I was watching the Jump Start DVD from James Lehman in his Total Transformation program yesterday and it really hit home with me and made sense. Mr. Lehman talks about parenting the child you have, not the one you wish you have. When you have kids (or adopt them, as we did) you have this picture in your mind of what that child’s going to be like when they get bigger. What I’ve found is it’s very hard to get that picture out of your mind when you find out what the child is actually like.
One example is sports – Dad dreams of having a son that plays football, basketball, and baseball like he did when he was a kid. He enrolls his child in T-Ball, Pop Warner football, and so forth, faithfully attending all the games and encourages him all along the way. But the kid wants to be in band and debate. So Dad needs to drop his dreams, and encourage the child in the child’s dreams.
Having a special needs child is another great example, used by James Lehman in the video above. He talks about you having to be a special needs parent in order to be able to give that child the tools he needs to survive and be successful in the world today.
Total Transformation gives you those tools. This program is not for parents of compliant, well-adjusted children. It’s designed for parents of defiant, out-of-control children who may suffer from ADD, ADHD, ODD, Asperger’s, and many other disorders. Take a look at their website and see if what he talks about resonates with you in any way. It’s helped our family, and I bet it can help yours too!
I had a valuable reminder this week on how best to handle teens, whether they do or do not have child behavior problems. In parenting a range of kids, sometimes crossing from age to age presents itself with unique challenges. It seems my teens get the short end of the stick with letting them become independent. Let me tell you what I mean.
I tell my 10-year old what to do more than ask him what he would do (I know, I know – I am totally working on letting him use his own brain more!). However, this telling thing not only does not work so well with my teens, it actually backfires resulting in anger or defiance for being treated like a “kid”. So this was the reminder.
Don’t tell a teen what to do, ask them “what are you going to do?” Let them talk through the situation and present their solutions. If you find that their choice is less than desirable, you can say “that is one solution, what is another?” James Lehman does say “that would not be my choice, but it is yours and we will see how that works”. All the time resist the urge to tell them the “best” solution because unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to them.
Then after they tried their solution, ask them how it went and what, if anything they would do differently next time. You could even incorporate some practice with helping them identifying their feelings by asking them how it felt going into the solution and how it felt afterwards. This would be a good jumping off point to maybe trying something different next time if it didn’t feel so well.
James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.
This morning our RAD kid decided he wasn’t going to school. We’ve struggled with this before, and now Nancy Thomas has given us the answer. At least it worked this time! I think it’s a great technique for Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos too. It should work for any kid that wants to have control.
The most important thing to do is not to argue with them. That’s what they want – it’s where they feel comfortable – in an argument or conflict. So what you do is act excited for them to be home. Here’s how it went for us this morning:
He likes to help make coffee, and we told him “Great! You’re really good at making coffee! There are a lot of jobs you can do without a high school education that need you to be able to make coffee! Like working at McDonalds. You could get a job at McDonalds and work there for your whole life. Everything you need to know to do that we can teach you at home – how to scrub the floor, how to make coffee, and how to clean the bathrooms. In fact, we have four of them in our house that you can practice on, and we can get started today! Cool!”
Guess what? You’re right – he went to school! And cheerfully, at that. You need to make it fun, not a fight, because that’s what they want! Take the conflict away and you’ll get much better results!
Another tactic to use when they refuse to go to school (or do their homework) is to say “Not a problem!“ (By the way, you have to have that sentence in your vocabulary and use it all the time. Whatever they do is not a problem for you. Big problem for them, but not for you).
So you say “Not a problem! You just stay home and miss school! Then when you have to take fifth grade again, you’ll be the tallest kid in fifth grade! That will be so cool! Can you imagine?” Then you get them started on a chore, to help teach them some skills that they’ll need when they don’t graduate from school.
If your kid is constantly saying they’re sick, you want to tell them “Not a problem. Go ahead and get in bed and I’ll take care of you. I can do that because I’m an awesome mom (or dad)!” Then, make sure that they don’t do anything fun like video games or TV for the whole day. At dinner time, check on them to see if they’re well enough to come up for dinner, then it’s back to bed for rest until bedtime. After a couple of days of this, they’ll learn that faking being sick and staying home from school is not the most fun thing to do.
One thing you do need to remember with these guys though is that school is tough. Most of the time they don’t really fit in real great and they struggle with the scholastic and social aspect of it. So if they do need a day off once in a while, make sure to let them have it!
Do you have a RAD kid in your house? I’ve recently been listening to a great set of CDs by Nancy Thomas called Healing Trust: Rebuilding The Broken Bond. It’s full of useful information, tools, and ideas for parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder kids.
We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.
This has been a very difficult couple of weeks. Lots of hard decisions for one of our kiddos, which included doctors, counselors, and court appointments. Not to mention the stress of trying to maintain a normal life schedule for the other family members and to address their fears and worries in this time of crisis due to our reactive attachment child.
Today, I finally got a break from all the above and realized how vitally important the advice I have been given by some very, very wise people to be sure to take care of myself first. I have found if I don’t sleep well, eat well, exercise some, or laugh much, I feel low. Add to that list pray a lot, spend time alone with my husband, and share with a close friend. In fact, I get on autopilot and then crash hard when the load is lightened. It is hard to motivate from this lowly place.
It is very easy when the RPM’s of life are revved above the red line for an extended period of time to want to continue in that mode when it is not necessary. For me, I have to deliberately sit down and relax. Oh, I know I hear the laundry calling, the pile of work stacking up, the “when I get a few free moments” projects glaring at me. I just have to say NO!
So this morning, I am going to sip my coffee (instead of gulp it in the car), take a leisurely shower, and enjoy the quiet of my house. I hope you will too!
Are you a RAD mom looking for help? The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.
We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.
RAD moms have one of the hardest jobs in the world. When I say “RAD” moms, I’m not talking about “Radical”, as in super-cool, though that’s a pretty good description of them. RAD moms are mothers of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and let me tell you it can be a nightmare!
I’m a RAD dad, and I don’t have it as tough. Yes, it’s hard parenting these kids, but my wife is the one that really gets the brunt of the pain. Why is this? It’s because when a child is a baby, it’s the mom that’s supposed to take care of him or her. It’s the mom that’s supposed to hold them, to look in their eyes, to be the primary care giver. When that connection is broken or damaged for any reason, the child then learns not to trust anyone, especially the one that is supposed to take care of them. So then as that child grows older, the adopted mom get’s the anger transferred to them that was directed at their birth mom.
What happens is that the RAD mom gets abused by the child – verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. It’s very, very hard for that mom. The sad thing is that quite often that child is a perfect angel around everyone else, and people don’t believe that the mom is suffering.
So what can you do for a RAD mom? Here are a few ideas – I’m sure you can think of more!
- Believe the parents! This is the most important thing, in my opinion. RAD kids lie almost all of the time, and they’re very good at it. One of the main reasons they lie is to triangulate – they get other adults on their side against their mom. Nancy Thomas says that when she is asked what she does for a living, she quite often says that she works with abused parents. This is very true! Please believe the mom and dad of RAD kids when they tell you what they’re dealing with!
- Don’t hug a RAD child. The RAD kiddo needs to get all hugs and physical touch from their mom and dad. They need to learn to trust their parents!
- Don’t buy into a RAD kid’s line of “I wish you were my mom, you’re a lot better than the one I have”. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop around for new parents or better living situations.
- Give her a break. RAD moms need an hour or two here and there to get their hair done or paint their nails. Go over to her house and let her do that.
- Give her some time with the RAD dad. This is important – especially for them to have a weekend away from time to time. Learn to be a respite provider for this weary couple – click here for a good resource to teach you just that!
- Most of all, be her friend. RAD moms feel isolated and defeated – they need all the friends they can get – mainly, to give them a shoulder to cry on and an ear for listening.
Those are a few ideas for helping out a RAD mom – put your mind to it and I’m sure you can come up with some more!
Are you a RAD mom looking for help? The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.
We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.
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