RAD Moms Have It Tough

RAD moms have one of the hardest jobs in the world. When I say “RAD” moms, I’m not talking about “Radical”, as in super-cool, though that’s a pretty good description of them. RAD moms are mothers of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and let me tell you it can be a nightmare!

I’m a RAD dad, and I don’t have it as tough. Yes, it’s hard parenting these kids, but my wife is the one that really gets the brunt of the pain. Why is this? It’s because when a child is a baby, it’s the mom that’s supposed to take care of him or her. It’s the mom that’s supposed to hold them, to look in their eyes, to be the primary care giver. When that connection is broken or damaged for any reason, the child then learns not to trust anyone, especially the one that is supposed to take care of them. So then as that child grows older, the adopted mom get’s the anger transferred to them that was directed at their birth mom.

What happens is that the RAD mom gets abused by the child – verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. It’s very, very hard for that mom. The sad thing is that quite often that child is a perfect angel around everyone else, and people don’t believe that the mom is suffering.

So what can you do for a RAD mom? Here are a few ideas – I’m sure you can think of more!

• Believe the parents! This is the most important thing, in my opinion. RAD kids lie almost all of the time, and they’re very good at it. One of the main reasons they lie is to triangulate – they get other adults on their side against their mom. Nancy Thomas says that when she is asked what she does for a living, she quite often says that she works with abused parents. This is very true! Please believe the mom and dad of RAD kids when they tell you what they’re dealing with!
• Don’t hug a RAD child. The RAD kiddo needs to get all hugs and physical touch from their mom and dad. They need to learn to trust their parents!
• Don’t buy into a RAD kid’s line of “I wish you were my mom, you’re a lot better than the one I have”. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop around for new parents or better living situations.
• Give her a break. RAD moms need an hour or two here and there to get their hair done or paint their nails. Go over to her house and let her do that.
• Give her some time with the RAD dad. This is important – especially for them to have a weekend away from time to time. Learn to be a respite provider for this weary couple – click here for a good resource to teach you just that!
• Most of all, be her friend. RAD moms feel isolated and defeated – they need all the friends they can get – mainly, to give them a shoulder to cry on and an ear for listening.

Those are a few ideas for helping out a RAD mom – put your mind to it and I’m sure you can come up with some more!

Are you a RAD mom looking for help? The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.

We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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