One of the worst things we’ve done over the years is to let our kids use our brains. It happens all the time! It’s just a natural thing to do – they ask a question they can very easily figure out on their own and without thinking, you answer it. Argh!

So what am I talking about? Here are a few examples:

• “Mom, where’s my DS?”
• “Dad, where are my shoes?”
• “Mom, is it raining outside?”
• “What should I wear to school?”
• “What are we having for dinner?”
• “Mom, I don’t understand my homework!”

And on and on!

You know what we’ve found out? That if we let our kids use their own brains, they are remarkably intelligent – much smarter than I’ve ever given them credit for!

One of the things we do with our Reactive Attachment Disorder kids is when they break one of the house rules, we have them strong sit, do 5 strong jumping jacks, or jump on the trampoline. This helps them get “unstuck in their brain”. This process involves having them do the activity, then tell us what happened (what they did wrong). Lots of the time they’re doing something stupid and we start the process when we’re sure they don’t even know they’re doing something wrong. But about 99 percent of the time, when we ask them “What happened?”, they’re able to tell us exactly what the offense was! “I lied”, or “I wouldn’t stop talking”, or “I was arguing with you”, or “I was being annoying”, or “I didn’t obey”. They can be very articulate and spot on almost all the time.

To tell you the truth, I couldn’t believe that they would know what they did, because I don’t think like a RAD kid. I think “I’m not going to do that because it’s obnoxious”. They think “I AM going to do that because it’s obnoxious”. They think exactly the opposite from us most of the time. Our job as loving parents is to train them to think in the right way, using the front of their brain and not in a faulty way, using the back of their brain. So forge on, RAD parent! You’re awesome!

Do you have a RADish in the house?

The best book we’ve found for parenting our RAD kids is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have.

We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.

If you want to help your Reactive Attachment Disorder kid to become healthy, it’s important to get past the behavior problems that will drive you up the wall and interfere with the development of a loving relationship that is so vital to their healing. Here is a list of 7 ways that RAD kiddos will drain your power and keep you from getting close to them.

1. Using your brain instead of theirs. This is a biggie, and it’s what they do whenever they can. They’ll ask you a question that they know the answer to. They’ll constantly ask “Why?” On and on. You must not answer them – they need to figure it out on their own.
2. Homework. Around our house, this used to be a battlefield, but not anymore. Now, we set up a time and place for them to do their homework and if they don’t do it, they suffer the consequences at school. Plus, it’s their responsibility – we don’t help them or do it for them. That doesn’t teach them anything other than to use our brain (see #1 above!)
3. Lying. A normal child lies when confronted with misbehavior. RAD kids lie as a way of life. It’s like a hobby for them, and they’re extremely good at it! In fact, we’ve noticed that our youngest Radish will look you right in the eyes when he lies – and that’s about the only time he will! Just the opposite of normal kids, right? RAD kids will say they have spaghetti when they had a hamburger. It’s a test to see how gullible the adult they’re talking to is. RAD kids want power and control more than anything. When an adult gets angry over a lie, the message the child gets is that the adult is powerless to get the truth out of them and it reinforces the behavior. It’s better to err on the side of not believing a child than being duped. And don’t get angry!
4. Swearing. Don’t freak out when they swear! They’re just doing it for shock value – if you’re shocked, they’ll continue to do it! This is a good time to prescribe the behavior. Have them go to their room and prescribe 5 or 10 minutes of swearing for each offense.
5. Why? Never answer that question. Have a consequence ready and say something like “That’s a good question! After you’re done doing what I want you to do, you will sit down and write and answer to “why?” Keep all interactions to two sentences or less.
6. No. Get ready for this, because you’re going to get it! Here’s what we do: have them jump on the trampoline or give you 5 good jumping jacks. If they refuse to do this (which they probably will) tell them “Oh honey, I didn’t know you were too weak to do this. I want you to rest until you’re strong enough to do it – whenever that is! Not a problem”. Then, make sure you do some fun stuff with the other kids, but don’t let anybody interact with the weak child. Weak kids really need to rest and not be over-stimulated.
7. Triangulation. RAD kids are masters at this and they will do anything they can to triangulate other adults against their parents, especially their mom. The best way to avoid this is to clue the adults in that the child will come in contact before they do. Tell them the child is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and show them the list of Reactive Attachment Disorder Symptoms. If a child does manage to get an adult on his or her side against the parents, that person should be eliminated from interacting with the family, if possible. Nancy Thomas has a great video called The Circle of Support that you can give to close friends and family members to help them to understand the problem. If the child manages to pit dad against mom, it’s especially bad. Dad’s, please believe what your wife is telling you! Take it from one who know!

There you go – 7 ways RAD kids drain your energy and some techniques for dealing with them.

Having trouble with a RAD kid? Don’t even know where to start? Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of When Love Is Not Enough today. It will be the best $12 you ever spent.