Kids are adverse to responsibility as north is to the south pole. They have learned from an early age that others will take care of them, feed them, bathe them, dress them. It is no big shock that responsibility is something we have to teach them because they are not born with it. So we must train and coach them in this arena.

It doesn’t help matters that responsibilities are normally B-O-R-I-N-G!! And we know that kids love to do exciting things. Cleaning their room or doing dishes are not stimulating for them, period. You could get creative in these activities and try to make them more interesting, however visions of broken dishes and clothes hanging from the ceiling fan do come to mind!

It usually is easier to just do it ourselves. Max Lucado, Christian author , says patience (or responsibility, if I may be so bold) means letting a child take 3 hours to do something that takes us 15 minutes to do. I don’t believe this is training them up to be successful adults. Groans, redirection, and complaints aside!

Let’s start here:

1. Early – Yep , the sooner you can training them to responsible the better you (and they!) will fair later. I did not want to spend all day cleaning up so I had 2 simple rules; pickup what you are playing with before you move on to something else and final cleanup half an hour before dinner. At first, I modeled (see training and coaching section below), then I worked side by side where I would pick up a block and then they would pick up a block, and finally I let them run solo. Also in this category would fall alarm clocks. Let them be responsible for getting up in the morning. As my kids got older, I added other responsibilities with this. Such as come out dressed.
2. Be an Example – Start using wording like “I am off to work. My job is my responsibility” or “Time to do laundry which is my responsibility”. Let them see you doing your responsibilities. Just as a side note, your word is vital in teaching so stay away from making promises you can’t keep. It will color all the rest of the important concepts you are using words to teach your children.
3. Train and Coach – Share with the child what exactly responsibility is. Such as, they are things you have to do, things you have made a commitment to do, or things where other people are depending on you to get done. For younger children, it is putting away your blocks after playing. For older kids, it is picking up your towel and clothes after your shower.

The coaching part is pretty much that. I had a physical therapist tell me “don’t correct his walking stance while he is going from point A to point B. He is focused and it comes off as nagging.” That means don’t start harping on him to clean the bathroom in the middle of the video game. Let him know that when he is done with that game, level, whatever, you want to talk to him. Then take him in the bathroom and coach. For example, “you did a great job hanging up your towel. Work harder here on picking up your clothes.” Don’t do it for him, coaches don’t throw the football if the quarterback didn’t do it right! And here is a good reminder – catch them doing it right – your praise is their reward! And vital in your relationship.

Believe me, I get it when it feels like all we do is train and coach, and coach and coach. But trust me, if we don’t teach them responsibility before they leave, they will be hearing the same things from adults, like “why didn’t you get that project done by the deadline?” or “why were you speeding?” and the consequences are much more severe than be held accountable for picking their towel!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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I have a child who is self-declared lazy. He has no bones about looking you straight in the eye and saying “NO” when asked to do something. And if he is mad because he can’t do something he wants, simply walking away is his method of rejection your request. Only if there is a tangible reward, he may comply. But if he can’t get his way, no carrot is sufficient.  Sadly, sometimes he will let others down just to not give in to us. Yeah, it is a lesson in frustration.

Now don’t get me wrong. We have trained this child up since he was a toddler, “brush your teeth, make your bed, get dressed”. As the years have progressed, daily and weekly chores were added with appropriate training, rewards and eventually consequences if needed. Then he hit adolescence and found out he has power. And the boy who decided at 2, he no longer wanted to wear diapers and potty trained himself in 3 days, used that inner drive to get only what we wants in life. I gotta teach this kiddo about accountability.

Since we can check off the training, we must still work on rewards and consequences.  I did find some good tips on how to do this in the Total Transformation parenting information.

A Different Way of Saying Things

Words are powerful. It always amazes how adding (or sometimes deleting!) a word can totally open up the communication between two people. Boy, can I use that for this new challenge.

1. Responsibility. Start pointing out all the responsibilities everyone in all the house is doing. “Cooking dinner is my responsibility”. “Dad’s responsibility is going to work so we can have food so I can cook dinner.” “Brushing your teeth is a responsibility”. You get it, I am sure.
2. Rewards. Now use the same philosophy with rewards. “This is your reward for doing your homework”. “You are getting this reward because you didn’t yell at your brother today”.
3. Consequences. Then – “This is the consequences for not completing your schoolwork”. You are getting this consequence because you didn’t complete your chores this morning”.

It might be helpful to have worked up some rewards and consequences beforehand. That way you don’t have to think on your feet. Ask them what they would like rewards to be, like what they would like to do. Just be sure it doesn’t money, buying or spending!  And remember teens rewards do not usually involve spending time with you.

Consequences also can be discussed.  This may look like withholding things, like electronics, or assigning extra chores. It is important here to find the buttons that work. If I were to withhold electronics and then assign extra chores, I would be spitting in the wind. Also, I have had to learn to be reasonable about my time lengths for consequences.

So I had better get started with this new language. The clock is ticking…

That’s a couple Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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We talk a lot about the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman, MSW, and I wanted to share a few Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. The program is full of ideas, tips, and tools for teaching parents to help their kids learn to problem solve, so here are a few that we use all the time.

Transition time. In our house, the kids can’t come to mom or dad with any problems or requests for 10 minutes after they get home. Here’s a fun video that we made to illustrate that point:

Demand and Expect Compliance. Compliance with family goals and rules is expected. It’s amazing how easy it is to let this slip, especially when the kids get to be teenagers. We have rules in our house like “no swearing, set computer/video game hours, and we go to church together as a family”. These are rules/goals that we have, and we expect the kids to follow them.

Give Basic Directions. Kids with low self-confidence have trouble getting going on projects, and sometimes need a running start. You can say “I’ll do the first 2 math problems, and you take it from there. Show me when you’re finished”. This works great for our kids.

Harmless Humor. I little humor never hurts – it can really defuse a situation! We’ve found that out in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned. She can get the mood tense real fast, and a little joke can relieve that tension nicely. However, one rule that Mr. Lehman says is that you don’t want to use humor to deal with inappropriate behavior.

Cueing. This is when you have a pre-arranged phrase that you use to let your child know they need to change their behavior. This works best with younger kids – we haven’t had the best success with teenagers with this technique. Here’s are two examples from the Total Transformation workbook: “When I ask you, ‘How’s the weather right now?’ it means look at how you’re behaving in the store.” And “When I tell you ‘That’s enough’ when your friends are over, it means I’m going to ask them to leave unless you stop immediately”.

Use Strategic Recognition and Affection. This is huge. I can’t believe how much my kids’ behavior improves when they think they’ve done a good job (been successful) at something and I recognize them for that. They just light up!

Pick Your Battles. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. When in conflict, use positions that are justifiable, not arbitrary. Something they can’t argue with. Mr. Lehman uses this example: “You know the rules. You can’t go to parties where no parents are home. It’s unsafe”.

There you go – just a few of the many Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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I saw this funny video the other day, and while I don’t recommend this dad’s parenting technique (though it is tempting sometimes!), it got me to thinking about a parenting issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.

While I don’t think it’s right to lie to your children, I do think it’s right to tell them the truth – the whole truth – once  they get to a certain age. What exactly am I saying? Just that while it’s OK to build them up and work on giving them confidence, I think we need to be honest with them about where they are in life.

Case in point

Our daughter was doing poorly in school the last few years. “C” average at best, and many classes that she actually flunked. We’d go in to her conferences, hoping that the teachers would be honest with her, and tell her that her chances of getting into college were going down the drain with her grades, but they’d listen to her statements of “I want to be a doctor” or “I want to be a social worker”, or whatever, and they’d nod and say “That’s awesome that you have those dreams. You can do anything you set your mind to.” That kind of talk.

I think too often nowadays people aren’t honest with other people for fear of hurting their feelings, damaging their relationship, or just not caring! That’s not right! My wife and I have talked to our daughter until we’re blue in the face, but of course she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe if one of her teachers would shoot straight with her she’d listen to them.

It’s worth a try, right?

We got an interesting post on our forum recently from one of our faithful contributors, Jeri from Valley Family Life that does respite care with RAD kids, among other things. It was in response to a question about how to handle “tweeners“. Here it is.

 How I Handle All Kids

While I totally agree with the techniques and the whole idea of the post, I have sadly come to doubt the last sentence – that real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behavior. I found that out recently at my daughter’s school. My hope is that more teachers, judges, peers, parents, and friends will start being honest (in a loving way) with our children today.

Do you need help with your parenting?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – and it’s right along these lines of helping your child to learn to problem-solve and cope in the “real world”.

About the author: By Matt Hellstrom

Matt is the parent (along with his wife Julie) to five wonderful kids. He has been self-employed for 25+ years and is the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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Apologies are an interesting thing. We were taught as youngsters to always say “sorry”. That is the right thing to do. It just has always bothered me, first to tell my kids to say it and second, the way they say it. ‘Soooorrry’, sniff just does not evoke relationship mending feelings. Over my parenting years I have learned a few things that might clear up and direct us in a more positive training approach in regards to “I am sorry”.

1. Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry.  But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
2. What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
3. Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t  be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
4. Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!

I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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Hi! I’m Julie and I am an enabler! Yep, I figured this out (with a bit of help from my therapist – OK, a lot of help from my therapist!) recently. You see I got crossed up along the parenting way. The confusion came on slowly and was not even recognizable until it was too late.

Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.

1. It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
2. I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
3. And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.

Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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Raising children is interesting isn’t it? Every day, something new comes up so that on the job training is the norm. Now, if you are raising Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos, every moment can feel like on the job training as it is very different than raising “typical kids”. And what is more difficult is that most parents (and professional people) don’t get it either. It is definitely a horse of a different color.

How are ODD kids different than typical kids? Mostly in the area of control. Typical kids allow authority figures to have some control over them. However, not ODD’s! They fear loss of control to authority figures, especially parents. And when they feel out of control, they feel unsafe, which causes them to do whatever is necessary to regain their sense of security. Bang holes in the wall to get out of time out, break dishes when emptying the dishwasher, etc. Whatever it takes to get you to make them stop so they don’t have to do what you have told them. Viola, back in control!

Below are some creative tips that I have used to let them feel in control and get what I want too!

1. Don’t ask them a general or blanket question. This would look like – please change those pants or please empty the dishwasher. I can just feel the battle lines being drawn here with a resounding NO! Instead, try this – do you want to wear these shorts or these jeans? Or do you want to put the dishes away on the bottom shelf or the top shelf of the dishwasher first? You get what you want and he has control over the how.
2. Determine if this is a battle you must win. Such as he must get dressed as you are both leaving for an appointment.  If it is, then make a move to remove his control. “You can either put these shorts on or I will put them on for you”. (Disclaimer – some kids don’t like to be handled and physically touching them can send them into the fight/flight/freak/freeze part of their brain.)
3. Walk away. James Lehman calls this Stopping the Show. It presents as their losing control and most of the time they will follow after you. I found this most effective when I do need to go somewhere and I pick up my purse and head to the door without a SINGLE WORD. If the goal is to get them to accomplish something, then nothing good happens until they do what is expected. This may mean no tv, computer or playtime, something like that, even the next meal may be delayed until they get up to speed.

Creative parenting is exactly what it sounds like. And these helpful hints can be and should be tailored to fit you and your ODD sweetie’s needs and personalities.

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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This journey of parenting RAD teens makes me feel like I am groping along blindly in a black tunnel. The statistics are not encouraging either – over age 13 the success rate drops dramatically in healing these kiddos. Notice most camps are only up to age 12? After the hormones kick in, you start facing those challenges too!

And there just isn’t all that much information out there either. I am basically taking what I can find on RAD adolescents and combining it with what I know about parenting Oppositional Defiant Disorder children. Sounds fun, huh?

So I thought I would share a few tips that work for me (for now!).

1. Jumping jacks/strong sitting give way more to jumping on the trampoline. That brain still gets stuck but teenage “saving face” takes over. Since our goal is to help them get unstuck and not humiliation, this route seems to be the path of least resistance.
2. Find cue words. Let the teen pick a few cue words for tramp jumping, correcting an adult redirection, or respectful “yes mom” replies. Once again, humiliation is not my goal.
3.  You can have more indepth conversations about choices. Especially “what would you do different next time” conversations. I really utilize ODD talk here from Total Transformation – “that is one choice, what might be another?” Or “that wouldn’t be my choice, let’s see how it works for you”.
4. Freedom reigns supreme in their minds. So using responsibility as the key to freedom privileges seems to be more successful as well as losing them too!

I started on this route out of desperation after I noticed that the RAD techniques used for younger children (sit here on this rug and do legos, color, do puzzles kind of things) were causing behaviors that did not work towards opening their hearts. Or letting go of their fear and thus their need to be in control.  I have seen more healing in adapting the techniques to take into consideration the teen factor. I have only just begun.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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I went to a training this last week put on by Nancy Thomas locally. It was an excellent opportunity that I couldn’t pass on and I am glad I went. I found as always answers to my questions that I didn’t even know I had until someone else asked them. And one I want to share with you now.

You know how when your kiddo needs a consequence the first time (not the 31^st!)? Well, that’s all fine and good until they refuse. Like if they keep tipping in their chair at dinner and you tell them to give you the chair and they look at you with their ever so sweet, NO WAY look, then what?! Here’s what – you have 3 SECONDS before their brain shifts to flight/fright/freeze mode. So you say to them quickly – “Don’t do it now. Just rest: stand, sit, lay down, kneel”. And then move away. If they stomp to the corner, great place for them to rest (they listened as they are standing!) and tell them so, if they slam back down in the chair, again great place for resting (sitting).

Next you go have some fun with the other kids and your spouse (if possible). Dance to some music in the living room. Play freeze tag outside or shoot hoops, play a board game with lots of laughing. The goal is for the kiddo to shift and calm down. You will eventually (I know, hopefully sooner than later) get the chair and they can move on. They may choose however long they want to wait, so feed them a sandwich and milk at their resting spot if they go through mealtime.  And put them to bed in their room at night. Just ask them to let you know when they are ready to give you the chair.

It works. I know, I have already had to try it!

Looking for help with your RAD kiddo? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!

Want to interact with other parents? Our parents forum is a great place to do that! Check it out today!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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I have always gone back and forth over charts. In the past, I mostly feel like I have to direct the kid to the chart and remind them of the reward constantly. In the end, I am well-trained – to read a chart! So the struggle has been for me that I do believe rewards are valuable in training new behavior. I guess in light of that, behavior charts can be helpful.

I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.

Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc.  just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).

And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.

Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle).  And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!

So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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