Now don’t get me wrong. We have trained this child up since he was a toddler, “brush your teeth, make your bed, get dressed”. As the years have progressed, daily and weekly chores were added with appropriate training, rewards and eventually consequences if needed. Then he hit adolescence and found out he has power. And the boy who decided at 2, he no longer wanted to wear diapers and potty trained himself in 3 days, used that inner drive to get only what we wants in life. I gotta teach this kiddo about accountability.

Since we can check off the training, we must still work on rewards and consequences.  I did find some good tips on how to do this in the Total Transformation parenting information.

A Different Way of Saying Things

Words are powerful. It always amazes how adding (or sometimes deleting!) a word can totally open up the communication between two people. Boy, can I use that for this new challenge.

1. Responsibility. Start pointing out all the responsibilities everyone in all the house is doing. “Cooking dinner is my responsibility”. “Dad’s responsibility is going to work so we can have food so I can cook dinner.” “Brushing your teeth is a responsibility”. You get it, I am sure.
2. Rewards. Now use the same philosophy with rewards. “This is your reward for doing your homework”. “You are getting this reward because you didn’t yell at your brother today”.
3. Consequences. Then – “This is the consequences for not completing your schoolwork”. You are getting this consequence because you didn’t complete your chores this morning”.

It might be helpful to have worked up some rewards and consequences beforehand. That way you don’t have to think on your feet. Ask them what they would like rewards to be, like what they would like to do. Just be sure it doesn’t money, buying or spending!  And remember teens rewards do not usually involve spending time with you.

Consequences also can be discussed.  This may look like withholding things, like electronics, or assigning extra chores. It is important here to find the buttons that work. If I were to withhold electronics and then assign extra chores, I would be spitting in the wind. Also, I have had to learn to be reasonable about my time lengths for consequences.

So I had better get started with this new language. The clock is ticking…

That’s a couple Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

Transition time. In our house, the kids can’t come to mom or dad with any problems or requests for 10 minutes after they get home. Here’s a fun video that we made to illustrate that point:

Demand and Expect Compliance. Compliance with family goals and rules is expected. It’s amazing how easy it is to let this slip, especially when the kids get to be teenagers. We have rules in our house like “no swearing, set computer/video game hours, and we go to church together as a family”. These are rules/goals that we have, and we expect the kids to follow them.

Give Basic Directions. Kids with low self-confidence have trouble getting going on projects, and sometimes need a running start. You can say “I’ll do the first 2 math problems, and you take it from there. Show me when you’re finished”. This works great for our kids.

Harmless Humor. I little humor never hurts – it can really defuse a situation! We’ve found that out in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned. She can get the mood tense real fast, and a little joke can relieve that tension nicely. However, one rule that Mr. Lehman says is that you don’t want to use humor to deal with inappropriate behavior.

Cueing. This is when you have a pre-arranged phrase that you use to let your child know they need to change their behavior. This works best with younger kids – we haven’t had the best success with teenagers with this technique. Here’s are two examples from the Total Transformation workbook: “When I ask you, ‘How’s the weather right now?’ it means look at how you’re behaving in the store.” And “When I tell you ‘That’s enough’ when your friends are over, it means I’m going to ask them to leave unless you stop immediately”.

Use Strategic Recognition and Affection. This is huge. I can’t believe how much my kids’ behavior improves when they think they’ve done a good job (been successful) at something and I recognize them for that. They just light up!

Pick Your Battles. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. When in conflict, use positions that are justifiable, not arbitrary. Something they can’t argue with. Mr. Lehman uses this example: “You know the rules. You can’t go to parties where no parents are home. It’s unsafe”.

There you go – just a few of the many Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

I saw this funny video the other day, and while I don’t recommend this dad’s parenting technique (though it is tempting sometimes!), it got me to thinking about a parenting issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.

While I don’t think it’s right to lie to your children, I do think it’s right to tell them the truth – the whole truth – once  they get to a certain age. What exactly am I saying? Just that while it’s OK to build them up and work on giving them confidence, I think we need to be honest with them about where they are in life.

Case in point

Our daughter was doing poorly in school the last few years. “C” average at best, and many classes that she actually flunked. We’d go in to her conferences, hoping that the teachers would be honest with her, and tell her that her chances of getting into college were going down the drain with her grades, but they’d listen to her statements of “I want to be a doctor” or “I want to be a social worker”, or whatever, and they’d nod and say “That’s awesome that you have those dreams. You can do anything you set your mind to.” That kind of talk.

I think too often nowadays people aren’t honest with other people for fear of hurting their feelings, damaging their relationship, or just not caring! That’s not right! My wife and I have talked to our daughter until we’re blue in the face, but of course she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe if one of her teachers would shoot straight with her she’d listen to them.

It’s worth a try, right?

We got an interesting post on our forum recently from one of our faithful contributors, Jeri from Valley Family Life that does respite care with RAD kids, among other things. It was in response to a question about how to handle “tweeners“. Here it is.

 How I Handle All Kids

While I totally agree with the techniques and the whole idea of the post, I have sadly come to doubt the last sentence – that real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behavior. I found that out recently at my daughter’s school. My hope is that more teachers, judges, peers, parents, and friends will start being honest (in a loving way) with our children today.

Do you need help with your parenting?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – and it’s right along these lines of helping your child to learn to problem-solve and cope in the “real world”.

1. Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry.  But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
2. What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
3. Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t  be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
4. Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!

I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!

Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.

1. It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
2. I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
3. And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.

Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

How are ODD kids different than typical kids? Mostly in the area of control. Typical kids allow authority figures to have some control over them. However, not ODD’s! They fear loss of control to authority figures, especially parents. And when they feel out of control, they feel unsafe, which causes them to do whatever is necessary to regain their sense of security. Bang holes in the wall to get out of time out, break dishes when emptying the dishwasher, etc. Whatever it takes to get you to make them stop so they don’t have to do what you have told them. Viola, back in control!

Below are some creative tips that I have used to let them feel in control and get what I want too!

1. Don’t ask them a general or blanket question. This would look like – please change those pants or please empty the dishwasher. I can just feel the battle lines being drawn here with a resounding NO! Instead, try this – do you want to wear these shorts or these jeans? Or do you want to put the dishes away on the bottom shelf or the top shelf of the dishwasher first? You get what you want and he has control over the how.
2. Determine if this is a battle you must win. Such as he must get dressed as you are both leaving for an appointment.  If it is, then make a move to remove his control. “You can either put these shorts on or I will put them on for you”. (Disclaimer – some kids don’t like to be handled and physically touching them can send them into the fight/flight/freak/freeze part of their brain.)
3. Walk away. James Lehman calls this Stopping the Show. It presents as their losing control and most of the time they will follow after you. I found this most effective when I do need to go somewhere and I pick up my purse and head to the door without a SINGLE WORD. If the goal is to get them to accomplish something, then nothing good happens until they do what is expected. This may mean no tv, computer or playtime, something like that, even the next meal may be delayed until they get up to speed.

Creative parenting is exactly what it sounds like. And these helpful hints can be and should be tailored to fit you and your ODD sweetie’s needs and personalities.

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

And there just isn’t all that much information out there either. I am basically taking what I can find on RAD adolescents and combining it with what I know about parenting Oppositional Defiant Disorder children. Sounds fun, huh?

So I thought I would share a few tips that work for me (for now!).

1. Jumping jacks/strong sitting give way more to jumping on the trampoline. That brain still gets stuck but teenage “saving face” takes over. Since our goal is to help them get unstuck and not humiliation, this route seems to be the path of least resistance.
2. Find cue words. Let the teen pick a few cue words for tramp jumping, correcting an adult redirection, or respectful “yes mom” replies. Once again, humiliation is not my goal.
3.  You can have more indepth conversations about choices. Especially “what would you do different next time” conversations. I really utilize ODD talk here from Total Transformation – “that is one choice, what might be another?” Or “that wouldn’t be my choice, let’s see how it works for you”.
4. Freedom reigns supreme in their minds. So using responsibility as the key to freedom privileges seems to be more successful as well as losing them too!

I started on this route out of desperation after I noticed that the RAD techniques used for younger children (sit here on this rug and do legos, color, do puzzles kind of things) were causing behaviors that did not work towards opening their hearts. Or letting go of their fear and thus their need to be in control.  I have seen more healing in adapting the techniques to take into consideration the teen factor. I have only just begun.

I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.

Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc.  just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).

And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.

Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle).  And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!

So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!

So why is there such disparity when you look for Total Transformation program reviews on Google or another search engine? Here are a few reasons I came up with:

• Total Transformation by James Lehman is a product that you have to use. Many people get all excited about something because they think it’s going to solve all their problems magically – like a silver bullet or something. That’s just not how it is. Everything takes work and the Total Transformation program is no exception. There is much to learn and practice, and it just doesn’t happen overnight. The whole premise of the program is to teach us as parents to help our children to learn to problem solve, and that’s not an immediate fix. Yes, there are some techniques in there that help you to stop arguments quickly and easily, and to change some of the unwanted behaviors pretty fast, but if you really want a lasting change, you’re going to have to work at it.
• It’s not for some kids. The Total Transformation program is designed for difficult, challenging children – ones that might have special needs like ODD, ADD, ADHD, Asperger’s, etc. These children are abusive and out of control and if you’ve got those kinds of kids this program is going to help. If you’ve got normal kids that are just a little obnoxious once in a while (as all kids are!) you’re not going to need this system and I wouldn’t suggest buying it.
• Both parents aren’t on board. When training your kids to problem solve, you’re going to want to be a unified front, so they can’t work one of you against the other. If one of the parents doesn’t believe in the product or think that there’s a problem, it’s going to be much less effective.

Those are three reasons why you might see negative Total Transformation reviews when you go searching the web. If you want to read my review, click here. We’ve got five challenging kids, we’ve worked hard on the techniques the program teaches, and both of us are on board. And it’s worked for us.

Want more information on the Total Transformation program? Click here for a page of testimonials and reviews for many others that have used the product.

I tell my 10-year old what to do more than ask him what he would do (I know, I know – I am totally working on letting him use his own brain more!). However, this telling thing not only does not work so well with my teens, it actually backfires resulting in anger or defiance for being treated like a “kid”. So this was the reminder.

Don’t tell a teen what to do, ask them “what are you going to do?” Let them talk through the situation and present their solutions. If you find that their choice is less than desirable, you can say “that is one solution, what is another?” James Lehman does say “that would not be my choice, but it is yours and we will see how that works”. All the time resist the urge to tell them the “best” solution because unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to them.

Then after they tried their solution, ask them how it went and what, if anything they would do differently next time. You could even incorporate some practice with helping them identifying their feelings by asking them how it felt going into the solution and how it felt afterwards. This would be a good jumping off point to maybe trying something different next time if it didn’t feel so well.

James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.