RAD Moms Have It Tough

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RAD moms have one of the hardest jobs in the world. When I say “RAD” moms, I’m not talking about “Radical”, as in super-cool, though that’s a pretty good description of them. RAD moms are mothers of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and let me tell you it can be a nightmare!

I’m a RAD dad, and I don’t have it as tough. Yes, it’s hard parenting these kids, but my wife is the one that really gets the brunt of the pain. Why is this? It’s because when a child is a baby, it’s the mom that’s supposed to take care of him or her. It’s the mom that’s supposed to hold them, to look in their eyes, to be the primary care giver. When that connection is broken or damaged for any reason, the child then learns not to trust anyone, especially the one that is supposed to take care of them. So then as that child grows older, the adopted mom get’s the anger transferred to them that was directed at their birth mom.

What happens is that the RAD mom gets abused by the child – verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. It’s very, very hard for that mom. The sad thing is that quite often that child is a perfect angel around everyone else, and people don’t believe that the mom is suffering.

So what can you do for a RAD mom? Here are a few ideas – I’m sure you can think of more!

Believe the parents! This is the most important thing, in my opinion. RAD kids lie almost all of the time, and they’re very good at it. One of the main reasons they lie is to triangulate – they get other adults on their side against their mom. Nancy Thomas says that when she is asked what she does for a living, she quite often says that she works with abused parents. This is very true! Please believe the mom and dad of RAD kids when they tell you what they’re dealing with!
Don’t hug a RAD child. The RAD kiddo needs to get all hugs and physical touch from their mom and dad. They need to learn to trust their parents!
Don’t buy into a RAD kid’s line of “I wish you were my mom, you’re a lot better than the one I have”. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder often shop around for new parents or better living situations.
Give her a break. RAD moms need an hour or two here and there to get their hair done or paint their nails. Go over to her house and let her do that.
Give her some time with the RAD dad. This is important – especially for them to have a weekend away from time to time. Learn to be a respite provider for this weary couple – click here for a good resource to teach you just that!
Most of all, be her friend. RAD moms feel isolated and defeated – they need all the friends they can get – mainly, to give them a shoulder to cry on and an ear for listening.

Those are a few ideas for helping out a RAD mom – put your mind to it and I’m sure you can come up with some more!

Are you a RAD mom looking for help? The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.

We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.

Don’t Forget To Have Fun

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Working with kids who have attachment issues can give you tunnel vision. Really, any kiddos with child behavior problems can monopolize your time and drain your energy. I have found that I have to be purposeful in planning fun when one kid’s problem behavior is using a lot of my time.

My kids are always up for a good tickle, so just catching them as they are walking by and tickling for a minute or two gets both of our laughter juices flowing. Nothing perks up a house more than the sound of laughter. Or I will pull out a quick board game in that dead time right before or right after dinner. Uno is usually quick and 2 or more can play and there is not a lot of setup to get going.

Another thing I like to do is snuggle with them. I pick 1 or 2 each day that get extended snuggle time. Crawling beside me in bed right before bedtime and telling silly jokes makes for a great end to some very long days. Or sitting on my lap (yes even my 13 yr old!) in the mornings while I am drinking coffee starts both of our hearts off the right way!

Or if I am on the run from doctor to counselor to family therapy, whatever kiddo is in the car might get a $1 cone compliments of McD’s! I park in the lot for just a minute and have some eye to eye contact with them while slurping away. It always pays back in spades.

I have found if I have these moments to look forward to, the tense moments from my “working on their life” kiddo is much easier bear.

Do you have kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.

We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.

James Lehman

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James Lehman created The Total Transformation, a comprehensive, multi-media program offering parents practical solutions to the most challenging problems facing them from their children, including disrespect, lying, swearing, defiance and acting out in school.

James Lehman, MSW (Masters of Social Work) worked for more than 30 years with troubled teens, children, and their families to educate, treat, and assist them in improving child behavior. He certainly had the experience to help these families, as evidenced by his own life.

James was born in 1946 and was abandoned at the age of 2 by parents unable to care for him. He was adopted by Teddy and Marguerite Lehman, who went on to raise him. He exhibited defiant behaviors as he grew up, and they gradually grew more severe, until he quit school, left home and lived on the streets of New York City. He started using drugs and alcohol, which eventually led to a life of crime. He spent more than 6 years in various prisons. He was then given an opportunity to participate in an accountability-focused treatment program.

After graduating from that program, he became a staff coordinator and his career as counselor and therapist began. He went to several schools including Fordham University and Boston University where he graduated with a Master’s Degree in Social Work.

While working at a residential treatment center, James began private practice and started providing treatment and training to families, schools and state agencies. This is where he started providing the tools to parents, teachers, and case workers that eventually were developed into the Total Transformation program, which is designed to teach kids problem-solving skills so they would be able to be successful in life without using disrespectful and abusive behavior.

James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him, and though most of the things he tells you in his program seem very simple and “are just common sense”, there were a lot that I didn’t think of on a daily basis. He has definitely helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend the Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to bring up properly.

Note: Information for this article was obtained mainly from the Total Transformation website and personal knowledge of the life and methods of James Lehman.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.

Safe Eyes Review – Internet Monitoring Software

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Do you have teenagers in your house? Then you absolutely have to have an internet monitoring software solution loaded on all the computers in your house! This is mandatory, and if you don’t have it there is no telling what your kids are looking at on the web.

Not only that, but in this age of social networking, sites like MySpace, YouTube, and especially Facebook are extremely popular – and extremely dangerous! One of the goals of users of MySpace and Facebook is to see how many friends you can get. I’ve seen kids with thousands! Do you really think a kid has more than 1000 friends, especially ones that he or she talks with on a regular basis? Doubtful! So obviously, many of these so-called “friends” are people that the kids don’t know at all. For this reason, there are many predators hanging around these sites. It’s no problem at all for someone to pass themselves off as someone they’re not and gain the trust of your child. From there, it’s simple to find out where they live and to possibly show up at your house!

Obviously, that’s not all. There are also sites filled with pornography, how to make weapons, hatred, and on and on. So what are you supposed to do about this?

The most important thing you can do is to get an internet monitoring software program. James Dobson recommends K9 Web Protection. I haven’t used this one, but it must be good if Dr. Dobson likes it. The one we use at our house is called Safe Eyes. I think this is the most advanced internet filtering software available. In addition, it’s extremely easy to use. It really works for our family.

Safe Eyes gives you a great amount of flexibility in how you limit your kid’s time on the internet and content they are able to view. You can set up individual accounts for each of your kids and you’re able to control when they can get on by time of day. You can also limit the sites they are able to view by the category. Some of the categories you can choose are Nudity, Pornography, Profanity, Swimsuits, Social Networking, Gambling, Jokes, and many, many more.

Another option that is available is to block certain video sites: You can block all YouTube videos, or any with inappropriate content. You can also block internet TV based on the rating of the show.

Music: you can block any music with explicit lyrics and if you want you can restrict peer-to-peer file sharing, which keeps your kid from sharing illegally downloaded music and videos. These type of files also often contain malware which can harm your computer.

You can also block and/or monitor instant messaging services like Yahoo!, AIM, and MSN/Live Messenger, and you can block access to web-based chat rooms.

Gaming/Gambling. You can block access to online gameplay and access to gaming websites.

You can block Social Networking sites and/or monitor posts containing addresses, profanity, and sexually suggestive terms. In addition, you are able to restrict access to email, whether it’s web-based or non web-based.

One of the other cool things about Safe Eyes is the fact that you get a report sent to your email from each computer and detailing each user’s activity over the prior period, whether it’s daily or weekly. It gives you the terms they searched on, sites that were blocked, and other various information. It’s a great accountability tool.

If you think your child will never look at any of these sites, think again! They’re young and they haven’t really developed a conscience yet, and these sites are extremely enticing. In fact, it’s not a bad idea to have this software on your computer even if you don’t have kids in the house – it will certainly cut down on temptation.

So, if you’re looking for a great internet monitoring software, look no further than Safe Eyes.

Note: If you’re looking for a program to limit the actual time the child can be on the computer, not just the internet, the one we use is ComputerTime. To read our review of ComputerTime, click here.

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.

Wimpy Mom

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I have thought that after all this time in working with attachment disorder in children that I was fairly straight forward and lovingly strict. Wrong! My adopted children have shown me that I am a wimpy, frightened mom.

You see last week, I took one of my sweetums to a week of respite therapy. It wasn’t total respite as I went too. This was mostly due to their older age and I knew I needed some fine tuning on my ‘loving mommy’ skills. And boy was that true! You see during the course of the week, I learned something about my style. I ask the kids permission when I ask them to do something.

Asking permission looks like this – “Son, hang up your coat, OK?” OK??? Well guess what follows normally? You’re right – “No” or “Why” – typical child responses. And it was so insidious, I didn’t even know I was saying it. I can imagine what my kids were thinking, who is in charge here? Me or her? And if it is me that is scary because I don’t know how to take care of myself. Of course, they are not even close to being able to express that and it usually came out in verbal abuse instead. So what is the proper ending to the request? Here you go – “got it?”. And amazingly, almost always their response is “Yes Mom!” And they do it!

So now, the arguments have decreased. And because I am still learning this technique, even if I say “OK”, I catch myself and repeat the instruction with the correct ending – Got it?!

Mom’s note: I’m happy to report that our children get healthier every day, thanks to the steps we’ve taken to bond with them. The most important resource we’ve found is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have. If there is only one resource you buy, make it this book!

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Disclaimer: We are not psychologists, counselors, or therapists. We are parents of children with special challenges, and the techniques, tools, and programs we recommend on this website have worked for us on our parenting journey.

Affiliate links may be used within this post for products we recommend. They in no way affect our judgment of said products, nor do they affect the price of the product.