Apologies are an interesting thing. We were taught as youngsters to always say “sorry”. That is the right thing to do. It just has always bothered me, first to tell my kids to say it and second, the way they say it. ‘Soooorrry’, sniff just does not evoke relationship mending feelings. Over my parenting years I have learned a few things that might clear up and direct us in a more positive training approach in regards to “I am sorry”.
- Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry. But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
- What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
- Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
- Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!
I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!
If you’re looking for Total Transformation program reviews, you’re going to find stuff that’s all over the board. There are some people that really love the program (like me) and some that can’t stand it. There are also those that call it a scam, but I’m not going to talk about those people here. I’ve got an entire post dedicated to that topic.
So why is there such disparity when you look for Total Transformation program reviews on Google or another search engine? Here are a few reasons I came up with:
- Total Transformation by James Lehman is a product that you have to use. Many people get all excited about something because they think it’s going to solve all their problems magically – like a silver bullet or something. That’s just not how it is. Everything takes work and the Total Transformation program is no exception. There is much to learn and practice, and it just doesn’t happen overnight. The whole premise of the program is to teach us as parents to help our children to learn to problem solve, and that’s not an immediate fix. Yes, there are some techniques in there that help you to stop arguments quickly and easily, and to change some of the unwanted behaviors pretty fast, but if you really want a lasting change, you’re going to have to work at it.
- It’s not for some kids. The Total Transformation program is designed for difficult, challenging children – ones that might have special needs like ODD, ADD, ADHD, Asperger’s, etc. These children are abusive and out of control and if you’ve got those kinds of kids this program is going to help. If you’ve got normal kids that are just a little obnoxious once in a while (as all kids are!) you’re not going to need this system and I wouldn’t suggest buying it.
- Both parents aren’t on board. When training your kids to problem solve, you’re going to want to be a unified front, so they can’t work one of you against the other. If one of the parents doesn’t believe in the product or think that there’s a problem, it’s going to be much less effective.
Those are three reasons why you might see negative Total Transformation reviews when you go searching the web. If you want to read my review, click here. We’ve got five challenging kids, we’ve worked hard on the techniques the program teaches, and both of us are on board. And it’s worked for us.
Want more information on the Total Transformation program? Click here for a page of testimonials and reviews for many others that have used the product.
I was watching the Jump Start DVD from James Lehman in his Total Transformation program yesterday and it really hit home with me and made sense. Mr. Lehman talks about parenting the child you have, not the one you wish you have. When you have kids (or adopt them, as we did) you have this picture in your mind of what that child’s going to be like when they get bigger. What I’ve found is it’s very hard to get that picture out of your mind when you find out what the child is actually like.
One example is sports – Dad dreams of having a son that plays football, basketball, and baseball like he did when he was a kid. He enrolls his child in T-Ball, Pop Warner football, and so forth, faithfully attending all the games and encourages him all along the way. But the kid wants to be in band and debate. So Dad needs to drop his dreams, and encourage the child in the child’s dreams.
Having a special needs child is another great example, used by James Lehman in the video above. He talks about you having to be a special needs parent in order to be able to give that child the tools he needs to survive and be successful in the world today.
Total Transformation gives you those tools. This program is not for parents of compliant, well-adjusted children. It’s designed for parents of defiant, out-of-control children who may suffer from ADD, ADHD, ODD, Asperger’s, and many other disorders. Take a look at their website and see if what he talks about resonates with you in any way. It’s helped our family, and I bet it can help yours too!
I had a valuable reminder this week on how best to handle teens, whether they do or do not have child behavior problems. In parenting a range of kids, sometimes crossing from age to age presents itself with unique challenges. It seems my teens get the short end of the stick with letting them become independent. Let me tell you what I mean.
I tell my 10-year old what to do more than ask him what he would do (I know, I know – I am totally working on letting him use his own brain more!). However, this telling thing not only does not work so well with my teens, it actually backfires resulting in anger or defiance for being treated like a “kid”. So this was the reminder.
Don’t tell a teen what to do, ask them “what are you going to do?” Let them talk through the situation and present their solutions. If you find that their choice is less than desirable, you can say “that is one solution, what is another?” James Lehman does say “that would not be my choice, but it is yours and we will see how that works”. All the time resist the urge to tell them the “best” solution because unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to them.
Then after they tried their solution, ask them how it went and what, if anything they would do differently next time. You could even incorporate some practice with helping them identifying their feelings by asking them how it felt going into the solution and how it felt afterwards. This would be a good jumping off point to maybe trying something different next time if it didn’t feel so well.
James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.
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