When my son was born, he seemed normal. He cried a lot, and slept very little, but some kids do that, right?

At two years old we noticed he was not talking the same as other two year-olds, so my husband and I took him to see his pediatrician. After explaining our concerns and after the doctor examined him, we were told that he was perfectly normal, and that we had nothing to worry about.

I still had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. He was easily agitated, and wouldn’t respond to me the way I felt he should. He was a bit “cut-off” from his surroundings. My attempts to potty train were futile. Moms have a special connection with their babies, and I knew he struggled on a social level. We took him back to the doctor, and had him examined again. This time we were also concerned about potty training. The doctor asked him questions, all of which our son, Gabriel, did not understand. Our little boy gave no eye contact. He was frightened when the doctor tried to put a tongue depressor in his mouth. Instead of taking his time and being patient, the doctor grabbed him and forced the tongue depressor down his throat, practically lying on top of him. Gabriel was terrified. We never went back to this office again. We changed pediatricians.

Was Gabriel Autistic?

At the new pediatrician, he was once again examined. We feared maybe he was autistic, as our friends and relatives had warned us. But this doctor said he did not feel that he was autistic. There was a slight possibility that he was on the autism spectrum slightly, but autism was not a concern. He referred us to an audiologist to test his hearing. During the hearing appointment, my husband held him on his lap and Gabriel was excited about this new experience. His passed his hearing test with flying colors which was good, but in a way not-so-good, because he still wasn’t responding normally on a social level. The audiologist told us that there were no doctors in Spokane to help him and that we’d have to look for doctors on the west side of the state. My husband and I both work, and that would be almost impossible, and our hearts sank. We got him involved in skating lessons, swimming lessons, and gymnastics which he loved, but he still made little effort to connect with other children. He seemed to never understand what the teachers were saying. He simply watched and followed.

We went back to our new pediatrician who, at our pleading, referred us to an autism specialist here in town. When we called to make the appointment, they said she was booked out for a year, but they would take our name and call us back.

In the meantime, upon revisiting our pediatrician who continued to reassure us that our son was not autistic, and to stop worrying about the potty training, he recommended speech therapy through a major hospital group in town. We began speech therapy. Each appointment our son was sat in a chair and not allowed to fidget. He was spoken to very matter-of-factly, as were even my husband and I. We were treated less than polite. Gabriel became bored quickly during his therapy and began to dread going. Whenever we had a question for the therapist we were answered in a condescending fashion. One day we received a bill for over $500 from the speech therapy service. When I called about having it sent to the insurance, they informed me that it was our responsibility to do that. I was amazed. Didn’t hospitals usually do that? I had to find out how to send this bill to our insurance. In the end, it was what was left over after the insurance paid. The speech therapy service only bills the insurance for a certain amount of visits. After that, it was our responsibility. We had to come up with the money. We no longer could afford speech therapy for our son.

One day at our son’s preschool, one of the moms gave us a pamphlet for speech therapy through Ritecare Spokane. We had never heard of it. We took the pamphlet and decided to check it out. When we called, they put us on their waiting list. A few weeks later, they got us in for an initial appointment. We were received warmly and treated with respect and dignity, and like we were family. The therapists smiled and laughed with our son and obviously enjoyed what they were doing. We could hardly believe what was happening. They got us in for appointments. Each session, the therapist got down on the floor with Gabriel and played with him. She interjected amazing techniques for him to open up and engage with her. After a few sessions, we were seeing a difference at home. What’s more, they offered classes for parents! We signed up and went to every class we could. And what makes this even more amazing is that it was offered free of charge.

Here, Gabriel finally got his diagnosis: Auditory processing delay

After a couple years of therapy, Gabriel came out of his shell, and began to excel at everything. At the recommendation of his preschool teacher, he stayed one more year in preschool before being pushed on to kindergarten. The therapists all agreed. Even when Gabriel completed his speech therapy at Ritecare, the therapists still called and wrote to see how he was doing. Gabriel had a special graduation from Ritecare, and was one of several wonderful children featured at their fundraisers, which we gratefully attended.

Three years later, we got the call from the autism specialist. Three years! I had forgotten all about them. They were supposed to call us after one year. My repeated attempts to get an appointment after not getting a call from them after a year were snuffed out as I was told to stop calling. We went in to see her, and after a thorough evaluation, we were informed that he was definitely not autistic.

The therapists at Ritecare were able to do what the doctors couldn’t.

Today, Gabriel has been able to excel at everything he does. He is bright and active, and in first grade, which he loves. He interacts with his peers, and shows concern for them. He is growing into a normal child, thanks to Ritecare, who gave him the appropriate diagnosis and therapy, and went above and beyond to educate us as parents to know what to do to ensure Gabriel’s longevity and success long after therapy is over.

It doesn’t help matters that responsibilities are normally B-O-R-I-N-G!! And we know that kids love to do exciting things. Cleaning their room or doing dishes are not stimulating for them, period. You could get creative in these activities and try to make them more interesting, however visions of broken dishes and clothes hanging from the ceiling fan do come to mind!

It usually is easier to just do it ourselves. Max Lucado, Christian author , says patience (or responsibility, if I may be so bold) means letting a child take 3 hours to do something that takes us 15 minutes to do. I don’t believe this is training them up to be successful adults. Groans, redirection, and complaints aside!

Let’s start here:

1. Early – Yep , the sooner you can training them to responsible the better you (and they!) will fair later. I did not want to spend all day cleaning up so I had 2 simple rules; pickup what you are playing with before you move on to something else and final cleanup half an hour before dinner. At first, I modeled (see training and coaching section below), then I worked side by side where I would pick up a block and then they would pick up a block, and finally I let them run solo. Also in this category would fall alarm clocks. Let them be responsible for getting up in the morning. As my kids got older, I added other responsibilities with this. Such as come out dressed.
2. Be an Example – Start using wording like “I am off to work. My job is my responsibility” or “Time to do laundry which is my responsibility”. Let them see you doing your responsibilities. Just as a side note, your word is vital in teaching so stay away from making promises you can’t keep. It will color all the rest of the important concepts you are using words to teach your children.
3. Train and Coach – Share with the child what exactly responsibility is. Such as, they are things you have to do, things you have made a commitment to do, or things where other people are depending on you to get done. For younger children, it is putting away your blocks after playing. For older kids, it is picking up your towel and clothes after your shower.

The coaching part is pretty much that. I had a physical therapist tell me “don’t correct his walking stance while he is going from point A to point B. He is focused and it comes off as nagging.” That means don’t start harping on him to clean the bathroom in the middle of the video game. Let him know that when he is done with that game, level, whatever, you want to talk to him. Then take him in the bathroom and coach. For example, “you did a great job hanging up your towel. Work harder here on picking up your clothes.” Don’t do it for him, coaches don’t throw the football if the quarterback didn’t do it right! And here is a good reminder – catch them doing it right – your praise is their reward! And vital in your relationship.

Believe me, I get it when it feels like all we do is train and coach, and coach and coach. But trust me, if we don’t teach them responsibility before they leave, they will be hearing the same things from adults, like “why didn’t you get that project done by the deadline?” or “why were you speeding?” and the consequences are much more severe than be held accountable for picking their towel!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

I saw this funny video the other day, and while I don’t recommend this dad’s parenting technique (though it is tempting sometimes!), it got me to thinking about a parenting issue that I’ve been struggling with lately.

While I don’t think it’s right to lie to your children, I do think it’s right to tell them the truth – the whole truth – once  they get to a certain age. What exactly am I saying? Just that while it’s OK to build them up and work on giving them confidence, I think we need to be honest with them about where they are in life.

Case in point

Our daughter was doing poorly in school the last few years. “C” average at best, and many classes that she actually flunked. We’d go in to her conferences, hoping that the teachers would be honest with her, and tell her that her chances of getting into college were going down the drain with her grades, but they’d listen to her statements of “I want to be a doctor” or “I want to be a social worker”, or whatever, and they’d nod and say “That’s awesome that you have those dreams. You can do anything you set your mind to.” That kind of talk.

I think too often nowadays people aren’t honest with other people for fear of hurting their feelings, damaging their relationship, or just not caring! That’s not right! My wife and I have talked to our daughter until we’re blue in the face, but of course she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe if one of her teachers would shoot straight with her she’d listen to them.

It’s worth a try, right?

We got an interesting post on our forum recently from one of our faithful contributors, Jeri from Valley Family Life that does respite care with RAD kids, among other things. It was in response to a question about how to handle “tweeners“. Here it is.

 How I Handle All Kids

While I totally agree with the techniques and the whole idea of the post, I have sadly come to doubt the last sentence – that real life will not make accommodations for our children’s behavior. I found that out recently at my daughter’s school. My hope is that more teachers, judges, peers, parents, and friends will start being honest (in a loving way) with our children today.

Do you need help with your parenting?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – and it’s right along these lines of helping your child to learn to problem-solve and cope in the “real world”.

1. Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry.  But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
2. What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
3. Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t  be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
4. Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!

I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!

Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.

1. It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
2. I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
3. And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.

Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

You know how when your kiddo needs a consequence the first time (not the 31^st!)? Well, that’s all fine and good until they refuse. Like if they keep tipping in their chair at dinner and you tell them to give you the chair and they look at you with their ever so sweet, NO WAY look, then what?! Here’s what – you have 3 SECONDS before their brain shifts to flight/fright/freeze mode. So you say to them quickly – “Don’t do it now. Just rest: stand, sit, lay down, kneel”. And then move away. If they stomp to the corner, great place for them to rest (they listened as they are standing!) and tell them so, if they slam back down in the chair, again great place for resting (sitting).

Next you go have some fun with the other kids and your spouse (if possible). Dance to some music in the living room. Play freeze tag outside or shoot hoops, play a board game with lots of laughing. The goal is for the kiddo to shift and calm down. You will eventually (I know, hopefully sooner than later) get the chair and they can move on. They may choose however long they want to wait, so feed them a sandwich and milk at their resting spot if they go through mealtime.  And put them to bed in their room at night. Just ask them to let you know when they are ready to give you the chair.

It works. I know, I have already had to try it!

Looking for help with your RAD kiddo? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!

Want to interact with other parents? Our parents forum is a great place to do that! Check it out today!

First, let them get those big feelings out. Yep, that’s right. Slamming doors, throwing things, even yelling are a.o.k. Only thing off limits is hurting others, themselves or animals. This was hard for me at first because I have walls and doors with holes and broken things. I have had to put away my most valuables and be prepared to buy replacement doors. Nancy Thomas highly suggests this. Material things at this point are not as important as healing their hearts. Now this doesn’t need to be done in the middle of the living room with grandma looking on in horror. Have a room, their room if necessary, that is safe and place them in there. Then let them get those big feelings out.

Then when they wind down, go in and sit down with them. Say, “wow, you had some big feelings to get out”. Snuggling and sugaring (see articles on sugaring RAD kids) are a great start. Then you can ask what they were feeling. And they will, at first again, say mad! Here you tell them, mad hides their real big feeling. And explain what that means. Here is a video that I love that best describes this process.

Last night, our #5 had a big feeling episode going to bed. Shoes, legos, clothes flew in his room. We were able to snuggle and sugar and tuck him in. Due to the late hour, we opted to finish in the morning working it out. His dad was amazing! As he tripped over the lego bin and spilled it, #5 became discouraged at the mess. Dad said when things are out of control it leads to more chaos. This kiddo hopped up (buzz word for brain) this morning and cleaned up his mess including the legos. He got to make it right, which heals his heart. And onto the identifying the mystery feeling behind the mad!

I saw a boy feeling lighter and more loving this morning, getting rid of some of the built up feelings in his heart. I know, trust me I know, it seems backwards as does most therapeutic parenting. But it’s best for them and it works!

Looking for a great resource for parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder kids? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!

One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child.  And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.

The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.

First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:

• Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
• People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
• Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.

Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

A+ Child Requirements

We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.

Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:

Respectful

• Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
• Leave other people’s things alone
• Keep your word
• Be kind

Responsible

• Do your chores without being asked
• Fast and snappy and right the first time
• Clean up after ourselves
• Ask for help
• Be honest
• Take care of feelings in an OK manner

Fun to be around

• Don’t call names
• Give people a chance
• Brush teeth
• Listen and don’t interrupt
• Don’t swear
• Good manners

In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:

• Embarrassed
• Angry
• Happy
• Lonely
• Sad

So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!

Looking for parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

We all know our kids first default can be to selfishness. So we as smart parents can use that to our advantage, and ultimately theirs. If our kiddos are prone to lying or manipulating, show them the benefits of stopping. Such as “Aren’t you getting tired of losing video game privileges for lying? It doesn’t hurt me to take them away, only you. And you know the rules, the consequences will stop when the lying stops.”

Be sure not to engage in feeling statements – ones that infer that you are being hurt or something like that where the child learns that their bad behavior causes you pain. These kinds of statements only lead to power and control struggles. And really stuck kiddos like to see their parents squirm!

It also works in helping them to use their brains and start weigh consequences in their decisions. Losing video games over the weekend may not be fun when a great sleepover is planned. Stick to your guns and they will change. Trust me, they will eventually change and it is much better for you to help bring about that change, rather than the criminal system or a gang member!

Looking for parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.