I don’t know if I am the only one, but my Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter blindsides me on a semi-regular basis. Now I know you must be thinking, “Will she ever learn?” but I am the eternal optimist. Or maybe just get caught up in the break from the fight? I am also a bit of a slow learner but I think this time around I have learned 2 things.
Triangulation is a way of life for a RADish. Even though it seems like everything is going great between you and your kiddo, she is working the other side somewhere. She has to have someone on her side to stay in control and in power. Believe me, there are enough people to join her. I have had go rounds this week with a counselor, a teacher, and a friend. This is not a common disorder known to most and I spend a lot of time educating people, though at times it feels like defending my actions.
Don’t take it personal. It is so very hard to have a friend tell you that you are not there for your child (don’t they see the bags under my eyes!) and I need to learn to communicate better with her. It is hard not to feel betrayed both by your daughter, who is trashing you, and the adult who should know me better. I think what really got me was that I had forgotten she did this and was under the grand illusion that we were in lovingly in sync. After processing that info for a while, I came back into adult thinking and realized she isn’t doing this to hurt me just to stay in control, then no one can hurt her!
Both these are burden lifting facts. I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder child and this is what she does. We are getting better (see the lovingly in sync part) but we have a ways to go!
If we can get these truths down as their parents, we can help to much better equip them for a successful life.
Want to learn everything there is to know about parenting reactive attachment disorder kids? Then pick up a copy of When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas today. We call it “The RAD Bible” – we refer to it 10 times a day, at least. Believe me, it will be the best $15 you’ve ever spent!
Too often people are afraid to use the words children discipline because it brings up visions of harsh punishment. The word discipline means to disciple, teach , and guide. The word punishment means to hurt. In keeping these definitions straight in our parent minds, we can discern when we are handling children behavior issues, the correct method to use.
There is no need to put on the guilt that has been unfairly attached to discipline and I will tell you why. Children mostly desire to know if they are loved and safe. And discipline takes care of both of those questions. First, guiding them away from incorrect behavior and towards correct behavior. This can and must be done in an almost matter-of-fact way. This approach is not unloving, but loving in that anger becomes a non-issue.
Secondly, with consistent discipline guidelines in place, the child knows there are limits and this makes them feel safe. Explaining the house rules ahead of time and sticking to them is good parenting. Look at it this way, the speeding ticket does not change just because the offender stomps his feet or slams the door. (They will test the limits, you can count on it!). You are teaching them that rules or laws apply to them no matter if they like them or not. Sticking to reasonable discipline is the way all people learn.
It is important for children to understand and see through your behavior that children discipline is a source of parental care and concern. Ultimately, you are doing your job well raising these kids up to be successful, productive adults.
Do you want to learn more on specific children discipline methods that can work for you?
Check out The Total Transformation to give you many great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Remember the program that we saw as teens called “Scared Straight”? It was about teenagers who were in juvenile detention that had meetings with adults currently in the prison system. The adult prisoners minced no words in explaining how they had wasted their lives and how these teens were wasting theirs too. And they used extremely graphic illustrations on what prison life was truly like.
So I was thinking the other day about how using that philosophy might work with my kids when doing their homework or chores seemed stupid to them. What if I sat down and told them what life would look like if they didn’t know how to write a sentence. Like no ability to submit a resume for a job or apply to college even. Or what if they didn’t learn how to vacuum their room or do their laundry. How could they expect to stay healthy in an unhealthy environment let alone attract a great mate if they couldn’t even wash the ketchup off their shirt.
And what if I started pointing out areas where they could expect to live or even jobs that they could expect to do. Maybe take them to a homeless shelter and let the people there share their stories. Explain to them with low paying jobs (if they could get one at all since they can’t add 2+2), they couldn’t afford a car or possibly not even public transportation. Then show them the distance from where they might live to the soup kitchen where they would eat. And explain how walking in the winter on unshoveled sidewalks in freezing sleet with a thin coat for long distances sounds somewhat unpleasant.
Don’t even get me started on all the perks they currently enjoy because Dad and I have college educations and good paying jobs (knowing how to add 2+2), like vacations, toys, video games, ipods, computers, trips to the doctor when they are sick etc.
After this stark reality check, I think I would simply state – “Now about doing that homework/chore?”
So maybe there are other parenting tools that would work before you had to use the Scared Straight philosophy. Check out The Total Transformation to give you some of these great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
One of the questions every parent asks when their children become teens (and start acting like teens) is “is this normal teen behavior or are they out of control kids?” So the best place to start to answer this question would be to determine a basic list of “normal” behaviors.
“Normal”
- Acting moody and secretive
- Spending a lot their time alone in their bedroom.
- Easily frustrated, short-tempered, impatient (esp. with parents)
- Door slamming and stomping up/down stairs
- Separating from family activities
- Saying things that seem mean like “Only my friends know what I mean. I hate you. I can’t wait until I can move out!”
- Seem unsatisfied and restless.
Though you may not like to hear these unkind and seemingly uncivil things, it is one of the normal ways teens separate from their parents to become their own person. The following are the “not so normal” list.
“Not So Normal”
- Any kind of physical or verbal abuse, including threats or intimidation, to others
- Abusing younger children including siblings
- Any lawbreaking activities, including getting arrested
- Coming home drunk or high on drugs
- Staying out all night
This is definitely not okay behavior and the sooner you tell your teen this out of control behavior is not acceptable the better off your life and theirs will be. Letting them continue this behavior will have dire consequences as adults.
But just telling them is not the solution. The issue here is their problem solving capabilities. They don’t know how to make friends or communicate in a way that gets their needs met, so they use drugs and alcohol and inappropriate behavior to meet their needs instead. Once you recognize this, you are able to equip them with the tools they need to be able to handle life and growing up in a positive, healthy way.
So what are tools out of control kids need and how do you teach them? Check out The Total Transformation to give you many great tips. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Do you have a child behavior problem around your house? The truth is good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like teaching, sewing, driving a car. I believe there are three important tools that our children are not born with and need to learn as a foundation for good behavior. These are: reading a social situation, managing emotions, and solving problems appropriately.
#1: Reading Social Situations
You and I both do this as adults. You walk into a room and assess the situation. Who is here, where are they sitting, what is the look on peoples’ faces, what is their posture, etc? Well our self-centered little ones normally barge in to a situation like a full force hurricane. Even the shy ones keep their heads down and don’t look around. So teaching them to read the situation helps them to determine if this is a good place to be. For example, if several kids are surrounding one child who looks scared, this is not a place to be. Or even if they are told to leave from a group of kids, it is best to do so as this is evidently a hostile environment.
#2: Managing Emotions:
Start by not asking “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” Ask the right questions when a situation, like hitting, appears.
Then give a consequence for that situation. Now I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Consequences alone are not enough to change the child behavior problem. It must be coupled with the learning process associated with the consequences to change a child’s behavior. The problem is actually not the behavior—the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave.
And then talk to your child about what he can do differently the next time he feels angry or frustrated. This can even be like role playing. And it gives them an arsenal ahead of time to use.
Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills
There really is not a good or bad child. There are children who know how to problem solve and those who don’t. So teaching them how to solve the problem is the key. If you do not teach your children appropriately how to solve problems, they will resort to what they know – hitting, yelling, hurting others (like a 2 year old). And this won’t work so well when they are adults in the work world.
And if they can get these tools down as children, their adult ‘tool belt’ will be much better equipped for a successful life. For more tools to help your child behavior problem, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
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