Raising children is interesting isn’t it? Every day, something new comes up so that on the job training is the norm. Now, if you are raising Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos, every moment can feel like on the job training as it is very different than raising “typical kids”. And what is more difficult is that most parents (and professional people) don’t get it either. It is definitely a horse of a different color.
How are ODD kids different than typical kids? Mostly in the area of control. Typical kids allow authority figures to have some control over them. However, not ODD’s! They fear loss of control to authority figures, especially parents. And when they feel out of control, they feel unsafe, which causes them to do whatever is necessary to regain their sense of security. Bang holes in the wall to get out of time out, break dishes when emptying the dishwasher, etc. Whatever it takes to get you to make them stop so they don’t have to do what you have told them. Viola, back in control!
Below are some creative tips that I have used to let them feel in control and get what I want too!
- Don’t ask them a general or blanket question. This would look like – please change those pants or please empty the dishwasher. I can just feel the battle lines being drawn here with a resounding NO! Instead, try this – do you want to wear these shorts or these jeans? Or do you want to put the dishes away on the bottom shelf or the top shelf of the dishwasher first? You get what you want and he has control over the how.
- Determine if this is a battle you must win. Such as he must get dressed as you are both leaving for an appointment. If it is, then make a move to remove his control. “You can either put these shorts on or I will put them on for you”. (Disclaimer – some kids don’t like to be handled and physically touching them can send them into the fight/flight/freak/freeze part of their brain.)
- Walk away. James Lehman calls this Stopping the Show. It presents as their losing control and most of the time they will follow after you. I found this most effective when I do need to go somewhere and I pick up my purse and head to the door without a SINGLE WORD. If the goal is to get them to accomplish something, then nothing good happens until they do what is expected. This may mean no tv, computer or playtime, something like that, even the next meal may be delayed until they get up to speed.
Creative parenting is exactly what it sounds like. And these helpful hints can be and should be tailored to fit you and your ODD sweetie’s needs and personalities.
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
I have always gone back and forth over charts. In the past, I mostly feel like I have to direct the kid to the chart and remind them of the reward constantly. In the end, I am well-trained – to read a chart! So the struggle has been for me that I do believe rewards are valuable in training new behavior. I guess in light of that, behavior charts can be helpful.
I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.
Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc. just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).
And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.
Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle). And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!
So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!
Back in 1996, then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote a book called “It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us”. She got a lot of flack when she wrote the book, including Bob Dole’s quote “With all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child.” At the time, I couldn’t have agreed with Mr. Dole more. Now that I’ve got children with special needs, I’m leaning a little the other way. Not in the way Mrs. Clinton intended it, but I’ve found that when you’re trying to raise these kids, it’s imperative that you have a village to help you raise them – you just need to make sure it’s the right village!
One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child. And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.
The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.
First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:
- Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
- People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
- Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.
Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
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