Being a parent of five children, I’m constantly struggling with child behavior problems, and how to deal with them. It just goes with the territory. But last week, it came to a head, and I came to a few realizations that I don’t think I had before. Here’s what happened:
My oldest son has a new “friend” that’s a girl (we don’t want them to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but it looks like they’re moving down that road pretty fast. More on our feelings about that in another post). Anyway, Sarah came over after school to watch a movie with Bobby. That’s it – pretty benign, right? Well, not as far as my kid’s are concerned!
You’d think the sky was falling, or we were going to Disneyland or something. They all just became out-of-control kids: loud, no manners, saying inappropriate things, and on and on. This type of child behavior problems went on all night – long after Sarah had gone home for the evening. It was crazy! I was totally embarrassed, enough so that I canceled a fun family weekend we had planned.
What I came to realize is that my kids need to have a pretty structured schedule. They feel very out-of-control when anything is out of the ordinary at all. I believe this goes back to the very first months of their lives, when they weren’t cared for in a healthy way. So we are trying to keep it orderly and under control – therefore avoiding this type of children behavior issues.
I just happened to be browsing the Empowering Parents website, and I found an article by James Lehman called Are You Embarrassed By Your Child’s Behavior? 5 Ways To Cope that helped me out concerning my embarrassment. It gave me a few tips, and I’ll share a little bit from the article.
- Don’t guess what people around you are thinking. Unless they say flat out “You’re a horrible parent”, you don’t really know what they’re thinking. They could be thinking “I remember when my kid did that”, or “I’m glad I’m not going through that phase with my son anymore”. Don’t be a mind reader.
- Focus on the behavior at hand: It’s not about you, it’s about the child. When your child misbehaves in public, they need something from you – focus on their needs, not your feelings.
- Use “avoid” and “escape” as short-term strategies. If you know the type of situations that cause your kids behavior problems, try to avoid those situations. Also, give you and your child an “escape” plan – a way to get out of the situation if things start to break down.
These are just a few strategies I learned from this article. To read the whole article, click here.
For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
I don’t know if I am the only one, but my Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter blindsides me on a semi-regular basis. Now I know you must be thinking, “Will she ever learn?” but I am the eternal optimist. Or maybe just get caught up in the break from the fight? I am also a bit of a slow learner but I think this time around I have learned 2 things.
Triangulation is a way of life for a RADish. Even though it seems like everything is going great between you and your kiddo, she is working the other side somewhere. She has to have someone on her side to stay in control and in power. Believe me, there are enough people to join her. I have had go rounds this week with a counselor, a teacher, and a friend. This is not a common disorder known to most and I spend a lot of time educating people, though at times it feels like defending my actions.
Don’t take it personal. It is so very hard to have a friend tell you that you are not there for your child (don’t they see the bags under my eyes!) and I need to learn to communicate better with her. It is hard not to feel betrayed both by your daughter, who is trashing you, and the adult who should know me better. I think what really got me was that I had forgotten she did this and was under the grand illusion that we were in lovingly in sync. After processing that info for a while, I came back into adult thinking and realized she isn’t doing this to hurt me just to stay in control, then no one can hurt her!
Both these are burden lifting facts. I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder child and this is what she does. We are getting better (see the lovingly in sync part) but we have a ways to go!
If we can get these truths down as their parents, we can help to much better equip them for a successful life.
Want to learn everything there is to know about parenting reactive attachment disorder kids? Then pick up a copy of When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas today. We call it “The RAD Bible” – we refer to it 10 times a day, at least. Believe me, it will be the best $15 you’ve ever spent!
Do you have a child behavior problem around your house? The truth is good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like teaching, sewing, driving a car. I believe there are three important tools that our children are not born with and need to learn as a foundation for good behavior. These are: reading a social situation, managing emotions, and solving problems appropriately.
#1: Reading Social Situations
You and I both do this as adults. You walk into a room and assess the situation. Who is here, where are they sitting, what is the look on peoples’ faces, what is their posture, etc? Well our self-centered little ones normally barge in to a situation like a full force hurricane. Even the shy ones keep their heads down and don’t look around. So teaching them to read the situation helps them to determine if this is a good place to be. For example, if several kids are surrounding one child who looks scared, this is not a place to be. Or even if they are told to leave from a group of kids, it is best to do so as this is evidently a hostile environment.
#2: Managing Emotions:
Start by not asking “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” Ask the right questions when a situation, like hitting, appears.
Then give a consequence for that situation. Now I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Consequences alone are not enough to change the child behavior problem. It must be coupled with the learning process associated with the consequences to change a child’s behavior. The problem is actually not the behavior—the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave.
And then talk to your child about what he can do differently the next time he feels angry or frustrated. This can even be like role playing. And it gives them an arsenal ahead of time to use.
Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills
There really is not a good or bad child. There are children who know how to problem solve and those who don’t. So teaching them how to solve the problem is the key. If you do not teach your children appropriately how to solve problems, they will resort to what they know – hitting, yelling, hurting others (like a 2 year old). And this won’t work so well when they are adults in the work world.
And if they can get these tools down as children, their adult ‘tool belt’ will be much better equipped for a successful life. For more tools to help your child behavior problem, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
It’s difficult to say “no” to your kids and with out of control kids it is actually harder. It’s also challenging to follow through. It’s kind of a knee jerk reaction. So then you usually are backed into a corner. You have to stick with your “no” and that’s when the trouble takes place.
Let us go through this slowly. Initially, you have said no to your problem children. Next question, you guessed it, ‘why’? A quick explanation is all you will need. If you start overexplaining, you are handing the power over to them. That is what a defiant child wants – power. And it is a quick road to go down, because we believe it is best to get them to comprehend and then they will be okay with your answer.
But they don’t get okay with the answer. What takes place is you end up compromising. And then you begin changing the rules. And whenever you do this, you are training your kiddo to not take no for an answer. This is not very good for a struggling teen.
And if you play this out, he not only is getting educated to take no for an answer, you are rewarding him too. Yep, if he makes you switch the rules to what he wants, he gets what he wants! Thus the reward. Here are 5 helping steps to sticking to your no.
- Set up your authority early on. Start setting boundaries very early in life. This includes good structure too. Such as holding your 3 yr. old child’s hand when crossing the road. This is your foundation.
- Look for over-stimulation. If your kid is over-stimulated, he will seem to be like one of those out of control children. And, thus, they have a very hard time following directions. The best thing to do right here is provide them a 5-minute break. Then give them a opportunity to do what they were asked. If they are not able, offer them a few more minutes in the room to quiet down.
- Do not allow them turn you around. If you have fairly given your child a short explanation and he starts to fight, the absolute thing to do is say “No, I am not going to discuss this any more”. Then walk away. DO NOT TURN AROUND. If you do, you provide him the power to turn you around every time.
- Explain to your kid the new guidelines. The best time to explain the new “no” guidelines to your defiant child is when everything is calm. Tell them ‘no means no’. Help them come up with some coping techniques if no is a word that frustrates them.
- Remember these 3 Parenting Roles: Instructor, Trainer and Limit Setter. All three of these roles are vital. The first 2 lead up to being able to effortlessly do the 3rd. A side note, not one of these roles is buddy. We are, however, to be friendly and show positive feelings to them.
That is the basic rundown. Hopefully, you will get a jump start on your child discipline at an early age, so you do not have to encounter kid behavior problems. Bear in mind, if you let them get away with not taking no for answer as kids, they’ll do it as grown ups. This will lead to problems in human relationships.
For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
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