This morning our RAD kid decided he wasn’t going to school. We’ve struggled with this before, and now Nancy Thomas has given us the answer. At least it worked this time! I think it’s a great technique for Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos too. It should work for any kid that wants to have control.
The most important thing to do is not to argue with them. That’s what they want – it’s where they feel comfortable – in an argument or conflict. So what you do is act excited for them to be home. Here’s how it went for us this morning:
He likes to help make coffee, and we told him “Great! You’re really good at making coffee! There are a lot of jobs you can do without a high school education that need you to be able to make coffee! Like working at McDonalds. You could get a job at McDonalds and work there for your whole life. Everything you need to know to do that we can teach you at home – how to scrub the floor, how to make coffee, and how to clean the bathrooms. In fact, we have four of them in our house that you can practice on, and we can get started today! Cool!”
Guess what? You’re right – he went to school! And cheerfully, at that. You need to make it fun, not a fight, because that’s what they want! Take the conflict away and you’ll get much better results!
Another tactic to use when they refuse to go to school (or do their homework) is to say “Not a problem!“ (By the way, you have to have that sentence in your vocabulary and use it all the time. Whatever they do is not a problem for you. Big problem for them, but not for you).
So you say “Not a problem! You just stay home and miss school! Then when you have to take fifth grade again, you’ll be the tallest kid in fifth grade! That will be so cool! Can you imagine?” Then you get them started on a chore, to help teach them some skills that they’ll need when they don’t graduate from school.
If your kid is constantly saying they’re sick, you want to tell them “Not a problem. Go ahead and get in bed and I’ll take care of you. I can do that because I’m an awesome mom (or dad)!” Then, make sure that they don’t do anything fun like video games or TV for the whole day. At dinner time, check on them to see if they’re well enough to come up for dinner, then it’s back to bed for rest until bedtime. After a couple of days of this, they’ll learn that faking being sick and staying home from school is not the most fun thing to do.
One thing you do need to remember with these guys though is that school is tough. Most of the time they don’t really fit in real great and they struggle with the scholastic and social aspect of it. So if they do need a day off once in a while, make sure to let them have it!
Do you have a RAD kid in your house? I’ve recently been listening to a great set of CDs by Nancy Thomas called Healing Trust: Rebuilding The Broken Bond. It’s full of useful information, tools, and ideas for parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder kids.
We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.
I recently shared about my adventures in revamping some of my less than effective parenting skills with my kids who have reactive attachment disorders. I wanted to share another thing I was taught during that respite therapy week.
This second thing is not so easily identifiable. Mostly it came in the form of timidity, not addressing a situation as it happened because I weighed the cost. Who wants to get lambasted every time they try to parent, anyway? Or I would do an end run around the subject in hope of circumventing the child behavioral problem of verbal abuse. “Oh I can’t take you to the mall because I have to start dinner”. Reality – “I can’t take you to the mall because you shoplift” which is the real reason but not always the best way to state it. First answer is easier, but just doesn’t seem right even after I have said it. So how to answer?
The second answer is tougher but I learned a skill that instead of saying it in a form of a statement, I can say ‘No’ and then when they ask why, I ask a question. “Why do think you can’t go to the mall?” If they say they don’t know, then I ask them what loving mother would let their child go when the child hasn’t thought it through. However if they say “Because I shoplifted the last time I was there” – wonderful!
Why does this work? The person asking the questions has the power. And best of all for us energy-drained moms of RAD kids, they have to use their brain and not ours! After all, isn’t that what are working so diligently with them to do?
Looking for a great resource for parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder kids? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!
James Lehman created The Total Transformation, a comprehensive, multi-media program offering parents practical solutions to the most challenging problems facing them from their children, including disrespect, lying, swearing, defiance and acting out in school.
James Lehman, MSW (Masters of Social Work) worked for more than 30 years with troubled teens, children, and their families to educate, treat, and assist them in improving child behavior. He certainly had the experience to help these families, as evidenced by his own life.
James was born in 1946 and was abandoned at the age of 2 by parents unable to care for him. He was adopted by Teddy and Marguerite Lehman, who went on to raise him. He exhibited defiant behaviors as he grew up, and they gradually grew more severe, until he quit school, left home and lived on the streets of New York City. He started using drugs and alcohol, which eventually led to a life of crime. He spent more than 6 years in various prisons. He was then given an opportunity to participate in an accountability-focused treatment program.
After graduating from that program, he became a staff coordinator and his career as counselor and therapist began. He went to several schools including Fordham University and Boston University where he graduated with a Master’s Degree in Social Work.
While working at a residential treatment center, James began private practice and started providing treatment and training to families, schools and state agencies. This is where he started providing the tools to parents, teachers, and case workers that eventually were developed into the Total Transformation program, which is designed to teach kids problem-solving skills so they would be able to be successful in life without using disrespectful and abusive behavior.
James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him, and though most of the things he tells you in his program seem very simple and “are just common sense”, there were a lot that I didn’t think of on a daily basis. He has definitely helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend the Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to bring up properly.
Note: Information for this article was obtained mainly from the Total Transformation website and personal knowledge of the life and methods of James Lehman.
What is Attachment?
In order to understand exactly what Reactive Attachment Disorder (or just Attachment Disorder) is, first we need to explain what attachment is. Attachment in this defined in Wikipedia as “an emotional connection. Attachment involves being dependent on someone for something: emotional, mental or physical.” When we’re talking about attachment on this site, we’re talking about the bond between an infant and his mother. This bond significantly affects how that child will later form relationships with the world.
What is Attachment Disorder?
Attachment Disorder is defined as the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships. Unattached people have a complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with other people. The usually don’t develop a conscience and never learn to trust anyone. Because of this trust issue, they have to be in control and will not let others be in control of them. While it may not be a bad thing to not let others control you as an adult, as a child you need to let your parents control you. Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD kids, do not allow this to happen. They have to be in control at all times!
What is the difference between Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder?
Originally, the term given to this disorder was Attachment Disorder. Then, in 1980 “Reactive” was added to the term. At the time, the term Reactive Attachment Disorder only referred to children suffering from Attachment Disorder under the age of eight months. It has since been changed to include older children too. As far as we’re concerned, the two terms are interchangeable, and we’ll use them that way on our website.
What causes Reactive Attachment Disorder?
Bonding begins at conception. What the mother does even before the child is born directly affects the bonding ability and personality of the child. Drug and alcohol abuse, maternal stress or unwanted pregnancy can be causes of Attachment Disorder.
According to Nancy Thomas in When Love Is Not Enough, even if one of the following things occurs to the child before the age of 36 months they would have a high risk of Reactive Attachment Disorder:
- Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- Neglect
- Sudden Separation from primary caretaker (for example, illness or death of Mother or hospitalization of the child)
- Inadequate day care or change of day care provider
- Undiagnosed or painful illness, such as ear infections or colic
- Chronic maternal depression
- Several moves and/or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
- Unprepared mothers with poor parenting skills
Nancy says that these situations can cause the child to “shut down”, and not be able to trust, love, or care. They must be in control and they learn to manipulate and have no conscience development
What can be done?
Thankfully, there are many things that can be done to help the child attach to their mother! Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!
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