This journey of parenting RAD teens makes me feel like I am groping along blindly in a black tunnel. The statistics are not encouraging either – over age 13 the success rate drops dramatically in healing these kiddos. Notice most camps are only up to age 12? After the hormones kick in, you start facing those challenges too!
And there just isn’t all that much information out there either. I am basically taking what I can find on RAD adolescents and combining it with what I know about parenting Oppositional Defiant Disorder children. Sounds fun, huh?
So I thought I would share a few tips that work for me (for now!).
- Jumping jacks/strong sitting give way more to jumping on the trampoline. That brain still gets stuck but teenage “saving face” takes over. Since our goal is to help them get unstuck and not humiliation, this route seems to be the path of least resistance.
- Find cue words. Let the teen pick a few cue words for tramp jumping, correcting an adult redirection, or respectful “yes mom” replies. Once again, humiliation is not my goal.
- You can have more indepth conversations about choices. Especially “what would you do different next time” conversations. I really utilize ODD talk here from Total Transformation – “that is one choice, what might be another?” Or “that wouldn’t be my choice, let’s see how it works for you”.
- Freedom reigns supreme in their minds. So using responsibility as the key to freedom privileges seems to be more successful as well as losing them too!
I started on this route out of desperation after I noticed that the RAD techniques used for younger children (sit here on this rug and do legos, color, do puzzles kind of things) were causing behaviors that did not work towards opening their hearts. Or letting go of their fear and thus their need to be in control. I have seen more healing in adapting the techniques to take into consideration the teen factor. I have only just begun.
For those of us whose children have had multiple diagnoses, here are a few helpful bits of information concerning Reactive Attachment Disorder.
- First off, there is a new term being considered for Reactive Attachment Disorder which is Development Trauma Disorder. While RAD is found in the DSM IV, the definition is confusing. With the DSM V almost ready for release, look for this possible new terminology.
- There is one primary symptom that separates RAD from Bipolar, ADHD, or Autism. That is they are superficially engaging and charming. If your child has this system, they are RAD! It helps to know this because you have a starting point to work with.
- Thirty two researchers did a study that determined that for Children at Risk, attachment is the root of their mental illness.
- Along the lines of symptoms, just FYI, if your child has persistent nonsense questions and chatter, there is a reason. The researchers have determined that these kiddos have up to 15 flashbacks a day, full color and sound, of the trauma they experienced. So in order to keep them at bay, they talk incessantly.
- Then lastly, the reason it gets harder when working with teens (but not impossible!) is that at age 15 the brain reformats itself. So any unused connections are discarded and are no longer available.
I wanted to share this information, not for scare tactics, but I find in knowledge is freedom.
Do you have a RAD kiddo? Don’t have anyone to talk to about it? Visit our Parents Forum to meet others that can feel your pain!
I went to a training this last week put on by Nancy Thomas locally. It was an excellent opportunity that I couldn’t pass on and I am glad I went. I found as always answers to my questions that I didn’t even know I had until someone else asked them. And one I want to share with you now.
You know how when your kiddo needs a consequence the first time (not the 31st!)? Well, that’s all fine and good until they refuse. Like if they keep tipping in their chair at dinner and you tell them to give you the chair and they look at you with their ever so sweet, NO WAY look, then what?! Here’s what – you have 3 SECONDS before their brain shifts to flight/fright/freeze mode. So you say to them quickly – “Don’t do it now. Just rest: stand, sit, lay down, kneel”. And then move away. If they stomp to the corner, great place for them to rest (they listened as they are standing!) and tell them so, if they slam back down in the chair, again great place for resting (sitting).
Next you go have some fun with the other kids and your spouse (if possible). Dance to some music in the living room. Play freeze tag outside or shoot hoops, play a board game with lots of laughing. The goal is for the kiddo to shift and calm down. You will eventually (I know, hopefully sooner than later) get the chair and they can move on. They may choose however long they want to wait, so feed them a sandwich and milk at their resting spot if they go through mealtime. And put them to bed in their room at night. Just ask them to let you know when they are ready to give you the chair.
It works. I know, I have already had to try it!
Looking for help with your RAD kiddo? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!
Want to interact with other parents? Our parents forum is a great place to do that! Check it out today!
I have always gone back and forth over charts. In the past, I mostly feel like I have to direct the kid to the chart and remind them of the reward constantly. In the end, I am well-trained – to read a chart! So the struggle has been for me that I do believe rewards are valuable in training new behavior. I guess in light of that, behavior charts can be helpful.
I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.
Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc. just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).
And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.
Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle). And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!
So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!
Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder have no idea how to process their feelings. Everything, and I mean everything , at first comes out as anger. This can be scary for you and trust me it is scary for them. Now don’t be discouraged with this reality check. Because once you get this, there are definite steps in helping them heal.
First, let them get those big feelings out. Yep, that’s right. Slamming doors, throwing things, even yelling are a.o.k. Only thing off limits is hurting others, themselves or animals. This was hard for me at first because I have walls and doors with holes and broken things. I have had to put away my most valuables and be prepared to buy replacement doors. Nancy Thomas highly suggests this. Material things at this point are not as important as healing their hearts. Now this doesn’t need to be done in the middle of the living room with grandma looking on in horror. Have a room, their room if necessary, that is safe and place them in there. Then let them get those big feelings out.
Then when they wind down, go in and sit down with them. Say, “wow, you had some big feelings to get out”. Snuggling and sugaring (see articles on sugaring RAD kids) are a great start. Then you can ask what they were feeling. And they will, at first again, say mad! Here you tell them, mad hides their real big feeling. And explain what that means. Here is a video that I love that best describes this process.
Last night, our #5 had a big feeling episode going to bed. Shoes, legos, clothes flew in his room. We were able to snuggle and sugar and tuck him in. Due to the late hour, we opted to finish in the morning working it out. His dad was amazing! As he tripped over the lego bin and spilled it, #5 became discouraged at the mess. Dad said when things are out of control it leads to more chaos. This kiddo hopped up (buzz word for brain) this morning and cleaned up his mess including the legos. He got to make it right, which heals his heart. And onto the identifying the mystery feeling behind the mad!
I saw a boy feeling lighter and more loving this morning, getting rid of some of the built up feelings in his heart. I know, trust me I know, it seems backwards as does most therapeutic parenting. But it’s best for them and it works!
Looking for a great resource for parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder kids? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!
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