If you’re the mom or dad of a difficult child, especially one that’s ODD, ADHD, or RAD, then you know how physically and mentally tiring that can be. These kids can really drain your energy, and you absolutely must take steps to take care of yourself. If you aren’t healthy and well rested, you just can’t be of any use to your kid at all.
The most important thing for you to do as a parent is to stay calm and upbeat, always having a smile (or at least smiling eyes) to offer your child. If your eyes say “Go away, don’t bother me” instead of “I love you!” or “You’re OK” you’re just not in any place to parent that kid. The problem is that some kids need that type of affirmation every few minutes, all day long. It’s pretty easy to get tired, right?
So what can you do? Here are ten ideas that we’ve learned through the years:
- Good nutrition and vitamins. Very important to not deplete yourself physically. High stress requires replenishment of vitamin B and Calcium. Make sure you take a supplement, and eat lots of fruits and vegetables.
- Exercise. Get 20 to 30 minutes of aerobic exercise at least 3 times a week.
- Sleep. Make sure to get plenty of sleep, 10 to 12 hours per night at first. If you’re a 2 parent family, you might have to stagger sleep time.
- Take some time off. At least once a week do something for yourself that you enjoy – bowling, gardening, a bubble bath, take in a movie or dinner out – whatever works for you. “You” time.
- Call in the reserves. If you’ve got some friends that can watch your kids for an hour or two once a week, take advantage of it.
- Couple time. If you’re married, make sure to spend some time together as a couple – at least once a month, and hopefully 2 or 3 times a year take a weekend a way. It’s amazing how much a relaxing weekend can rejuvenate you.
- Check yourself for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Depression. Nancy Thomas in her book When Love is not Enough has 3 checklists for Depression, PTSD, or secondary PTSD. If you’re the parent of a Reactive Attachment Disorder kid, you almost surely suffer from secondary PTSD.
- Don’t wonder “Why did they do that?” Many parents spend countless hours trying to make sense of why the kids do what they do. Stop it! That’s the whole point – it’s crazy behavior! It doesn’t make sense. Don’t try to make sense out of the senseless!
- Establish a support system. We have found this to be crucial. It’s easy to get isolated and totally obsessed with parenting, and sometimes you just need to talk about other things with people who understand what your life is like.
- Laugh! Figure out a way to get a few laughs in, even if it’s at yourself! Yesterday, my wife and I laughed really hard about something that had happened that way that was just silly, but it sure felt good!
These are a few ideas on how to take care of yourself – I’m sure if you start putting your mind to it you’ll think of many more!
Looking for more parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
If you have a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, then you know how stressful life can be. One thing we’ve learned lately is that there is a good chance we have Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD! I always thought this was a disorder for soldiers coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan – not plain old parents. Then, I started looking at a list of symptoms and discovered that while I don’t have PTSD, I definitely have Secondary PTSD! What? How can this be? What can I do about it?
Symptoms of PTSD, Secondary Trauma
Some of the symptoms of Secondary PTSD are as follows:
- Realization that things between you and others have changed, or that you’re no longer the same person you were before
- Feeling that you’re unlike other people, or that you’re disconnected from other people
- Loneliness
- Low self esteem
- Excessive immersion in work
- More attuned to dangers
- Fatigue and depression
- Denial
- Alternate between trying harder and giving up
- Decrease in sex drive
- Stress on significant relationships, such as marriage
- Helplessness, hopelessness, and anger
These are just some of the symptoms of Secondary PTSD. You can find a complete list of symptoms in the book When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas.
Do feel any of these things? If you do, there is a good chance that you have this disorder. You need to get counseling immediately – first and foremost, for your own well being, and additionally, if you aren’t healthy you will be unable to effectively parent your Reactive Attachment Disorder child. One of the methods that offer great success in this area is Neurotherapy. Another is EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Both of these types of therapy are totally non-invasive and simple to do! The therapist will do things like shine lights in your eyes and make you play video games or watch movies! It’s bizarre how it works, but it does!
So, if you think you’ve got Secondary PTSD, get some help immediately.
A+ Child Requirements
We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.
Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:
Respectful
- Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
- Leave other people’s things alone
- Keep your word
- Be kind
Responsible
- Do your chores without being asked
- Fast and snappy and right the first time
- Clean up after ourselves
- Ask for help
- Be honest
- Take care of feelings in an OK manner
Fun to be around
- Don’t call names
- Give people a chance
- Brush teeth
- Listen and don’t interrupt
- Don’t swear
- Good manners
In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:
- Embarrassed
- Angry
- Happy
- Lonely
- Sad
So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
How to stop inappropriate child behavior. Now doesn’t that sound like I have the magic bullet? It might not be a bullet, but there is definitely a key technique that aims right for the behavior in being able to help our child change. And that is by pointing out to the child how they would benefit from stopping the behavior.
We all know our kids first default can be to selfishness. So we as smart parents can use that to our advantage, and ultimately theirs. If our kiddos are prone to lying or manipulating, show them the benefits of stopping. Such as “Aren’t you getting tired of losing video game privileges for lying? It doesn’t hurt me to take them away, only you. And you know the rules, the consequences will stop when the lying stops.”
Be sure not to engage in feeling statements – ones that infer that you are being hurt or something like that where the child learns that their bad behavior causes you pain. These kinds of statements only lead to power and control struggles. And really stuck kiddos like to see their parents squirm!
It also works in helping them to use their brains and start weigh consequences in their decisions. Losing video games over the weekend may not be fun when a great sleepover is planned. Stick to your guns and they will change. Trust me, they will eventually change and it is much better for you to help bring about that change, rather than the criminal system or a gang member!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
The title of this article is an exact phrase that someone typed in to Google and ended up on our website. When I saw this it broke my heart – because my wife and I know exactly how that person feels. I don’t know them, I don’t know their story or their child, but I do know what it’s like to have a RAD teen. And at times that can be heartbreaking – in fact, most of the time it is.
In our situation, our RAD teen is adopted, though that doesn’t have to be case. Adopted kids do have a greater chance of being RAD, because of the trauma of being separated from their birth mom, in addition to any abuse or neglect that may have happened to them in the first 3 years of their life. When the child gets to be a teenager and they still suffer from RAD, it’s very difficult for them to get better. Not impossible, but difficult. The reason for this is that they are at that age where they’re supposed to be separating from mom and dad anyway, not reconnecting.
The RAD teen wants the love of their parents, but they are deathly afraid of that love so they push it away in any way they can. They can be verbally or physically abusive, they tell you they hate you and never want to see you again, and they run away. As a parent, this is very hard to handle. After all, when you got (or had) this child, you were determined to love them no matter what, and you rightfully expected the same from them.
So what do you do to deal with this heartbreak?
Two things have helped me. First, I’ve realized that she’s sick. Our family therapist said if she was in a wheelchair and she was bouncing off a door frame because it wasn’t wide enough, you’d know you have to do something to help her. RAD kids don’t look sick, and because of this you tend to think they’re not, but they are. They need their parent’s love, especially their mom’s. When you think of it in these terms, it somehow makes it easier. She desperately wants your love, more than anything, but because of something that quite possibly wasn’t your fault she is desperately afraid of accepting that love.
The other thing that’s helped me is to realize that I am to actively love that child. And that doesn’t mean an emotional, sentimental love, but a sacrificial, purposeful love. Here’s a video I found from a RAD mom named Christine Moers that talks about this much better than I can.
How to deal with the heartbreak from a reactive attachment disorder teen? I don’t know. We grieve, mourn, struggle, and get mad every day. There aren’t any magic solutions, but hopefully realizing that it’s not your fault and you can love them anyway will help you like it did me.
How do you deal with the heartbreak?
Please leave a comment below to share with other readers. We can’t do this alone!
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