Apologies are an interesting thing. We were taught as youngsters to always say “sorry”. That is the right thing to do. It just has always bothered me, first to tell my kids to say it and second, the way they say it. ‘Soooorrry’, sniff just does not evoke relationship mending feelings. Over my parenting years I have learned a few things that might clear up and direct us in a more positive training approach in regards to “I am sorry”.
- Say “Sorry”. Yes a child needs to apologize but it must be from a truly repentant heart. Otherwise it is just lying. They are not sorry. And now they are even more upset for being busted too! Teaching them what sorry really means is better first than just telling them to say sorry. You can say, “Look if you are not sorry, don’t say you are sorry. But you do have to say you were wrong and what you are going to do differently next time.”
- What sorry really means. Sorry must mean what they did is wrong. If they just sorry without stating what they did wrong, nothing is learned and nothing will change next time.
- Sorry but…This technique deflects responsibility. This means more training is needed in taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Don’t be afraid to address this. “Stevie, it sounds like you are apologizing but you are blaming your sister. So which is it? Are you sorry or is it her fault?”. This can enlighten you and lead to the next point.
- Problem solving. So what are they going to do differently next time? Here is where you get a chance to turn this around. Because, most of the time, the need for sorry has come out of poor problem solving anyway. You can talk to them directly or use the What Happened sheet. The What Happened Sheet has 5 questions – 1. What happened? 2- What was I feeling (let them tell you and mad is an okay answer for a while). 3 – How did you handle it? 4 – How did that work out for you? 5 – How can I handle it better in the future? Let them make the first suggestion and say something like “that is one way to handle it. Have you thought about this?” This is a good way to brainstorm and affirm their thinking on their own too!
I know this all sounds good in the quiet of the moment, right? Maybe there is a point to that. Not reacting in the heat of the moment might actually end up helping everyone in the long run!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is Total Transformation by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children – including this tip about not saying sorry if you don’t mean it!
I have always gone back and forth over charts. In the past, I mostly feel like I have to direct the kid to the chart and remind them of the reward constantly. In the end, I am well-trained – to read a chart! So the struggle has been for me that I do believe rewards are valuable in training new behavior. I guess in light of that, behavior charts can be helpful.
I also agree that we as parents (please excuse the generalization!) tend to only notice the bad behavior. Using a behavior chart could turn this around as you would be watching and catching them at doing good! This definitely is a self esteem builder for the kiddos.
Recently Total Transformation has come up with some of these charts pre-made and easy to print that are extremely useful. They can be custom-made to fit whatever area you need. And also to the pre-chosen reward. I highly recommend (as they do) only doing one chart at a time. Basically this means only working on one behavior at a time. Homework, bedmaking, bathing, etc. just pick one. (You can download all the charts here).
And then pick the reward, before you start the chart and not in the middle of a fight. This is important in making the chart work. Don’t default to candy if you can help it. Maybe an outing with you that they have wanted for a while or that special piece of sports equipment they have set their eye on. It will only work if they are invested in the reward.
Lastly, don’t expect them to get it right at first. Decide it will take a few reminders, but don’t go on and on (like I must have in the past) reminding them. Some behaviors they will have licked in a week, others may take longer. Don’t be afraid to admit that the chart may have to be extended if they just aren’t getting it (disclaimer here – be aware of them dragging this out as a power struggle). And remember, charts are not for every child or parent!
So click here to go to the page where you can download several different charts, and start changing your child’s behavior today!
If you’re looking for Total Transformation program reviews, you’re going to find stuff that’s all over the board. There are some people that really love the program (like me) and some that can’t stand it. There are also those that call it a scam, but I’m not going to talk about those people here. I’ve got an entire post dedicated to that topic.
So why is there such disparity when you look for Total Transformation program reviews on Google or another search engine? Here are a few reasons I came up with:
- Total Transformation by James Lehman is a product that you have to use. Many people get all excited about something because they think it’s going to solve all their problems magically – like a silver bullet or something. That’s just not how it is. Everything takes work and the Total Transformation program is no exception. There is much to learn and practice, and it just doesn’t happen overnight. The whole premise of the program is to teach us as parents to help our children to learn to problem solve, and that’s not an immediate fix. Yes, there are some techniques in there that help you to stop arguments quickly and easily, and to change some of the unwanted behaviors pretty fast, but if you really want a lasting change, you’re going to have to work at it.
- It’s not for some kids. The Total Transformation program is designed for difficult, challenging children – ones that might have special needs like ODD, ADD, ADHD, Asperger’s, etc. These children are abusive and out of control and if you’ve got those kinds of kids this program is going to help. If you’ve got normal kids that are just a little obnoxious once in a while (as all kids are!) you’re not going to need this system and I wouldn’t suggest buying it.
- Both parents aren’t on board. When training your kids to problem solve, you’re going to want to be a unified front, so they can’t work one of you against the other. If one of the parents doesn’t believe in the product or think that there’s a problem, it’s going to be much less effective.
Those are three reasons why you might see negative Total Transformation reviews when you go searching the web. If you want to read my review, click here. We’ve got five challenging kids, we’ve worked hard on the techniques the program teaches, and both of us are on board. And it’s worked for us.
Want more information on the Total Transformation program? Click here for a page of testimonials and reviews for many others that have used the product.
Back in 1996, then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton wrote a book called “It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us”. She got a lot of flack when she wrote the book, including Bob Dole’s quote “With all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child.” At the time, I couldn’t have agreed with Mr. Dole more. Now that I’ve got children with special needs, I’m leaning a little the other way. Not in the way Mrs. Clinton intended it, but I’ve found that when you’re trying to raise these kids, it’s imperative that you have a village to help you raise them – you just need to make sure it’s the right village!
One thing I’ve desperately learned is that I need to surround myself (and my family) with people who get what is going on specific to us. The isolation and loneliness without this only adds to the doubt that I am able to parent this child. And don’t even get me started on the crazy that follows that.
The issue we’ve encountered has been “Who can be a good support system?” Here a few things that I have figured out which might make this easier when you are deciding.
First, start with gathering good, succinct information on what you are following as your parenting technique. Causes, symptoms, and plan must be included. Second, hand it out to those who want in your circle of support. That would include:
- Extended family. They can be vital, ONLY if they agree to support your choices and decisions AND to follow them when they are with the child. If they cannot, unfortunately they will only make things worse. That doesn’t mean you can’t have contact with them, it just means it has to be limited and well supervised. Also, they would not be the people to call when your kiddo punches a hole in the wall!
- People who have children with similar issues. This has by far been one of my best areas of support. One day after my sweetie went running, my friend brought me over the greatest CD of music to uplift me. And with it, I got a much needed hug. Priceless!
- Support groups that are specific to your child’s issues. These can be found through counselors, doctors, on websites that you use for reference (which also are good if you can chat or message) or word of mouth. The information here might not be always exactly pertinent to your situation but just knowing you are not alone in your struggle is affirming.
Even if you end up with only one or two people coming alongside you, it is golden. Don’t go it alone – build yourself a village!
Could you use some parenting help?
One tool that we’ve used is the Total Transformation program by James Lehman. It’s given us a lot of solid, common sense ideas for parenting our challenging children.
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