You may be ready to ditch diapers long before your child is. Potty training requires both physical and emotional preparedness for everyone involved. Starting potty training too early only prolongs the process. A toddler is physically ready for potty training when he or she can control bladder muscles and bowel movements. Indications that your child is physically ready for potty training include having bowel movements at similar times each day, and reduced bowel movements during the night. You child also must be physically able to remove clothing, climb and communicate their desire to go. Talking children are the easiest to potty train, but those that sign may also be ready to learn.
Emotional preparedness may take a bit longer for your child than physical preparedness. He or she must show interest in using the toilet and have a cooperative attitude. Children whose immediate response impulse is “no” may be difficult to potty train. As your child approaches two years in age, begin including potty training verbiage into your discussions, books and television programs. Listen for your child to begin using terms like “big girl” or “big boy” or talking about wearing underpants. Children may begin to use a potty training seat as a chair, or playing with it as a toy. It is normal for young boys to take longer to show interest in potty training than it takes young girls, and the same holds true for mastering the skill.
When both you and your child are ready to begin toilet training, remember to keep reasonable expectations. Your child may quickly catch on to using the potty, but accidents are common. There may be false starts, set backs and failed methods to work around. Be sure to have a plan B, a plan C and perhaps even a plan D. What works for one child may not always be successful with others. Expensive potty training accessories and gimmicks come with no guarantee. Instead, save money you might spend on these items to purchase underwear with your child’s favorite cartoon characters printed on them. These are an excellent motivator for kids.
Scheduled potty breaks are essential in the beginning stages of toilet training. You can avoid accidents by taking your child to the restroom every 60 to 90 minutes, but be prepared to rush to the bathroom at any moment. Many children do not want “going potty” to interrupt their playtime. They may hold their hands over their bottom or genital area while continuing their normal activities. It is important to seize these opportunities. Explain to your child that the feelings that prompt him to cover himself are an alert to stop what he is doing to relieve himself in the toilet. Some parents find that children are less likely to ignore restroom urges when they are completely naked. If weather — and the flooring in your living space — permits, consider removing your child’s clothes to allow him to feel his body preparing to evacuate waste.
Incentives for successful bathroom trips encourage early potty training by motivating children. A clear plastic cotton ball holder placed on the back of the toilet can hold treats such as miniature marshmallows, jellybeans or M&Ms. Offer one treat for urine and two for bowel movements. A great suggestion is to buy jellybeans and M&Ms in only yellow and brown to reward specific functions appropriately.
The author of this post is Holly Miller, a writer for Coupon Croc, the best place to find Mamas & Papas discount vouchers to save on everything your baby needs.
Kids are adverse to responsibility as north is to the south pole. They have learned from an early age that others will take care of them, feed them, bathe them, dress them. It is no big shock that responsibility is something we have to teach them because they are not born with it. So we must train and coach them in this arena.
It doesn’t help matters that responsibilities are normally B-O-R-I-N-G!! And we know that kids love to do exciting things. Cleaning their room or doing dishes are not stimulating for them, period. You could get creative in these activities and try to make them more interesting, however visions of broken dishes and clothes hanging from the ceiling fan do come to mind!
It usually is easier to just do it ourselves. Max Lucado, Christian author , says patience (or responsibility, if I may be so bold) means letting a child take 3 hours to do something that takes us 15 minutes to do. I don’t believe this is training them up to be successful adults. Groans, redirection, and complaints aside!
Let’s start here:
- Early – Yep , the sooner you can training them to responsible the better you (and they!) will fair later. I did not want to spend all day cleaning up so I had 2 simple rules; pickup what you are playing with before you move on to something else and final cleanup half an hour before dinner. At first, I modeled (see training and coaching section below), then I worked side by side where I would pick up a block and then they would pick up a block, and finally I let them run solo. Also in this category would fall alarm clocks. Let them be responsible for getting up in the morning. As my kids got older, I added other responsibilities with this. Such as come out dressed.
- Be an Example – Start using wording like “I am off to work. My job is my responsibility” or “Time to do laundry which is my responsibility”. Let them see you doing your responsibilities. Just as a side note, your word is vital in teaching so stay away from making promises you can’t keep. It will color all the rest of the important concepts you are using words to teach your children.
- Train and Coach – Share with the child what exactly responsibility is. Such as, they are things you have to do, things you have made a commitment to do, or things where other people are depending on you to get done. For younger children, it is putting away your blocks after playing. For older kids, it is picking up your towel and clothes after your shower.
The coaching part is pretty much that. I had a physical therapist tell me “don’t correct his walking stance while he is going from point A to point B. He is focused and it comes off as nagging.” That means don’t start harping on him to clean the bathroom in the middle of the video game. Let him know that when he is done with that game, level, whatever, you want to talk to him. Then take him in the bathroom and coach. For example, “you did a great job hanging up your towel. Work harder here on picking up your clothes.” Don’t do it for him, coaches don’t throw the football if the quarterback didn’t do it right! And here is a good reminder – catch them doing it right – your praise is their reward! And vital in your relationship.
Believe me, I get it when it feels like all we do is train and coach, and coach and coach. But trust me, if we don’t teach them responsibility before they leave, they will be hearing the same things from adults, like “why didn’t you get that project done by the deadline?” or “why were you speeding?” and the consequences are much more severe than be held accountable for picking their towel!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
I have a child who is self-declared lazy. He has no bones about looking you straight in the eye and saying “NO” when asked to do something. And if he is mad because he can’t do something he wants, simply walking away is his method of rejection your request. Only if there is a tangible reward, he may comply. But if he can’t get his way, no carrot is sufficient. Sadly, sometimes he will let others down just to not give in to us. Yeah, it is a lesson in frustration.
Now don’t get me wrong. We have trained this child up since he was a toddler, “brush your teeth, make your bed, get dressed”. As the years have progressed, daily and weekly chores were added with appropriate training, rewards and eventually consequences if needed. Then he hit adolescence and found out he has power. And the boy who decided at 2, he no longer wanted to wear diapers and potty trained himself in 3 days, used that inner drive to get only what we wants in life. I gotta teach this kiddo about accountability.
Since we can check off the training, we must still work on rewards and consequences. I did find some good tips on how to do this in the Total Transformation parenting information.
A Different Way of Saying Things
Words are powerful. It always amazes how adding (or sometimes deleting!) a word can totally open up the communication between two people. Boy, can I use that for this new challenge.
- Responsibility. Start pointing out all the responsibilities everyone in all the house is doing. “Cooking dinner is my responsibility”. “Dad’s responsibility is going to work so we can have food so I can cook dinner.” “Brushing your teeth is a responsibility”. You get it, I am sure.
- Rewards. Now use the same philosophy with rewards. “This is your reward for doing your homework”. “You are getting this reward because you didn’t yell at your brother today”.
- Consequences. Then – “This is the consequences for not completing your schoolwork”. You are getting this consequence because you didn’t complete your chores this morning”.
It might be helpful to have worked up some rewards and consequences beforehand. That way you don’t have to think on your feet. Ask them what they would like rewards to be, like what they would like to do. Just be sure it doesn’t money, buying or spending! And remember teens rewards do not usually involve spending time with you.
Consequences also can be discussed. This may look like withholding things, like electronics, or assigning extra chores. It is important here to find the buttons that work. If I were to withhold electronics and then assign extra chores, I would be spitting in the wind. Also, I have had to learn to be reasonable about my time lengths for consequences.
So I had better get started with this new language. The clock is ticking…
That’s a couple Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!
We talk a lot about the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman, MSW, and I wanted to share a few Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. The program is full of ideas, tips, and tools for teaching parents to help their kids learn to problem solve, so here are a few that we use all the time.
Transition time. In our house, the kids can’t come to mom or dad with any problems or requests for 10 minutes after they get home. Here’s a fun video that we made to illustrate that point:
Demand and Expect Compliance. Compliance with family goals and rules is expected. It’s amazing how easy it is to let this slip, especially when the kids get to be teenagers. We have rules in our house like “no swearing, set computer/video game hours, and we go to church together as a family”. These are rules/goals that we have, and we expect the kids to follow them.
Give Basic Directions. Kids with low self-confidence have trouble getting going on projects, and sometimes need a running start. You can say “I’ll do the first 2 math problems, and you take it from there. Show me when you’re finished”. This works great for our kids.
Harmless Humor. I little humor never hurts – it can really defuse a situation! We’ve found that out in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned. She can get the mood tense real fast, and a little joke can relieve that tension nicely. However, one rule that Mr. Lehman says is that you don’t want to use humor to deal with inappropriate behavior.
Cueing. This is when you have a pre-arranged phrase that you use to let your child know they need to change their behavior. This works best with younger kids – we haven’t had the best success with teenagers with this technique. Here’s are two examples from the Total Transformation workbook: “When I ask you, ‘How’s the weather right now?’ it means look at how you’re behaving in the store.” And “When I tell you ‘That’s enough’ when your friends are over, it means I’m going to ask them to leave unless you stop immediately”.
Use Strategic Recognition and Affection. This is huge. I can’t believe how much my kids’ behavior improves when they think they’ve done a good job (been successful) at something and I recognize them for that. They just light up!
Pick Your Battles. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. When in conflict, use positions that are justifiable, not arbitrary. Something they can’t argue with. Mr. Lehman uses this example: “You know the rules. You can’t go to parties where no parents are home. It’s unsafe”.
There you go – just a few of the many Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!
I saw this funny video the other day, and while I don’t recommend this dad’s parenting technique (though it is tempting sometimes!), it got me to thinking about a parenting issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.
While I don’t think it’s right to lie to your children, I do think it’s right to tell them the truth – the whole truth – once they get to a certain age. What exactly am I saying? Just that while it’s OK to build them up and work on giving them confidence, I think we need to be honest with them about where they are in life.
Case in point
Our daughter was doing poorly in school the last few years. “C” average at best, and many classes that she actually flunked. We’d go in to her conferences, hoping that the teachers would be honest with her, and tell her that her chances of getting into college were going down the drain with her grades, but they’d listen to her statements of “I want to be a doctor” or “I want to be a social worker”, or whatever, and they’d nod and say “That’s awesome that you have those dreams. You can do anything you set your mind to.” That kind of talk.
I think too often nowadays people aren’t honest with other people for fear of hurting their feelings, damaging their relationship, or just not caring! That’s not right! My wife and I have talked to our daughter until we’re blue in the face, but of course she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe if one of her teachers would shoot straight with her she’d listen to them.
It’s worth a try, right?
We got an interesting post on our forum recently from one of our faithful contributors, Jeri from Valley Family Life that does respite care with RAD kids, among other things. It was in response to a question about how to handle “tweeners“. Here it is.
How I Handle All Kids
Whatever the age of your child, there should always be safety and respect. If we cater to the “age” of the child, as society has done, we give them classification, terrible two’s, tiresome threes, tweener, teenagers, and so on. With each classification society has given us “expectations” that we should get ready for, or allow.
When I teach or take a child into my home they all have to follow the same rules, whatever the age.
- Respond with “Yes Mom” and “Eye Contact” when you are spoken to
- Hands should be in control, at your side or in your lap – when speaking
- Allow the other person to talk, no interrupting
- Quiet voice – no yelling
- No stomping off or slamming of doors
- No excuses – No violence
- Stay – don’t walk off
- Be Kind, treat others the way you want to be treated
- Look for the good in People and you will find it
- Be empathetic, Be real
Kids will learn how to be independent when they first learn that they are accepted, unconditionally. The only way I know how to teach that is by giving them the opportunity to live within the boundaries of a home (society). Real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behaviors…. why should I?
While I totally agree with the techniques and the whole idea of the post, I have sadly come to doubt the last sentence – that real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behavior. I found that out recently at my daughter’s school. My hope is that more teachers, judges, peers, parents, and friends will start being honest (in a loving way) with our children today.
Do you need help with your parenting?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – and it’s right along these lines of helping your child to learn to problem-solve and cope in the “real world”.
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