her own music. So when she asked and asked to have a nose piercing, it was no great surprise. We had been saying no to tattoos and piercing for over 4 years. However, what did surprise me was her dad said yes. You see, he told me, we have to pick our fights carefully.
We have started looking for ways not to fight with kids and to avoid power struggles. We have known our whole parenting career that our place was teach them to become independent, successful adults. And letting them go as they grow. This looks like letting kids make decisions on things we maybe didn’t like but could live with. James Lehman, MSW has a good word picture. “If you picture decision–making as a room, imagine that in the middle of the room are all the “soft” decisions—including what kind of music your child likes, what kind of clothes your son wears, who your daughter’s favorite movie star is. The walls of the room are the hard decisions around things like health, safety and academic performance.” So the “soft” decisions are ones we may not like but can live with.
However, our daughter starts pushing on the walls, we must stand and fight. We state the rules very clearly: “No, you can’t use drugs or drink or stay out all night.” And we stand firm on these house rules for all our kiddos. Things like drugs and alcohol, shoplifting, damaging people’s property and assault are easy to define—these types of behavior are very black and white. And there are laws to prove it.
We also stand on some of the “soft” issues if there is a moral problem with it. Like modesty in clothing or if their choice in music is offensive or violent. We do say “You don’t have a right to listen to this music in my house,” and have found many parents do say that. But we have to make our family’s values and positions very, very clear so that when she looks to find solid ground later, she’ll know where to look.
We know our daughter may not do the things we want her to do—and she may do things we don’t want her to do. We also know we want to keep the lines of communication open either way. And have ultimately found that in choosing our battles, saying yes or using tough love, things are calmer around here and she is talking to us more and more kindly!
For many more tips and techniques to deal with tough love and choosing your battles, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Children with oppositional defiant disorder are not so good at handling the word no. They hear “If I’m not in control, bad things happen. When bad things are happening around me, the only way I can survive is by being in control.” For oppositional defiant disorder children being out of control is the worst thing that can happen to them because they don’t feel safe.
Most of us learn at an early age, around 3 or 4, that while “no” is disappointing because it means you don’t get want you want, that no is okay and they learn to adapt. For ODD kids, they react with kicking or hitting or property damage which ultimately makes them feel more out of control and the wheel starts turning.
However, every child needs to learn to handle the word no and the oppositional defiant disorder child is no different. So there is hope because there are things parents can do to avoid or to redirect their child’s behavior, or escape from explosive behavior.
Avoid the conflict – This is one strategy that is very successful. These kiddos need structure and a great way to give them that is to set up a daily schedule.
3 – 4 Snacks, relax
4 – 5 Homework and chores
5 – 6 Dinner
6 – 7 Play time
7 – 8 TV
9 Bedtime
So when Bobby asks to play during homework time. Instead of saying “no”, you can say something like “You know the schedule. This is homework time. Play time is at 6.” This not only avoids having to say no, but also teaches them how to follow a schedule, which ultimately gives them the structure they crave.
Redirect the behavior – If the situation starts to escalate, redirect his attention. “Remember, you can play at 6. Stay focused on your homework”. Then walk away. If you don’t think this is going to work, then redirect for a moment with something else like “Can you go get the frozen roast out of the freezer and put it in the microwave to defrost. That would be a great help.”
Escape from conflict – If the situation has escalated, simply state your position and turn and walk away! “It is not time for you to play, it is time for you to do your homework”. Do not turn back once you walk away. They will most definitely try to turn you around (and if you do the ODD kid wins and you lose the power), even if they are backtalking all the way to the chore.
The oppositional defiant disorder child can learn coping skills and as parents of these kids, that is very important to remember! As the poet Theodore Roethke said “a slow growth is a hard thing to endure.” Time and age helps with these guys. It just takes more patience on our part. Stick to a plan and I believe you will see real change.
For many more tips and techniques to deal with an oppositional defiant child, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
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