by James Lehman, MSW
Have you ever listened to parenting advice, all the while thinking, “That won’t work with my child—nothing does. He’s too difficult; no one can get through to him.” If you’ve ever felt this way, stop what you’re doing and read this article. We sat down and talked to James Lehman, who explains how to get through to “hard case” kids—and how to manage their behavior effectively. (The good news? There is hope—and room to make some real changes that work.)
Q: James, what is your response to parents who say, “My child is really tough. He’ll never change.”
James: I understand that parents get frustrated and exhausted trying to deal with kids who can be really resistant and difficult. But I know from experience that that doesn’t have to be the case—there are other ways of solving the problems of acting out, defiance, attitude, and lack of motivation in children. I think when a parent says, “My child will never change,” one of the things they’re saying is, “My parenting style will never change; I don’t think there’s anything new I can teach my child. And because I’m stuck where I am, he’s going to stay stuck where he is.”
If your parenting style isn’t working and you don’t change it, it’s probably going to continue not working. That’s just a given. But if your parenting style develops and you learn different ways to coach, teach and set limits on your child, I believe that eventually you will see change.
Q: So is there any one thing a parent should be doing to help their child change?
James: In my opinion, people change for a variety of reasons, some of which can be hard to understand. The idea that it takes a certain amount of input, or that there’s one thing you should do in order for your child to change, is not really a logical one. It’s not like you can just wave a magic wand a certain way and get your child to behave. The truth is, different kids need different amounts of support. I think that it’s important for parents to understand the concept that knowledge is cumulative in kids. In other words, one bit of knowledge doesn’t create one bit of change. Rather, it takes a lot of bits of knowledge to create one bit of change. Really, the idea that kids won’t change is out of context with how they learn. If the approach you’ve been using isn’t working, try another one—trust me, you can learn more effective ways to solve the problem of inappropriate behavior. That’s something I’ve helped parents do my entire career—and I have seen true change happen over and over again.
Q: James, the first step for many parents is getting their child to listen to them. How do you go about doing that when you have a “hard case” kid who never listens to anyone—and especially not to his or her parents?
James: I think that this is another instance where parents have to look at their own skill base—and not at their kid’s. Understand that your child’s capacity to listen will be influenced by his age, his peer group, the setting in which you are having a conversation with him, and the issue at hand. And if your child is really angry and frustrated about something and you’re trying to reason with him, he’s not going to listen, plain and simple. Just accept that going into it.
I often ask parents to envision what might have to happen in order for their child to listen to them. What would be an ideal place for a talk? Most parents can describe the setting: it’s quiet, there are no distractions, everyone is calm, and they have a chance to really share their ideas with their child. I think all of these elements have to be in play in order to have any kind of discussion with your child.
Here’s another crucial thing to remember: kids will listen to something—and comply— when it’s in their best interests to do so. Let me be clear: kids don’t behave because they like their parents; kids behave because it’s in their best interests to behave. So parents who compromise about household rules in order to get their kids to do what they want are missing the point. Instead of trying to get your child to like you in order to behave, what you have to do is get your child to like his life, his privileges, his friends, and his independence. Because all those things that matter to us, also matter to our kids—and are incentives for them to try harder.
Instead of giving in to your child and trying to be his friend, communicate that it’s his responsibility to listen to you—and that he’ll be held accountable if he doesn’t. The relationship between responsibility, accountability and consequences can’t be stressed enough here. The message should always be: “You’re responsible and I’m going to hold you accountable.” And let him know there are going to be consequences if he doesn’t comply with the rules.
I also believe that parents have to say something worth listening to. Kids don’t listen to preaching. Kids don’t listen to labeling. And they don’t listen to name calling or blaming, either. I think it’s helpful to talk to your child in a direct, matter-of-fact way. Don’t personalize what is happening; just stick to the facts. Try to define the problem in a way that is solvable. “It’s your responsibility to take out the garbage. If you don’t, there will be consequences.” And let him know he’ll be rewarded if he is able to meet his responsibilities consistently. This is how you hold your child accountable.
Q: What are some tips for getting through to your child, especially if that child is a hard case?
James: Again, I think if your child sees it’s in his best interests to respond to you, hard case or not, he’s going to find a way to respond. To give you an example, we often see kids with behavior problems really getting along with teachers who are highly structured. That’s because the structure the teacher has set up makes it clear that it’s in the child’s best interests to behave. Sometimes that’s because the teacher doesn’t take any playing around and sets limits right away; sometimes it’s because the teacher gives consequences and rewards that the child finds meaningful. Remember, there always has to be interplay between structure that’s clear, and rewards that are meaningful. And if you find the right combination, your child will respond to you—whether or not he’s a hard case.
I also think that with hard cases, you have to be very clear about who you are. I don’t think you have to be hard yourself, but you have to be able to clearly define what you expect from your child. And let them know that you’re going to hold them accountable. I think kids who are hard cases often don’t see what’s in it for them. They might think, “So what’s in it for me if I clean my room? What’s in it for me if I do my homework?” I think the answer is to have a structure where you can show them what the consequences and rewards are. So they know what’s going to happen if they don’t finish their assignment or mow the lawn. It’s clear to them what they’ll get as a reward—and what might be taken away as a consequence.
I also believe there is a lot of legitimacy in giving kids more independence when they do things more independently. So you can say things like, “You can stay up half an hour later because you’ve shown me that you can be responsible with your reading homework.” That actually motivates your child to act more independently. And when I say independently, I don’t mean defiantly—I just mean independently. In other words, they’re able to meet their responsibilities without a lot of prodding or threatening or following up from you.
Q: What if you have a child who doesn’t seem to respond to consequences?
James: If your child doesn’t respond to consequences, then you simply haven’t discovered things that are consequential to him. Don’t forget, a consequence can be a reward, too. Too many parents use the term “consequences” when they mean punishments. Many kids become very resistant to the idea because of what they think it means. Instead, parents have to learn to use the carrot and the stick—not just the stick.
So again, once a child sees it’s in his best interests, a lot of things will change. Here’s a great example: Let’s say you have a kid who hasn’t worked hard in school, isn’t really committed to anything and is kind of lazy around the house, perhaps a little mouthy sometimes. And then one day he wants to get his driver’s permit. Oh man, do things change! All of a sudden, that same child is apologetic when he makes a mistake. He’s interested in doing the things you want him to do—and he’s willing to do his chores and homework. All because he wants to drive that car.
You might not have a car to use as a reward with your child, but there are other things that might work. In my opinion, parents have to develop a motivational system—a “motivational package,” if you will. That means that you should always have a menu of rewards on hand. And I think that list should come from your child. When times are good, I recommend that you sit down and say, “Hey, I’m making a menu of things we could do that you might enjoy. Can you help me out?” And by the way, you should also have a menu of consequences. It’s a mistake to have only one consequence that you use all the time. Instead, have a consequence system that allows you to have choices. So it’s not the same old, “Go to your room.” If you have a list of consequences, you can give your child and yourself a little more elbow room. Remember, consequences that are task-oriented are the most effective because they promote learning and change.
Q: What about parents who say, “I don’t know how to motivate my child—he doesn’t care about anything?”
James: I think parents should set goals with their children to motivate them. So a goal might be, “If you can clean your room for three days, then you get an extra half hour of computer time.” Now your child is working toward something reachable. But remember, the incentive has to be something your child wants. Things that tend to work with kids these days are cell phones, computers, video games, and television. These are all “carrots” we can use to give our kids the incentive to behave and be responsible.
By the way, I think for many kids with motivational problems, the right approach is, “We will give you half an hour on the computer; that’s our gift to you. Every member of the family gets it. And if you want more, then we need to see you trying harder and keeping up with your responsibilities.” I tell parents to limit time on the computer because I think a great opportunity is being missed here: you are squandering your chance to offer it as a reward. By limiting your child’s computer time, he has to put forth some effort to earn more. Be sure to clearly define what a child must do—and for how long—in order to earn that extra time.
And incidentally, it’s also been my observation that if you can’t motivate your child, something will someday. What I mean by that is that it’s important to know that there are other catalysts in your child’s life besides you—and that’s a good thing. I’ve seen teens who are slobs clean up their act when they get a girlfriend. Certainly kids go back and get their GED’s when they find out they need a high school diploma to get anywhere in life. So you are not the only change agent in your child’s life—but you are the most influential one.
Q: James, what would you say to parents who feel like their child is hopeless—and that nothing will work for them?
James: I would say that I understand—I think there are children who certainly make you feel hopeless when you’re trying to parent them. Believe me, I’ve worked with some entrenched, out-of-control kids over the years. But by using that system of responsibility, accountability and consequences, I saw many, many of those kids turn their lives around and go on to become successful adults. So in my mind, there’s always hope—but you have to be willing to work at it to create real change.
“My Kid Will Never Change.” When You’ve Hit a Wall with Your Child’s Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com. |
by James Lehman, MSW
When you have a child who acts out, throws tantrums or is disrespectful, their embarrassing behavior can make you want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Here, James Lehman, MSW gives you some tips on how to cope—and how to teach your child the skills he needs.
Many parents struggle with embarrassment when their kids act out. Often, this feeling is an emotional reaction to some imagined condemnation or judgment, not something that is actually occurring. If your child is screaming in the mall and another parent looks at you, you may feel like they’re judging you or thinking that you’re a bad parent, and you might be embarrassed. But let’s be honest, the only way to really tell what they’re thinking is if they turn to you and say, “You are a terrible parent.” For all you know, they might be saying to themselves, “My gosh, I remember when my son did that”; or “Boy, I’m glad I’m not going through that anymore with my daughter.” This brings me to the first rule about feeling embarrassed by your child’s behavior:
Ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?” I think this is the most important question a parent can ask when their child is having a hard time.
1. You are Not a Mind-reader.
When your child is acting out and you’re feeling judged by others, I think you have to stop and say to yourself, “I can’t read other people’s minds.” The truth is that if you try to imagine what others are thinking, 95 percent of the time, you’re going to read something negative there. That’s because whenever we’re negative, we interpret other people’s perceptions of us as negative. Let me put it another way: in these situations we don’t read people’s minds in search of hope. We read them in search of condemnation—especially when something is going wrong. So when you feel yourself trying to guess what your neighbor, your mother-in-law, or your friends are thinking, just tell yourself, “I’m not a mind-reader, I don’t know what they’re thinking.” Stop the tape that’s playing in your head and move on. This is also part of the process of learning how to talk to yourself in a way that promotes calmness, rather than panic.
2. Focus on the behavior at hand: It’s Not All about You—It’s about Your Child.
Remember, if your child is having a hard time, as the popular saying goes, “It’s not all about you.” Whether you’re embarrassed, afraid, irritated or angry at something your child has done, you have to stay focused on what he needs from you in that moment. Not what somebody else thinks. So ask yourself, “What does my child need from me right now?” I think this is the most important question a parent can ask when their child is having a hard time.
Keep the focus on your child and try not to get distracted. When kids act out in any way, one of the things they’re telling you is that they need some help. As a parent, you know your child best, so don’t be afraid to give them what they need. Sometimes your child needs attention. At other times, your child needs to be taken away from a stimulating environment, or have limits set. And at other times, your child just needs reassurance. Whatever it may be, focus on what your child needs; do not focus on reading other people’s minds and trying to figure out what they’re thinking of you.
3. Don’t Justify Yourself or Make Excuses.
Try not to justify yourself and make excuses when your child acts out or behaves inappropriately. Instead, make directive statements. Let’s say you’re at a party, and your child gets angry and starts yelling when you ask him to go sit down. Don’t invite people to offer their opinions or criticism. I think you can cut them off at the pass by saying something like, “I’m sorry, my son needs me right now”; or “This is his way of letting me know that he needs me.” When you say it that way, you’re not defending yourself against anything; you’re really just making clear, positive statements.
4. Instead of Responding to the Feeling of Embarrassment, Have a Plan.
If you have a plan in place for when your child acts out, you’re going to feel less embarrassed and more in control. Let’s say your family is going to a neighborhood barbecue. Before you leave, take your child aside and say, “Remember, if you swear at me, yell or are rude, we’re going to go home and you’re going to get a consequence for that behavior.” Your child says he understands, but even with this procedure spelled out, he starts yelling and curses at you in front of the other guests when you ask him to wash up.
First of all, understand that this experience is still going to be embarrassing. You can’t take away your feelings; you can only teach your child how to act more appropriately by setting firm limits and following through on them. Look at it this way: you can learn judo and self-defense and carry mace, but when you go into that parking lot at night, you’re still going to feel afraid. So know that you can’t take away those feelings of embarrassment when your child acts inappropriately—but you can have a plan in place that teaches him how to behave better the next time it happens.
By the way, in this situation, again don’t justify yourself or your actions—just leave. Tell the host, “Listen, I’ll call you later,” and go home. Don’t start making excuses and blaming yourself. As I said before, I don’t want you on the defensive, explaining your decisions to people. It’s none of their business unless your child did something to them. Show the host that you’re dealing with it, and tell them that you’ll be in touch later. Instead of asking other people for forgiveness for your child’s inappropriate behavior—because that’s what we want to do when we’re embarrassed—give your child what he needs and don’t over-explain your actions. You might have an urge to apologize for your child’s behavior problems, but don’t do it. It’s not healthy for you. Instead, you can call the host of the party later and say, “You know, I’m really sorry my son did that, but we’re dealing with it.”
Keep the focus of the interaction between you and your child, and on what he needs from you, not on what the other adults around you need. What your child requires in this case is some direct, immediate attention. The more you’re able to respond in these situations and follow through consistently, the more you’ll strengthen the parts of you that can defend your psyche against criticism.
After your child has acted out, when you’re driving home from the party, the mall, or the school function, you should not be replaying what you imagine everyone thought about your child’s behavior in your head. Parents will often drive home saying, “Oh man, they looked at me like I was an idiot. They’re going to talk about me at school; he knows my cousin.” But I think you need to forget about that; you can’t replay those feelings because it will only make them worse. I think that we have to be careful of these negative thoughts because they block us from being able to focus on our kids. A helpful thing to say to yourself is, “I can’t change the past, but I’m doing what I can about the problem now.” Say that to yourself a few times and hopefully it will help you focus on the task at hand.
5. Use “Avoid” and “Escape” as Short-term Strategies
When planning ahead for situations or outings where your child has acted out in the past, the strategies known as “Avoid” and “Escape” can be very helpful. This means you should “Avoid” people, stimulation and situations for which your child has not yet developed coping skills, and “Escape” situations in which your child’s coping skills break down.
As parents of kids with behavior problems, we should have two primary goals: the first is to get to bed tonight without a crisis. The second is to help our child learn long–term coping and problem-solving sills. The “Avoid” and “Escape” strategies deal with the first goal. We avoid situations our child is not ready for; we escape situations in which his skills get overwhelmed. Don’t confuse this with teaching your child coping skills. If your child can’t cope with the stimulation of a supermarket, you should avoid it for the time being, but you will have to come up with a way to teach him how to deal with the stimulation of shopping eventually. The same goes for Escape. If you’re at the mall, escaping that situation is a great short term response to a tantrum or screaming match, but over the long term, your child will need to learn coping skills to deal with that environment and how to deal in an appropriate way in those situations.
The Avoid and Escape strategies can help you in the following way. Imagine that you and your child are going to a party and you’re not sure if you should avoid it. Now imagine that you have an escape plan concerning how to handle the situation in case things start to break down. This will help considerably with any feelings of embarrassment you may have, because you’ll be in control of the situation. Remember, the main thing is to give your child what he needs in that moment and to be in control. Once you have that tool in your belt, you’ll spend less time reading other people’s minds and more time focusing on helping your child.
If you are in this situation with your child, I want you to realize that you can’t avoid your feelings, but you can manage situations in a way where those feelings won’t control you anymore. To put it succinctly, it’s not about controlling your feelings—it’s about managing the situation effectively.
Are You Embarrassed by Your Child’s Behavior? 5 Ways to Cope reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The |
The Truth About Bullies
by James Lehman, MSW
The public perception of bullying is that bullies are acting out to cover their own fears. They may indeed be afraid, but accepting this as a reason makes bullies sound like victims of their fears — like we’re supposed to feel sorry for them and not hold them responsible for their abusive actions.
The issue is not whether bullies are afraid. Bullies bully other people to feel powerful around them and to feel power over them. Bullies start out feeling like zeroes, like nobodies. When they intimidate, threaten or hurt someone else, then they feel like somebody. The key is the feeling of power.
We often think of the child bully as being male, but the percentage of girls who intimidate their classmates and siblings is increasing dramatically. Bullying doesn’t stop at the end of the school day, either. Whether bullies are at home, at school, or they’re threatening and intimidating other kids on the Internet, they’re going to act out to make themselves feel powerful. Many kids who are bullies at school are bullies at home. The most common victims are their innocent siblings.
What are the consequences of bullying? You may have heard about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when it comes to sexual victimization or assault. PTSD can occur any time people feel they have no control over the way their pain is delivered. They live in fear, not knowing when they’re going to be hurt. Kids who are constantly bullied and not protected will develop symptoms of PTSD — constant anxiety, constant fear, idiosyncratic behaviors to compensate for those feelings. They’ll fall behind in their development.
Dealing with bullies requires holding them strictly accountable for the abusive, hurtful or disrespectful things that they do to feel powerful. They need to practice appropriate ways to feel powerful — using social skills, articulating their feelings, communicating honestly with others and solving problems. Those skills are difficult to develop. It takes work; it’s like learning how to multiply or learning how to add. But it can be done. Holding bullies accountable for inappropriate behavior gives them boundaries and gives them a roadmap for doing that work.
If your child is a bully
If your child starts to exhibit bullying behavior, the first thing to do is realize it’s something you need to address. You can’t kid yourself that it will go away on its own. If adolescent bullies are not stopped, and not taught more appropriate ways to solve problems, they become abusive parents, spouses and bosses. We all feel powerless at times, but there are better ways to deal with that than to abuse other people.
You as the parent have to set a standard: No excuse for abuse. There’s no excuse for cursing someone out, for breaking something, for hitting anyone. The bully always has an excuse, a way to justify this behavior. This justification is so powerful that it takes the place of empathy for the other person. That’s why you have to have a no-excuse standard.
A kid may curse out his sister and say foul things to her and then make up some justification about what she was doing to him — “She went into my room again” or “She wouldn’t get off the computer.” Let the kid tell you the excuse, and then reiterate, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Don’t shut off communication, but don’t validate the thinking errors that go into the justification of abusive actions. There should be consequences for abuse. Later, you can talk about appropriate ways to handle a problem.
If your child is bullied
If your child is a victim of bullying, it may be because he is the sort of child who has difficulty standing up for himself. Bullies look for easy targets, because that makes them feel powerful. If you can teach a child not to respond to bullying, to walk away, bullies are less likely to press that child.
The most effective strategies for dealing with bullies are “avoid” and “escape.” These are things you can teach your children: Avoid bullies when you can. Walk away from them if they’re in your vicinity. If you’re being bullied and that doesn’t work, you need to get help from somebody who has more power than the bully. You shouldn’t have to fight because somebody else is a bully. Go to someone who has more power than the bully, like the teacher or the police. Teach your child that he has to hold that person responsible. Getting hit in school is still assault, and parents shouldn’t back off if that happens. You want the other kid’s parents down at the police station. You want them to be as uncomfortable as you are.
It hurts to be bullied, and this fact should never be minimized. Teachers, parents and school officials are sometimes inclined to say, “Well, they’re only kids. It happens.” It shouldn’t happen, and it’s adults’ responsibility to provide a healthy environment for our children. The best schools are the ones who develop a zero tolerance for violence and zero tolerance for bullying, and parents should demand that and support it.
At the same time, if your child is experiencing abuse at the hands of another child, ask this question: “What would you find helpful?” Find out what your child would find helpful to improve the situation. Here’s why this is important. If a child is being bullied at school and his parents just take over the situation, then he’s powerless on both ends. Be encouraging, give him a chance to work it out, offer some help and ideas. But also let him know that if it’s still a problem, you’re going to step in and protect him.
The Truth About Bullies reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The |
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