A+ Child Requirements
We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.
Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:
Respectful
- Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
- Leave other people’s things alone
- Keep your word
- Be kind
Responsible
- Do your chores without being asked
- Fast and snappy and right the first time
- Clean up after ourselves
- Ask for help
- Be honest
- Take care of feelings in an OK manner
Fun to be around
- Don’t call names
- Give people a chance
- Brush teeth
- Listen and don’t interrupt
- Don’t swear
- Good manners
In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:
- Embarrassed
- Angry
- Happy
- Lonely
- Sad
So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
How to stop inappropriate child behavior. Now doesn’t that sound like I have the magic bullet? It might not be a bullet, but there is definitely a key technique that aims right for the behavior in being able to help our child change. And that is by pointing out to the child how they would benefit from stopping the behavior.
We all know our kids first default can be to selfishness. So we as smart parents can use that to our advantage, and ultimately theirs. If our kiddos are prone to lying or manipulating, show them the benefits of stopping. Such as “Aren’t you getting tired of losing video game privileges for lying? It doesn’t hurt me to take them away, only you. And you know the rules, the consequences will stop when the lying stops.”
Be sure not to engage in feeling statements – ones that infer that you are being hurt or something like that where the child learns that their bad behavior causes you pain. These kinds of statements only lead to power and control struggles. And really stuck kiddos like to see their parents squirm!
It also works in helping them to use their brains and start weigh consequences in their decisions. Losing video games over the weekend may not be fun when a great sleepover is planned. Stick to your guns and they will change. Trust me, they will eventually change and it is much better for you to help bring about that change, rather than the criminal system or a gang member!
Looking for parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
In my ongoing research to be an A+ parent, I look at a lot of different child behavior programs. And one thing I have found that is always present in the solid programs is consistency. Let me explain.
You know that I am a big fan of the TV show “Super Nanny”. And one of the many reasons is because she stresses consistency in parenting, especially in her time out philosophy. Every time, follow the steps:
- Warning
- To time out spot with explanation why there
- Time limit (1 minute for each year)
- Take back to time out spot if they leave before time is up WITHOUT talking
- When time is up reiterate why placed there
- Apology from kid
- Hugs
- And move on!
Every time it is the same process. Don’t give up in the middle, either. It works – I have seen it. And one of the two reasons it does – consistency (the other is you are being the parent).
Whether you have RAD kids or not, consistency in your parenting techniques are vital. Two of the main reasons that first come to mind are that kids need to feel safe and it makes parenting somewhat easier.
First, if a child knows what to expect most times for whatever happens, it makes them feel safe and safe feels loving. As a side note, I am not saying you have to prep them everytime before you do something (and this is especially a no-no for RAD kids), it just means that they know already how things are going to be handled. Then they get to use their brain in weighing their decisions. That is great!
Then, we as parents deal with being thrown curveballs daily. So any consistent, do-the-same-way-most-of-the-time techniques give us a bit of relief from having to think on our feet again. Nice respite.
Consistency is just another great tool in our parenting toolbox!
Looking for help with difficult kids?
James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.
This morning our RAD kid decided he wasn’t going to school. We’ve struggled with this before, and now Nancy Thomas has given us the answer. At least it worked this time! I think it’s a great technique for Oppositional Defiant Disorder kiddos too. It should work for any kid that wants to have control.
The most important thing to do is not to argue with them. That’s what they want – it’s where they feel comfortable – in an argument or conflict. So what you do is act excited for them to be home. Here’s how it went for us this morning:
He likes to help make coffee, and we told him “Great! You’re really good at making coffee! There are a lot of jobs you can do without a high school education that need you to be able to make coffee! Like working at McDonalds. You could get a job at McDonalds and work there for your whole life. Everything you need to know to do that we can teach you at home – how to scrub the floor, how to make coffee, and how to clean the bathrooms. In fact, we have four of them in our house that you can practice on, and we can get started today! Cool!”
Guess what? You’re right – he went to school! And cheerfully, at that. You need to make it fun, not a fight, because that’s what they want! Take the conflict away and you’ll get much better results!
Another tactic to use when they refuse to go to school (or do their homework) is to say “Not a problem!“ (By the way, you have to have that sentence in your vocabulary and use it all the time. Whatever they do is not a problem for you. Big problem for them, but not for you).
So you say “Not a problem! You just stay home and miss school! Then when you have to take fifth grade again, you’ll be the tallest kid in fifth grade! That will be so cool! Can you imagine?” Then you get them started on a chore, to help teach them some skills that they’ll need when they don’t graduate from school.
If your kid is constantly saying they’re sick, you want to tell them “Not a problem. Go ahead and get in bed and I’ll take care of you. I can do that because I’m an awesome mom (or dad)!” Then, make sure that they don’t do anything fun like video games or TV for the whole day. At dinner time, check on them to see if they’re well enough to come up for dinner, then it’s back to bed for rest until bedtime. After a couple of days of this, they’ll learn that faking being sick and staying home from school is not the most fun thing to do.
One thing you do need to remember with these guys though is that school is tough. Most of the time they don’t really fit in real great and they struggle with the scholastic and social aspect of it. So if they do need a day off once in a while, make sure to let them have it!
Do you have a RAD kid in your house? I’ve recently been listening to a great set of CDs by Nancy Thomas called Healing Trust: Rebuilding The Broken Bond. It’s full of useful information, tools, and ideas for parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder kids.
We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.
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