Apologies are an interesting thing. We were taught as youngsters to always say “sorry”. That is the right thing to do. It just has always bothered me, first to tell my kids to say it and second, the way they say it. ‘Soooorrry’, sniff just does not evoke relationship mending feelings. Over my parenting years I have learned a few things that might clear up and direct us in a more positive training approach in regards to “I am sorry”.
- Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry. But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
- What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
- Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
- Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!
I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!
As we sent our oldest off to college, things – okay emotions – started popping up that I could not have imagined in the darkest, sleepless night. Such as “we could no longer define ourselves as a family of seven”. And really not even 6 due to another child choosing a hard path outside of the house. But that’s another blog. That was surprising. Was I dealing with pride – “oh you have a large family, Yes, thank you I do”? Or was I dealing with loss?
Change was to be expected.
But I realized I did not anticipate this moment when we adopted him. Especially since I had longed to be a mom since I was a child. I wanted to enjoy every moment – live in the present. Not miss a second was my friends’ great advice. We have been doing this same routine for 18 years. So, lost was “it’s another day in the life”. No longer was I sure what our daily family life looked like. How does it reestablish itself?
As it got closer, I started examining – he was not going to be here daily, so there was the change of meals, laundry, babysitter, even chauffeur. Foreseeable. Not so much were the relationship pieces. With us, with his brothers, with his friends, at church. We have a new “oldest” sibling. How do the remaining kiddos readjust to this “at home” birth order?
Another shocker was the void at night when I went to bed. You know, it was the sense of all the chicks are in the nest and I can sleep. Logic has not yet won over that emotion. The sense of protection is hard for me to revamp, I can’t even imagine how my husband must feel here. I awake easier to noises, even the other kids moving around in their beds.
Am I over the top?
Does all of this sound like I am a way “over the top mom” who needs to lighten up and let go? Well, that too has been an emotional struggle. Am I? I have heard a few stories from my friends of the feelings during this transition. They seemed to be sad and then cope. However, one of my friend’s husbands tipped his hand on Facebook though and let me see the struggle is longer than the trip home from dropping them off at school. Phew! Also, the famous Dr. Drew Pinsky wrote an article for Parade magazine, “ The Empty Nest x 3” on 8/28/11, that too confirmed I am in normal emotion range!
For now, the Mighty Mighty Hellstroms are here (and there) – just under construction.
Hi! I’m Julie and I am an enabler! Yep, I figured this out (with a bit of help from my therapist – OK, a lot of help from my therapist!) recently. You see I got crossed up along the parenting way. The confusion came on slowly and was not even recognizable until it was too late.
Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.
- It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
- I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
- And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.
Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
I saw a picture of my daughter today, sleeping. She looked so peaceful and happy. How my heart ached for her, missing her as well as wishing her face looked the same when she was awake. Life has taken a turn that a year ago we had not foreseen.
She is my alphabet soup girl; RAD, ODD, SPD, ADD. We saw all of these come to a monstrous head when she hit puberty. And while we had been working on a few of those already, we were faced with hitting the ground running to save this one from falling off the edge. Sadly, it was a little too little, a little too late.
Her choices became so self destructive and abusive to us and our house that we made a last ditch effort. We found her birth mom. Fortunately, she is in a place in her life where she was able to come alongside us and our daughter. So we made the first of two hard decisions.
- We sent her to meet her birth family. Her hole in her heart that was meant to be filled by her birth parents love was massive. Questions of who do I look like, why did they leave me, why didn’t they come back for me had driven her for so long. Nothing we could do or find to help filled that void. We sought wise counsel and instead of facing a summer of legal issues , hospital visits, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse by her, we bought her a plane ticket – one way.
- After spending the majority of the summer meeting everyone in her birth family and staying out of trouble mostly, the second choice was clear. She needed to stay. The path of destruction still had its mouth gaping wide open here and there only opportunity for a brighter future. While she is not strong enough (yet, we pray!) to resist the first one, we are hoping she will become strong enough to choose the latter. Time will tell. Right now she is angry and blaming us for ruining her life.
You know those stories of mom’s lifting cars when their kiddo is trapped underneath? Well that is how I feel now. I have done something I never thought I could do – send her away and then not let her return. I found my strength and now I hope she will too. And her peace.
Raising children is interesting isn’t it? Every day, something new comes up so that on the job training is the norm. Now, if you are raising Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos, every moment can feel like on the job training as it is very different than raising “typical kids”. And what is more difficult is that most parents (and professional people) don’t get it either. It is definitely a horse of a different color.
How are ODD kids different than typical kids? Mostly in the area of control. Typical kids allow authority figures to have some control over them. However, not ODD’s! They fear loss of control to authority figures, especially parents. And when they feel out of control, they feel unsafe, which causes them to do whatever is necessary to regain their sense of security. Bang holes in the wall to get out of time out, break dishes when emptying the dishwasher, etc. Whatever it takes to get you to make them stop so they don’t have to do what you have told them. Viola, back in control!
Below are some creative tips that I have used to let them feel in control and get what I want too!
- Don’t ask them a general or blanket question. This would look like – please change those pants or please empty the dishwasher. I can just feel the battle lines being drawn here with a resounding NO! Instead, try this – do you want to wear these shorts or these jeans? Or do you want to put the dishes away on the bottom shelf or the top shelf of the dishwasher first? You get what you want and he has control over the how.
- Determine if this is a battle you must win. Such as he must get dressed as you are both leaving for an appointment. If it is, then make a move to remove his control. “You can either put these shorts on or I will put them on for you”. (Disclaimer – some kids don’t like to be handled and physically touching them can send them into the fight/flight/freak/freeze part of their brain.)
- Walk away. James Lehman calls this Stopping the Show. It presents as their losing control and most of the time they will follow after you. I found this most effective when I do need to go somewhere and I pick up my purse and head to the door without a SINGLE WORD. If the goal is to get them to accomplish something, then nothing good happens until they do what is expected. This may mean no tv, computer or playtime, something like that, even the next meal may be delayed until they get up to speed.
Creative parenting is exactly what it sounds like. And these helpful hints can be and should be tailored to fit you and your ODD sweetie’s needs and personalities.
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
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