We talk a lot about the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman, MSW, and I wanted to share a few Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. The program is full of ideas, tips, and tools for teaching parents to help their kids learn to problem solve, so here are a few that we use all the time.
Transition time. In our house, the kids can’t come to mom or dad with any problems or requests for 10 minutes after they get home. Here’s a fun video that we made to illustrate that point:
Demand and Expect Compliance. Compliance with family goals and rules is expected. It’s amazing how easy it is to let this slip, especially when the kids get to be teenagers. We have rules in our house like “no swearing, set computer/video game hours, and we go to church together as a family”. These are rules/goals that we have, and we expect the kids to follow them.
Give Basic Directions. Kids with low self-confidence have trouble getting going on projects, and sometimes need a running start. You can say “I’ll do the first 2 math problems, and you take it from there. Show me when you’re finished”. This works great for our kids.
Harmless Humor. I little humor never hurts – it can really defuse a situation! We’ve found that out in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned. She can get the mood tense real fast, and a little joke can relieve that tension nicely. However, one rule that Mr. Lehman says is that you don’t want to use humor to deal with inappropriate behavior.
Cueing. This is when you have a pre-arranged phrase that you use to let your child know they need to change their behavior. This works best with younger kids – we haven’t had the best success with teenagers with this technique. Here’s are two examples from the Total Transformation workbook: “When I ask you, ‘How’s the weather right now?’ it means look at how you’re behaving in the store.” And “When I tell you ‘That’s enough’ when your friends are over, it means I’m going to ask them to leave unless you stop immediately”.
Use Strategic Recognition and Affection. This is huge. I can’t believe how much my kids’ behavior improves when they think they’ve done a good job (been successful) at something and I recognize them for that. They just light up!
Pick Your Battles. You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. When in conflict, use positions that are justifiable, not arbitrary. Something they can’t argue with. Mr. Lehman uses this example: “You know the rules. You can’t go to parties where no parents are home. It’s unsafe”.
There you go – just a few of the many Total Transformation Techniques that work for us. For many more tools and techniques make sure to check out Total Transformation today. It’s worked for us!
As we sent our oldest off to college, things – okay emotions – started popping up that I could not have imagined in the darkest, sleepless night. Such as “we could no longer define ourselves as a family of seven”. And really not even 6 due to another child choosing a hard path outside of the house. But that’s another blog. That was surprising. Was I dealing with pride – “oh you have a large family, Yes, thank you I do”? Or was I dealing with loss?
Change was to be expected.
But I realized I did not anticipate this moment when we adopted him. Especially since I had longed to be a mom since I was a child. I wanted to enjoy every moment – live in the present. Not miss a second was my friends’ great advice. We have been doing this same routine for 18 years. So, lost was “it’s another day in the life”. No longer was I sure what our daily family life looked like. How does it reestablish itself?
As it got closer, I started examining – he was not going to be here daily, so there was the change of meals, laundry, babysitter, even chauffeur. Foreseeable. Not so much were the relationship pieces. With us, with his brothers, with his friends, at church. We have a new “oldest” sibling. How do the remaining kiddos readjust to this “at home” birth order?
Another shocker was the void at night when I went to bed. You know, it was the sense of all the chicks are in the nest and I can sleep. Logic has not yet won over that emotion. The sense of protection is hard for me to revamp, I can’t even imagine how my husband must feel here. I awake easier to noises, even the other kids moving around in their beds.
Am I over the top?
Does all of this sound like I am a way “over the top mom” who needs to lighten up and let go? Well, that too has been an emotional struggle. Am I? I have heard a few stories from my friends of the feelings during this transition. They seemed to be sad and then cope. However, one of my friend’s husbands tipped his hand on Facebook though and let me see the struggle is longer than the trip home from dropping them off at school. Phew! Also, the famous Dr. Drew Pinsky wrote an article for Parade magazine, “ The Empty Nest x 3” on 8/28/11, that too confirmed I am in normal emotion range!
For now, the Mighty Mighty Hellstroms are here (and there) – just under construction.
Hi! I’m Julie and I am an enabler! Yep, I figured this out (with a bit of help from my therapist – OK, a lot of help from my therapist!) recently. You see I got crossed up along the parenting way. The confusion came on slowly and was not even recognizable until it was too late.
Priding myself on not being one of these moms who ran to the school everytime my child was wronged or not always thinking it was the other kid’s fault, I thought I was right on track. Not so! Enter in the confusion. I thought for them! That’s right – they used my brain. Are you saying what in the world does this mean? Well let me tell you. It means instead of asking them what happened, what they needed to do or do differently next time, I told them! But why oh why would I do that? I shall explain.
- It took less time. Waiting for them to figure it out was time consuming and with 5 kids time was at a premium.
- I could ward off consequences. You heard me right! I could not stand to watch my kids hurt. My baggage coupled with my mama’s heart brought this beauty up.
- And I could do damage control towards me. Less yelling, less messes to clean up, etc.
Crazy thinking, huh? And crazier even still is that none of the above was true. It took more time and I had little control of the consequences, and then I still got major flak. But it happened and I became an enabler. There were other circumstances, of course, and not all mine. However, I am the parent and must take responsibility for my actions!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
I saw a picture of my daughter today, sleeping. She looked so peaceful and happy. How my heart ached for her, missing her as well as wishing her face looked the same when she was awake. Life has taken a turn that a year ago we had not foreseen.
She is my alphabet soup girl; RAD, ODD, SPD, ADD. We saw all of these come to a monstrous head when she hit puberty. And while we had been working on a few of those already, we were faced with hitting the ground running to save this one from falling off the edge. Sadly, it was a little too little, a little too late.
Her choices became so self destructive and abusive to us and our house that we made a last ditch effort. We found her birth mom. Fortunately, she is in a place in her life where she was able to come alongside us and our daughter. So we made the first of two hard decisions.
- We sent her to meet her birth family. Her hole in her heart that was meant to be filled by her birth parents love was massive. Questions of who do I look like, why did they leave me, why didn’t they come back for me had driven her for so long. Nothing we could do or find to help filled that void. We sought wise counsel and instead of facing a summer of legal issues , hospital visits, substance abuse, physical and emotional abuse by her, we bought her a plane ticket – one way.
- After spending the majority of the summer meeting everyone in her birth family and staying out of trouble mostly, the second choice was clear. She needed to stay. The path of destruction still had its mouth gaping wide open here and there only opportunity for a brighter future. While she is not strong enough (yet, we pray!) to resist the first one, we are hoping she will become strong enough to choose the latter. Time will tell. Right now she is angry and blaming us for ruining her life.
You know those stories of mom’s lifting cars when their kiddo is trapped underneath? Well that is how I feel now. I have done something I never thought I could do – send her away and then not let her return. I found my strength and now I hope she will too. And her peace.
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