Good Success with adopted ADHD/RAD teens | Introductions | Parents Forum

I just want to encourage those of you in the trenches that you will succeed, maybe not as most people would consider success, but nevertheless, if you stick with it and press on, your child will turn out better than you ever thought possible. Our girls were 3 and 4 the first time we saw them, foster kids in our own system, neglected and abused. When I found out about RAD a few years later, they were exhibiting 3/4 to 7/8 of the symptoms. Now they are down to a handful. We're still dealing with abandonment issues, and they will always have to face the hurts of those early years rearing their ugly heads and trying to destroy their esteem. 

But they have come miles, and are truly a joy to be around most days. At one point I never would have believed this much progress possible. I will put out the disclaimer that without the help of God and the impact of hearing and memorizing choice verses, especially the practical lessons of life found in the book called Proverbs, they could not possibly have changed so much. 

In the early years nothing but nothing changed or motivated them. There were no rewards or punishments that made a bit of difference, which threw all my behavior modification training out the window. They were all about control, and control was the only thing that we had at our disposal to build trust, which sounds counterproductive. They wanted to know what was NEXT at every moment of every day, and it was only by constantly telling them that WE knew what was next, and they had to trust us, that trust began to develop. The battle from day one has been about giving up control to the person who will care for them better than they can care for themselves, whether parent or God. It is a battle we all face – can we trust the ones who claim to love us – can we trust a God who claims to love us?

As we worked through the anger issues, the abandonment of a mother they remembered, the animosity toward me as the substitute mother, the self-hatred and self-destruction, they very slowly have turned around. Talking to them, letting them know that I understood what they were feeling, reminding them that I will not turn my back on them or ever leave them or shut them out, have made a difference. I tell them that they can tell me anything, and then prove it by not overreacting or punishing them for the telling. I may punish the behavior, but never as severely as I would have if they had not told the truth. It took awhile for that to sink in. It was necessary for them to see the connection between behavior and consequences, with lying or telling the truth as it's own separate issue. If I had withheld consequences just because they told the truth, they would have lied about the lying! 

Am I perfect? Not by a long shot. I have my own anger issues, and having adopted kids brought back to the forefront my own lack of self-control in that area and a good many other ones. But God has used my imperfections to help me and to help them. They know fully that their parents aren't perfect, and that we struggle with the same issues they have. I didn't really know what ADHD was until they came along, and it took years before I took the steps to have them diagnosed and finally on medication. What do you know? I have a mild case of it myself. Once I saw the change in them, it was staggering to look back at my own childhood and life so far to realize that I have all the same symptoms. And so we drive each other crazy with our inability to hold a thought long enough to get the next room, and accusations of "You didn't forget, you meant to do that" fly fast and furious at times. But at least we understand and forgive. 

Which brings me to the most important thing you can do. Listen, tell them you understand and prove it with your own stories of failure, success and coping (and I don't mean just from the past, but current struggles.) At this stage they now respond to motivation and punishment, and they are making wise and conscious decisions overall, if not minute by minute.

Tell them you love them constantly, and if you don't have a relationship with God so that you can assure them of His love, dig deep into why not. He's the only one who can give the peace that passes understanding. It's real.