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8:26 am
June 4, 2011
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We were the caregivers to a 14 year old boy after a violence issue took him out of his home. He went back to be with his family about 2 months ago. Up until a month ago we were maintaining a relationship with him. As we have been putting pieces together we believe he has some attachment disorder. About a month after leaving our home I discovered he was messing with drugs. I confronted him and offered to come along side him. He left the car with "See you around" and I have not talked to him or seen him in the last five weeks. He tells his mother he is not done with me, but wants a break. She says this is his MO. Gets close to a guy, things are not going his way and rather than deal with it he runs. I am not sure how to procede. I have been texting, calling and emailing once or twice a week, but there is never a response or a pick-up. I usually let him know we care about him, praying for him, love him, miss him. No response. I invite him to do something, but no response. Now that he has run am I too late and do I just move on. Do I keep communicating even though it is one way. What should I be communicating. Do I need to initiate direct contact with him. Is he now in control. I am at a loss. We just thought we were helping this family out when he came to our home. He is and was quite charming, stole our hearts, and now I am left holding the bag. I just need some help as to what the next step is. I do not know what will work for Evan or if it is too late for us. Thanks so much. Any input will be helpful.
4:36 pm
May 6, 2011
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Virgil – Good for you for caring for this boy and his mom. You are not left holding the bag. You have definitely touched his life. Keep on reaching out, letting him know you care. Be honest about your concern and your love. You can only do what you can do, the rest is up to him! P.S. It is never too late. Keep on hoping he will turn around.
6:20 am
June 4, 2011
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So once or twice a week will not push him away. I was reading on another website that said if they run, every contact after only exacerbates the threat and that I should leave hiim alone and he will turn around eventually. I wonder if he has already forgotten and moved on. I just don't know how they think. I also read where they lack sympathy, remorse and a conscience. I am wired so that I could not have been confronted about drugs and lying, walked out and stayed away this long. It is a tough one for me to get ahold of. Thanks for the encouragement because like I said, I start feeling like I am the one who messed up and I am the one with the problems. This would not be difficult except that we attached to him. Maybe too much. :) Thanks again for the input.
8:32 am
May 5, 2011
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I wouldn't chase after him. You're right, depending on how RAD they are they lack sympathy, remorse, and a conscience. One thing I've found with my kids is that sometimes I think I screw up really bad, and it doesn't even phase them. Once, we suspected our daughter was using drugs so we took her to Walmart and got a drug test and made her take it. She was clean. I thought she'd be furious that we didn't trust her, but she barely even acknowledged it. They're hard to figure out.
Contact him once in a while and be consistent with showing love to him, even if you don't talk to him, if you know what I mean. You're there for him. Ultimately, it's his decision – you can't make him do anything.
10:04 am
June 4, 2011
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You all have been most helpful. I think for my own emotional sanity, I need to back up. Maybe once a week or less a simple text. I personally don't see much more I can do. I think he must hate me with such a passion. That is a tough one for me, but I am learning. I like never giving up hope and I recognize that it would take a miracle for him to come back and do what he needs to do to reestablish any relationship. Thanks…this has been a great help on a difficult ride.
1:43 pm
May 6, 2011
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Virgil – You and I both need to stop hitting ourselves with rocks. My counselor has a few medium sized rocks by his door. And when I start loading on the self loathing and condemnation, he makes me walk over, pick one up and then put it down. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Let's agree together to believe what we each have done with our kids was what we believed was right and loving at the time, let them be responsible for their reactions and move on. Are you in?
1:52 pm
May 17, 2011
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It's so easy to do!!
2:48 pm
June 4, 2011
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OK! YESYESYES! Deal. This is going to be tough, but I have to move on. I did do what was right and the only reason I confronted him was because drugs are so destructive and I did it in the context of getting through it together. Relationship is a terrible price to pay for doing the right thing. But yes!!! He is responsible for his reaction. I do get a little irritated that his family has let this go on without getting help, but I cannot be responsible for that either. I feel like I am saying good-bye to the relationship and that I am not trying hard enough, but I know there is nothing more I can do. How sad this all is! What does occasional contact look like? I am ready to be free! It is sad to see him make this choice. You are right! He has to take some responsibility, after all he is almost 15. I am moving on! This can no longer be my problem. Wow! Think of all the therapy you have saved me! Now comes the challenge of living it out tomorrow! Moving on!
3:45 pm
May 5, 2011
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Once they start doing drugs, pretty hard to change their mind until they decide they want to. Take it from one who's be there. Sometimes it takes a while, sadly. I've got one in that boat right now. It's a helpless feeling.
12:02 pm
June 4, 2011
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Thanks for input. I am hoping that the legal system will keep him off of drugs for a while. He works for my wife as a student aide. She sees him every day and he treats her like a queen. Sort of weird. That is a part of what makes moving on a challenge. I had a funeral for our relationship this morning as I walked the dog. That relationship is dead. This gives me the freedom to still pray for him and move myself out of the way. It also provides the opportunity for a new relationship should the Lord provide. The old one had gotten pretty convoluted these last 5 weeks. His mom says he doesn't hate me, she says he cares deeply, but he knows he let me down and it is just easier for him to ignore it all and keep on moving. You all are correct. I cannot fix that. And I cannot keep that thing alive. So there is some freedom today from my hurt and I want only the grace and mercy of God for Evan and for truth to be revealed in every area of his life. He is a great kid and has such incredible potential. Thanks again for all your input.
7:39 am
May 6, 2011
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Have a great day, Virgil!
8:26 am
June 4, 2011
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Evan has court mandated counselor. I have been gathering information and our experience with Evan and gave that to the counselor. Don't know if that will help, or if he will read it, but his current therapy does not reflect any acknowledgment of this disorder. I thought I at least had to try. I would also like to give this information to his mother and see if she recognizes what is going on. It is all very interesting. I am also talking to James from attachment.org tomorrow. I am hoping he can tell me what to do, not do, and when to just walk away. Anyhow, I know you all have enough of your own, but a prayer for the boy would always be appreciated. His future without help, makes me very sad. Thanks.
9:37 am
May 5, 2011
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I will pray for him. Plus, for peace for you.
James is very good! I talked to him concerning our daughter. He gave some great advice. You're in good hands, and you're a very kind man for going to all this trouble.
9:01 pm
June 4, 2011
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Had a great conversation with James this afternoon. He gave me some perspective and also some hope. I have a better understanding of what drove Evan to this and also how he thinks in general. I will be on Sabbatical starting tomorrow and out of the country for a while so this will be a great break for me and for our relationship. Persevere.
9:31 pm
May 5, 2011
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I like James a lot. He's very cool! 
8:45 pm
June 4, 2011
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We are in Turkey. I sent Evan an email. Saying we were having a great time. Blah, blah, blah. The next day he responded with a short, pleasant email saying have a great time, take lots of pictures. I guess Turkey is far enough away for him to feel safe. I am trying not to be too excited about one message, but it is definitely progress. I guess we will see if he responds again. Cautious!!!
10:31 am
June 4, 2011
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Just an update. Had a chance to see Evan. He knew I would be there, but he seemed surprised to see me. He got up and gave me a big hug and said it was good to see me and allowed me to take him and my daughter out for shaved ice. We were together for about an hour. I did not want to seem a threat and was pretty quiet. He asked a lot of questions about what had been going on in my life. Where, when, how, etc. We had a nice visit. I have continued the last two weeks with texts, and even a phone call. He has responded twice to them. Most of the time I still hear nothing, but I feel like this is progress. Any counsel is welcomed as well as continued prayers.
12:03 pm
May 5, 2011
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Virgil – Way to keep the door open!
10:55 pm
June 4, 2011
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Thanks for the encouragement Matt. I could use any counsel that you may think is fitting. I am thinking of going to his home and see if we can clear the air and move ahead. Just want to move in the right direction. Thanks again for your prayers, advice, and encouragement.
6:13 pm
February 22, 2012
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Matt said:
Once they start doing drugs, pretty hard to change their mind until they decide they want to. Take it from one who's be there. Sometimes it takes a while, sadly. I've got one in that boat right now. It's a helpless feeling.
That's so true, its hard to change their mind once they have started doing drugs. That is why there are programs for teens who are addicted to drugs, it helps them to cope with stress productively and help them deal with their personal issue that lead them to substance abuse. They need to understand and realize on their own with your help how bad their lives would be if they continue to do drugs.
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