1. Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry.  But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
2. What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
3. Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t  be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
4. Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!

I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!

You know how when your kiddo needs a consequence the first time (not the 31^st!)? Well, that’s all fine and good until they refuse. Like if they keep tipping in their chair at dinner and you tell them to give you the chair and they look at you with their ever so sweet, NO WAY look, then what?! Here’s what – you have 3 SECONDS before their brain shifts to flight/fright/freeze mode. So you say to them quickly – “Don’t do it now. Just rest: stand, sit, lay down, kneel”. And then move away. If they stomp to the corner, great place for them to rest (they listened as they are standing!) and tell them so, if they slam back down in the chair, again great place for resting (sitting).

Next you go have some fun with the other kids and your spouse (if possible). Dance to some music in the living room. Play freeze tag outside or shoot hoops, play a board game with lots of laughing. The goal is for the kiddo to shift and calm down. You will eventually (I know, hopefully sooner than later) get the chair and they can move on. They may choose however long they want to wait, so feed them a sandwich and milk at their resting spot if they go through mealtime.  And put them to bed in their room at night. Just ask them to let you know when they are ready to give you the chair.

It works. I know, I have already had to try it!

Looking for help with your RAD kiddo? Nancy Thomas gives all the answers in her book When Love Is Not Enough. If you’ve got a child that you suspect has RAD, you must get this book!

Want to interact with other parents? Our parents forum is a great place to do that! Check it out today!

I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.

Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc.  just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).

And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.

Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle).  And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!

So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!

So why is there such disparity when you look for Total Transformation program reviews on Google or another search engine? Here are a few reasons I came up with:

• Total Transformation by James Lehman is a product that you have to use. Many people get all excited about something because they think it’s going to solve all their problems magically – like a silver bullet or something. That’s just not how it is. Everything takes work and the Total Transformation program is no exception. There is much to learn and practice, and it just doesn’t happen overnight. The whole premise of the program is to teach us as parents to help our children to learn to problem solve, and that’s not an immediate fix. Yes, there are some techniques in there that help you to stop arguments quickly and easily, and to change some of the unwanted behaviors pretty fast, but if you really want a lasting change, you’re going to have to work at it.
• It’s not for some kids. The Total Transformation program is designed for difficult, challenging children – ones that might have special needs like ODD, ADD, ADHD, Asperger’s, etc. These children are abusive and out of control and if you’ve got those kinds of kids this program is going to help. If you’ve got normal kids that are just a little obnoxious once in a while (as all kids are!) you’re not going to need this system and I wouldn’t suggest buying it.
• Both parents aren’t on board. When training your kids to problem solve, you’re going to want to be a unified front, so they can’t work one of you against the other. If one of the parents doesn’t believe in the product or think that there’s a problem, it’s going to be much less effective.

Those are three reasons why you might see negative Total Transformation reviews when you go searching the web. If you want to read my review, click here. We’ve got five challenging kids, we’ve worked hard on the techniques the program teaches, and both of us are on board. And it’s worked for us.

Want more information on the Total Transformation program? Click here for a page of testimonials and reviews for many others that have used the product.

One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child.  And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.

The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.

First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:

• Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
• People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
• Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.

Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!

Could you use some parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

A+ Child Requirements

We tell our children that they need to be A+ kids, and there are only three things they have to do to accomplish this. These three things are to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around. When you think about it, pretty much any behavior can fall in these three areas, and therefore if they aren’t A+ kids then you can name the category pretty easily.

Want some examples? We have family night every Saturday night, and on one family night much to my children’s chagrin we filled out a big poster board with examples of the three categories. Here are some of the things they came up with:

Respectful

• Saying “Yes, Mom” and “Yes, Dad”
• Leave other people’s things alone
• Keep your word
• Be kind

Responsible

• Do your chores without being asked
• Fast and snappy and right the first time
• Clean up after ourselves
• Ask for help
• Be honest
• Take care of feelings in an OK manner

Fun to be around

• Don’t call names
• Give people a chance
• Brush teeth
• Listen and don’t interrupt
• Don’t swear
• Good manners

In addition, we also came up with a list of “feeling words”, which we’ve discovered our kids have difficulty using. We’ve been trying to teach them how to tell each other (or us) how something makes them feel, instead of just saying “You’re a jerk” or “I hate you”. Some of the feeling words they came up with were:

• Embarrassed
• Angry
• Happy
• Lonely
• Sad

So, if you’re really looking for something fun to do on a Saturday night, make an “A+ Child” poster of your own!

Looking for parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

We all know our kids first default can be to selfishness. So we as smart parents can use that to our advantage, and ultimately theirs. If our kiddos are prone to lying or manipulating, show them the benefits of stopping. Such as “Aren’t you getting tired of losing video game privileges for lying? It doesn’t hurt me to take them away, only you. And you know the rules, the consequences will stop when the lying stops.”

Be sure not to engage in feeling statements – ones that infer that you are being hurt or something like that where the child learns that their bad behavior causes you pain. These kinds of statements only lead to power and control struggles. And really stuck kiddos like to see their parents squirm!

It also works in helping them to use their brains and start weigh consequences in their decisions. Losing video games over the weekend may not be fun when a great sleepover is planned. Stick to your guns and they will change. Trust me, they will eventually change and it is much better for you to help bring about that change, rather than the criminal system or a gang member!

Looking for parenting help?

One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.

You know that I am a big fan of the TV show “Super Nanny”. And one of the many reasons is because she stresses consistency in parenting, especially in her time out philosophy. Every time, follow the steps:

1. Warning
2. To time out spot with explanation why there
3. Time limit (1 minute for each year)
4. Take back to time out spot  if they leave before time is up WITHOUT talking
5. When time is up reiterate why placed there
6. Apology from kid
7. Hugs
8. And move on!

Every time it is the same process. Don’t give up in the middle, either. It works – I have seen it. And one of the two reasons it does – consistency (the other is you are being the parent).

Whether you have RAD kids or not, consistency in your parenting techniques are vital. Two of the main reasons that first come to mind are that kids need to feel safe and it makes parenting somewhat easier.

First, if a child knows what to expect most times for whatever happens, it makes them feel safe and safe feels loving. As a side note, I am not saying you have to prep them everytime before you do something (and this is especially a no-no for RAD kids), it just means that they know already how things are going to be handled. Then they get to use their brain in weighing their decisions. That is great!

Then, we as parents deal with being thrown curveballs daily. So any consistent, do-the-same-way-most-of-the-time techniques give us a bit of relief from having to think on our feet again. Nice respite.

Consistency is just another great tool in our parenting toolbox!

Looking for help with difficult kids?

James Lehman has a no-nonsense but compassionate way about him and he has helped our family to learn to problem solve, and our house to become a calmer, more peaceful place. I totally recommend his Total Transformation Program to anyone that has difficult children they are trying to raise.

The most important thing to do is not to argue with them. That’s what they want – it’s where they feel comfortable – in an argument or conflict. So what you do is act excited for them to be home. Here’s how it went for us this morning:

He likes to help make coffee, and we told him “Great! You’re really good at making coffee! There are a lot of jobs you can do without a high school education that need you to be able to make coffee! Like working at McDonalds. You could get a job at McDonalds and work there for your whole life. Everything you need to know to do that we can teach you at home – how to scrub the floor, how to make coffee, and how to clean the bathrooms. In fact, we have four of them in our house that you can practice on, and we can get started today! Cool!”

Guess what? You’re right – he went to school! And cheerfully, at that. You need to make it fun, not a fight, because that’s what they want! Take the conflict away and you’ll get much better results!

Another tactic to use when they refuse to go to school (or do their homework) is to say “Not a problem!“ (By the way, you have to have that sentence in your vocabulary and use it all the time. Whatever they do is not a problem for you. Big problem for them, but not for you).

So you say “Not a problem!  You just stay home and miss school! Then when you have to take fifth grade again, you’ll be the tallest kid in fifth grade! That will be so cool! Can you imagine?” Then you get them started on a chore, to help teach them some skills that they’ll need when they don’t graduate from school.

If your kid is constantly saying they’re sick, you want to tell them “Not a problem. Go ahead and get in bed and I’ll take care of you. I can do that because I’m an awesome mom (or dad)!” Then, make sure that they don’t do anything fun like video games or TV for the whole day. At dinner time, check on them to see if they’re well enough to come up for dinner, then it’s back to bed for rest until bedtime. After a couple of days of this, they’ll learn that faking being sick and staying home from school is not the most fun thing to do.

One thing you do need to remember with these guys though is that school is tough. Most of the time they don’t really fit in real great and they struggle with the scholastic and social aspect of it. So if they do need a day off once in a while, make sure to let them have it!

Do you have a RAD kid in your house? I’ve recently been listening to a great set of CDs by Nancy Thomas called Healing Trust: Rebuilding The Broken Bond. It’s full of useful information, tools, and ideas for parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder kids.

We’ve also had much success with Total Transformation by James Lehman. Though it’s not written specifically for RAD kids, the techniques we’ve learned in it have worked very well for ours.

Let me explain how this looks different:

1. A stern or mad face is a scary face. These kids see monsters when they see anger. The trauma that most experienced as infants causes them to live in the fight/flight/freeze/freak area of their brains. So anything other than loving or neutral eyes scares them and puts them back to that place they were as infants, no matter their age.
2. Chaos keeps them in control. Now that sounds like my behavior management program would shine here, but it actually was me doing all the work and not them. As they say in the “attachment” world, they were using my brain. So if they become defiant or out of control, saying “not a problem” (for me, not so for them) and walking away forces them to use the good part of their brain to solve the problem. Man, this is big in removing the stress in a situation.
3. They, falsely, believe they are strong. When they choose to operate out of the back of their brain, they are weak. And they don’t like to be told they are being weak. This works like reverse psychology actually, and when you tell them that they are being weak for themselves (in their bad behavior), it causes them to use their brain and figure out how to become strong for themselves (doing the good behavior).

So how does this all hit their heart? As they use the front, logical part of their brain more and more, they leave the area that causes them to protect themselves and they learn how to trust and love their parents. And the best part is they learn to accept our love for them.

Mom’s note:  The most important resource we’ve found is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. For parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder this is a must have. If there is only one resource you buy, make it this book!