Parents need to set limits with their kids of all ages. When they’re young, that’s not so tough. It’s easy to keep a toddler from touching the stove, or running out in the street. As they get older, especially into their teen years, it becomes harder and harder. Not only do the limits need to adjust over time, but they are also harder to enforce. This causes some parents to stop setting limits, or at least have trouble deciding how to do this. This is not a good thing!
Teenagers need limits just as much if not more than little kids. At that time of their life, they’re very confused and insecure about themselves, and they need to feel loved. Firm limits and boundaries show a struggling teen love. In addition, the choices they make as teenagers can have much farther reaching effects on them, some that may stick with them for the rest of their life.
Here are 3 ideas for setting limits for older kids and teens.
1. Plan ahead. Sometimes, when you run into child behavior problems with your teens, it’s hard to think on the fly. That’s why it’s good to have a predetermined framework of limits and consequences in place that you can fall back on in an emergency.
2. Work on your demeanor. This may not sound important, but the way you look and come across to your teenager is especially important when you’re dishing out advice or consequences. You don’t want your face to look to scary or mean. Practice in the mirror, and make sure your face looks kind and calm. I’ve noticed that with my kids that if I have a calm and kind demeanor, it really helps them to listen to me. If my tone is demeaning or harsh, it shuts them right down! Remember, kids are people too, and their feelings get hurt just like anyone else.
3. Talk with and listen to your teenager. Sometimes limits need to change, and it’s good to sit down with a difficult child if he looks like he’s going to test a limit – or if he already has. You might discuss his curfew with him, and make him a deal. If he thinks that it’s too early, you could say “OK, how about if you come home on time for a month, than we can look at changing it to a little later”. If he says “It’s no fair – my friends get to stay out until midnight, and I have to be home at 10″, you might say “I think 10 is safe. If you think you can stay safe until 10:30, let’s try that”. If they still want to stay out later, you could say “Let’s try 10:30 for a couple of weeks, and see how you do. Then we’ll talk about switching it to later”.
Limit setting is one of the most important things you can do for a child – don’t give up when you’re on the homestretch!
Do you have trouble setting limits for your teens?
For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Filed under Child Behavior Plan, Defiant Kids, Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills, Problem Solving 
It’s difficult to say “no” to your kids and with out of control kids it is actually harder. It’s also challenging to follow through. It’s kind of a knee jerk reaction. So then you usually are backed into a corner. You have to stick with your “no” and that’s when the trouble takes place.
Let us go through this slowly. Initially, you have said no to your problem children. Next question, you guessed it, ‘why’? A quick explanation is all you will need. If you start overexplaining, you are handing the power over to them. That is what a defiant child wants – power. And it is a quick road to go down, because we believe it is best to get them to comprehend and then they will be okay with your answer.
But they don’t get okay with the answer. What takes place is you end up compromising. And then you begin changing the rules. And whenever you do this, you are training your kiddo to not take no for an answer. This is not very good for a struggling teen.
And if you play this out, he not only is getting educated to take no for an answer, you are rewarding him too. Yep, if he makes you switch the rules to what he wants, he gets what he wants! Thus the reward. Here are 5 helping steps to sticking to your no.
- Set up your authority early on. Start setting boundaries very early in life. This includes good structure too. Such as holding your 3 yr. old child’s hand when crossing the road. This is your foundation.
- Look for over-stimulation. If your kid is over-stimulated, he will seem to be like one of those out of control children. And, thus, they have a very hard time following directions. The best thing to do right here is provide them a 5-minute break. Then give them a opportunity to do what they were asked. If they are not able, offer them a few more minutes in the room to quiet down.
- Do not allow them turn you around. If you have fairly given your child a short explanation and he starts to fight, the absolute thing to do is say “No, I am not going to discuss this any more”. Then walk away. DO NOT TURN AROUND. If you do, you provide him the power to turn you around every time.
- Explain to your kid the new guidelines. The best time to explain the new “no” guidelines to your defiant child is when everything is calm. Tell them ‘no means no’. Help them come up with some coping techniques if no is a word that frustrates them.
- Remember these 3 Parenting Roles: Instructor, Trainer and Limit Setter. All three of these roles are vital. The first 2 lead up to being able to effortlessly do the 3rd. A side note, not one of these roles is buddy. We are, however, to be friendly and show positive feelings to them.
That is the basic rundown. Hopefully, you will get a jump start on your child discipline at an early age, so you do not have to encounter kid behavior problems. Bear in mind, if you let them get away with not taking no for answer as kids, they’ll do it as grown ups. This will lead to problems in human relationships.
For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
Filed under Child Behavior Plan, Defiant Kids, Parenting, Positive Parenting Skills
by James Lehman, MSW
Many parents write in to Empowering Parents and ask, “Is it too late to change the way I parent my child—and will it actually work if I do?” In this article, James Lehman explains how you can change the way you parent, and why your child’s behavior has a much better chance of improving when you do. James gives you 7 ways to be a more effective parent, starting today.
Work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.
Some parents are afraid that their child won’t change no matter what they do. Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it’s easy for them to get discouraged. Some try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven’t been able to do anything about it.
I’ve found that if you don’t really take the time to think your response through, you often wind up simply reacting to the things your children do—and not responding effectively. Many parents become frustrated with their child’s behavior and want to give a punishment right away. Unfortunately, doing this doesn’t provide any effective training to the child; in the end, it’s just not helpful. There’s a big difference between the words “react” and “respond.” When you react, it’s almost like a reflex—your buttons are pushed, and you go into your routine. But if you’re responding, you’re being more objective. You’re still going to hold your child accountable, but you have more time to consider the consequence you’ll give him and what you want him to learn from it—and there’s less of a chance you’ll take your child’s behavior personally.
To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.
7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively
1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.
My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you’re going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others. Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.
2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most. When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don’t curse. That doesn’t help solve the problem, and I’m offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option. And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”
So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.
3. Explain the Change: If you’re going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don’t think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here. It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you’re going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you’re in your room, I’m going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.” Be clear on what you’re going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don’t let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”
I also suggest that you don’t make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.
4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don’t hurt other people by saying bad words.” Or “My goal is that you don’t steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don’t punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don’t throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day. So from now on, let’s figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.
It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn’t always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let’s just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn’t have to agree; it’s not a democracy. But it’s a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.
5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely. One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn’t have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.
6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don’t experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed. Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest. If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”
7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.
Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.
Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.
So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.
And remember: It’s never too late.
It’s Never Too Late: 7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com. |
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