There is hope! Major improvements and what has worked! | Childhood | Parents Forum

I hope this does not show up twice.  I typed a note last night but it never showed up so I am trying it again.  I want all parents out there of a 12 year old children with PSTD, ODD, ADHD and RAD to know there is HOPE.  I have a positive story about our 12 year old.  I had posted previously about a major set back.  In the pasts months since then our little guy has made some major changes.  I attribute it all to this web site, Nancy Thomas' book and some ideas of our own. Being CONSISTENT and NOT giving up when some technique do not appear to work is KEY. Keep using them.  Here are some we use with our little guy that have worked and still work: 5 jumping jacks EVERY time he argues/back talks (sometimes he gets up to 50 in a row because he keeps going even when we aren't acknowledging him), 5 push-ups each time he burps loudly, 5 sit-ups each time he asks why when he shouldn't.  Example – Why did you say that? Why do I have to…..? etc.  Now the why questions have stopped some and he has switched to How or What.  Same rule applies.  When the arguing continues we just add the exercise up out loud (5 jumping jacks, 10, 15, 20…..).  At times he whines, moans, groans and argues but we just keep going.  Eventually he stops and does the exercise.  This was more a few months ago.  Now he usually gets 10-15 in a row and seldom over 30.  These are for jumping jacks. The others we just began and he usually stops at 10!  Not cleaning well enough after toileting – cleans undies in straight vinegar each and every time for about 10 minutes followed by needing to take a shower.  You have neutralize those germs you know!  We are still working on this but we are seeing slow improvements.  We NEVER answer when where are we going questions.  If we reply we say You'll find out when we get there.  He'll ask are we taking the expressway (this is how to get to his previous family's home and therefore makes him anxious) and my reply is Yes I take the expressway everywhere because it is convenient.  I don't know if this was correct or not but he seldom asks anymore. Meals – He constantly asked what are we having – Our response was "I don't decide until the last minute." and now we use "You will know when it is ready." We do NOT let him choose what to eat for the most part. We did for a while but then he would pick something at a restaurant and then not like it.  FYI – we always choose his meals at restaurants now. At home we may give him a choice between two items when it comes to lunch or breakfast but never more than that and only when we feel he can handle making the decision.  When he refuses to do something we ask we would tell him "That's ok you don't have to do it right now. You go rest (lie on couch) and when you are rested enough you can get up and do it."  I think a Nancy Thomas technique.  Some of these may be also or from this web site.  At this point, he usually does what he is supposed to right away. At times he'll whine and I just remind him that he can always rest first!  :)  Self Injury – has basically stopped at this point.  We made many mistakes by telling him we don't like to see him do this, it looks gross……….  Nothing seemed to curve it and we knew that nothing probably would but had to try.  After all that's what us parents do!  Well we got to the point where we just told him we are not going to try to stop you and if you want to do it go ahead but the consequences may be an ambulance ride to the ER.  We (school and us) continued to check his areas he injured before and after school but did not respond when something was there – we just documented it.  Our little guy noticed a boy injuring himself (picking at his arms and legs in school) and thought to himself that is gross!  Well then he realized I had better stop too!  He has not done it since.  He used to get "stuck" in his cranky moods and I used the fight the crazy with crazy!  It works!  Go nuts and do something totally off base.  Here is an example – he would throw himself on the floor (yes at age 12) and throw his arms and legs around saying I am bored over and over.  Well, I threw my self on the floor and did it also.  The look on his face was precious!  He has not done it since!!  Another time (recently) we were at a restaurant and a little boy tossed himself on the floor and threw a tantrum.  Our little guy said I am glad I don't do that anymore.  This is huge!!!  More recently we were watching a show where a boy was getting helped for something (can't remember now) and our little guy said I didn't think anyone would ever help me.  His insite and ability to relate to what he sees in others is improving daily.  We make him "ask" for EVERYTHING.  He slips on this on occasion when he wants to try to regain control but we find he'll stop himself and ask once we remind him or stop him from doing something he is supposed to ask for.  He has to ask to use bathroom, get a drink, play etc.  Sound harsh but it IS helping his brain to heal.  When he asks how to do something or wants help with something (sometimes simple things) we make him tell us what he thinks or how he thinks he can do it.  He likes to say I CAN'T!  I tell him there are NO I can'ts in my house.  You can say I'll try!  He does not say it but he often tries before asking now.  I know sticker and reward charts don't generally work – but we do have a chore chart and when he finishes a chore he has to ask to put up a smiley to show he did it (after we check he did it and did it to our expectations).  There is a lot more but I think that is enough for now.  It sounds overwhelming but we picked one or two things a week.  Practiced them and when we felt we were comfortable in our skills and consistent then we added more.  Our little guy has only been with us since February of this year and he has come a long way.  I am so glad I found this web site and bought Nancy Thomas' book When Love is Not Enough.  I have read a few others but they just don't come close to being as helpful as hers. Do yourself a favor and BUY the book!  Be CONSISTENT! There is hope for our children and I believe most if not all of our children can be helped in some way. DON'T GIVE UP! Keep using the techniques even if it seems they are not working.  They will work!  Keep doing them. We did give up a couple times only to the detriment of our little guy.  Each time we slacked off he took 5 steps backwards.  Now that we have realized that we NEED to continue what we are doing for at least a year or longer (we don't really know as it has only been 7 months) our little guy is making progress every week.  He is happy, smiling, calm (most of the time), regains his self control much quicker when he does get upset.  Our biggest issue at this point is his mouthiness and lying.  Yes I forgot about that part.  We assume he is lying all the time.  Usually is!  We call him on it all the time.  He'll deny it and we just tell him we don't believe you because you lie all the time.  Funny thing is he usually gets a grin on his face and then we add "You even know you do."  Recently (last month) he actually has begun telling the truth.  He has owned up to telling a lie and then tells the truth at some point later.  When this happens and we know he is telling the truth we whoot and do a "happy dance."  He smiles and says you guys are nuts.  We just laugh and agree!  Laughing and having fun is another key thing that works.  I hope what I wrote here helps someone. Our little guy has been physically, sexually and verbally abused for almost all of the 12 years of his life.  He has seen violence that no child should ever witness.  His nightmares have stopped and his mood is improving all the time.  Just when you thought I was done – Our little guy is/was very afraid of T-storms.  He would tell his dad he was scared but never me.  Recently we were camping and he woke me during a nasty storm.  I went to where he slept and stayed with him until he fell asleep!  This is another HUGE indication that he is attaching to me (his mom)!  Progress!  If he can make progress then every child can!  

Julie – I am so glad to read your post.  We have not had to use the "go rest until you feel strong….." in a while but it works great!  I read somewhere (don't remember now) that there was a child (might of been a teen) that stayed on the couch for two days before "feeling strong enough" to do what was asked of him/her.  My kiddo stayed for two hours once but I think that was the longest.  Boredom really works.  :)

At one point I made an index card with different techniques on it so I could take a sneak peak when our kiddo was not looking.  My husband and I carried them in our pockets.  There are so MANY and I could not remember them all.  

Wow you home school.  I take my hat off to you!  :)  That is great.  I know that is one thing I could not do.  Our kiddo goes to an intensive behavior program which is working great for him.  They use similar consequences and rewards that we do so he gets the consistency both home and school.  

I am glad that my post encouraged someone.  I really believe there is hope and every child is worth the effort.  You are a terrific mom so keep up the good work!  Traci 

Well hats off to you for home schooling your kiddo!  I can't imagine how exhausted you must be!  I get tired after a couple hours after mine gets home from school.  All day may have done me in a few months ago when he was at his worst.  At this point mine has days that he tries to regain control (like the last few) but for the most part he is doing quite well.  This should give you a laugh – Our kiddo has woman/mom issues from 12 years of neglect and/or abuse from his mother figures.  Well yesterday morning he was just awful!  Mouthy, refusing to do what I told him, arguing over every little thing to the point that I told him to go sit on couch and get under control.  Even the multitudes (not sure that is actually a word) of jumping jacks was not helping although I still have him do them.  Of course he went in and laid down so I had to tell him I said sit!  He did to my amazement.  Finally I asked if he was under control and he said yes.  Well, I had opened our front window shades.  My husband who drives truck for a living is not always home in the morning.  Our kiddo is much better with him and when he is at home.  Well he did not think my husband was home which was why he was attempting to tick me off and control everything. He noticed my husband's vehicle in the driveway and stopped dead in his tracks and said "Is dad home?"  I said yep and you know he is going to have something to say to you when you get home from school don't you?  My kiddo replied "Yep he is going to lecture me for two hours on how I acted."  I about cracked up at that but held my composure!  I asked do you like the lectures and his reply was a definite NO.  I then asked then why keep doing this if you know he/we will talk to you about it later.  No reply.  Needless to say the lecture worked because he was great this morning and tonight.  He even went up to bed at 7:58PM!  He is supposed to be in bed BY 8PM and he was.  So keep up the good work you are doing.  It pays off.  It may take longer for some kids but the rewards when they start to let go of that control is amazing.  The smiles, laughs and an almost relaxed look at times as if to say "It's nice that someone is taking care of me and I don't need to stay in control." is all worth it.  Your kiddo will get there too.  Having surgery is difficult for him also although more so on you.  So, take some time for yourself and remember to relax yourself and laugh a lot!  Finding the amusement in their behaviors helps.  One time I actually laughed at my kiddo when he was walking as slow as a snail.  He did not like that at all and told me to stop.  I could not help it.  He looked hilarious and you know now that I think of it he has not done it since!  I am not sure I recommend laughing at our kids but sometimes you have too and they need to know they look funny when they do certain things.  By the way, I am a very good listener (as well as talker as you can tell) so feel free to write anytime.  Keep me posted and I hope your kiddo feels better soon and heals quick so he/she can get back to school and you can have some quality time to yourself.  Take care!