Hi mom of 2 teen RAD boys | Introductions | Parents Forum

We adopted through foster care 2 boys ages 8 and 10 at the time. They are now 14 and 17. Both have classic rad behaviors I've learned recently. The oldest has been in therapy since he came to live with us and we have had a FINS potition on him for the last year and a half because he refuses to ask us or even tell us where he's going and was getting in trouble in school screaming and cussing me out. We've pretty much given up on him he's on medicine now that he at least isn't angry and controls himself by not screaming or yelling at me. The FINS patition was turned off right after Thanksgiving and we've seen him maybe 3 times since then he came home and slept on Thanksgiving after eating with his "other" family (his 1/2 brother, sister, and their mom). He turns 18 in March and we are counting down the days. I know it sounds really hard but it's been a very draining 6 years and we've been looking forward to being able to focus on the youngest…

This summer a switch flipped on the youngest and he is worse than the oldest even thought about being. If he isn't lying he isn't talking. The first thing out of his mouth is always a lie. He ran away almost daily for about a month. He hasn't run away since the girl he was running off with broke up. We pretty much took everything away from him especially all access to the Internet but he took parts from old computers and rebuilt 2 different computers in his room without our knowing it, we took those away and he started taking our cell phones when we aren't looking or after we go to bed. He's also now started cutting. The last incident was the weekend before Christmas and we only found out because he posts it on facebook. That incident was so severe we took him immediately to a treatment facility and they kept him for week. He was supposed to get out Friday before Christmas, but didn't want to come home yet so he got a plastic spoon and cut his wrist. The Dr allowed him to stay till Monday after Christmas.

I'm already exhausted and worn out from dealing with the older brother where do I find the strength to get through the next 4 years with him and his behavior being worse.

I look forward to meeting others who can share their experience and learn from them.

I just found this and posted my introduction. I'm sure things have changed either for better or worse since you posted, but hopefully you've found some answers.

Don't give up! If you have to take away everything he has, to get to him, do it. But with love and firmness. If he can't see anything but your anger, he will be able to convince himself that you're no better than he is and there is no reason to trust you. He needs to see you as the only answers he has right now. 

At this age and having seen what he probably perceives as your washing your hands of his brother, he's not only putting you to what is probably in his mind the final test of your love, but he's wanting out and yet knowing that he'd never make it on his own alone. 

He wouldn't be cutting himself if he didn't want the attention. Give it to him. All you can spare. He wants to be stopped, he wants to be held accountable, and most of all he wants safety. Most likely he's done something that has scared him to the core in the last months, and he needs to be able to get it out there and deal with it. 

We had to take out daughter out of school and home school her for a year to get her away from stuff she had gotten into, take away all electronics and all privileges and watch her like a hawk 24/7. She was furious for months, but the child we have now was worth all the agony. Seeing us give up so much to watch her like that was what finally proved our love to her. Trust me, spending 24/7 with an angry teen is no picnic. 

If your child is going to those extremes, extreme measures are what will make a difference. Ask him what he really wants, what his ideal life would be, then let him know that you will do whatever it takes to get him to that place. (When he can really say what he truly wants, not the standard, "I want to be left alone" garbage.)