Back in 1996, then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote a book called “It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us”. She got a lot of flack when she wrote the book, including Bob Dole’s quote “With all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child.” At the time, I couldn’t have agreed with Mr. Dole more. Now that I’ve got children with special needs, I’m leaning a little the other way. Not in the way Mrs. Clinton intended it, but I’ve found that when you’re trying to raise these kids, it’s imperative that you have a village to help you raise them – you just need to make sure it’s the right village!
One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child. And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.
The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.
First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:
- Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
- People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
- Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.
Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
A+ Child Requirements
We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.
Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:
Respectful
- Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
- Leave other people’s things alone
- Keep your word
- Be kind
Responsible
- Do your chores without being asked
- Fast and snappy and right the first time
- Clean up after ourselves
- Ask for help
- Be honest
- Take care of feelings in an OK manner
Fun to be around
- Don’t call names
- Give people a chance
- Brush teeth
- Listen and don’t interrupt
- Don’t swear
- Good manners
In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:
- Embarrassed
- Angry
- Happy
- Lonely
- Sad
So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
How to stop inappropriate child behavior. Now doesn’t that sound like I have the magic bullet? It might not be a bullet, but there is definitely a key technique that aims right for the behavior in being able to help our child change. And that is by pointing out to the child how they would benefit from stopping the behavior.
We all know our kids first default can be to selfishness. So we as smart parents can use that to our advantage, and ultimately theirs. If our kiddos are prone to lying or manipulating, show them the benefits of stopping. Such as “Aren’t you getting tired of losing video game privileges for lying? It doesn’t hurt me to take them away, only you. And you know the rules, the consequences will stop when the lying stops.”
Be sure not to engage in feeling statements – ones that infer that you are being hurt or something like that where the child learns that their bad behavior causes you pain. These kinds of statements only lead to power and control struggles. And really stuck kiddos like to see their parents squirm!
It also works in helping them to use their brains and start weigh consequences in their decisions. Losing video games over the weekend may not be fun when a great sleepover is planned. Stick to your guns and they will change. Trust me, they will eventually change and it is much better for you to help bring about that change, rather than the criminal system or a gang member!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
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