I wanted to spend some time talking about the things I need as a parent to work on. You don’t find this information discussed in a lot of parenting skills arenas. And this tendency to not look within and be open about it, makes me feel like the areas where I am inadequate are horrible. And there is a sense of being hopeless that accompanies that because I don’t know what to do replace them and then with what?
The answers I was looking for I found, thankfully, in the Total Transformation program. It was as if James Lehman looked right inside me and pointed out the areas that were blocking my abilities to parent my kids well. These were things that made my parenting fail more than I wanted.
A Change is in the Air
I’d like to show you a few effective parenting tips that gave me results right away.
- Family business. Using a semi-formal business-like demeanor in handling out-of-line behaviors will leave you in the driver seat. When emotions are allowed to rule, control is given to the child. Their actions are not personally aimed at you, really! If you can remember they aren’t even sure who they are most days, it will help you parent effectively.
- Transition Time. This is one of my favorites. Basically, discuss with your children that there will be a 10-15 minute window when either of you gets home where no questions are asked or problems presented. Everyone gets these few moments to unwind, catch up on the news of the day and reenter the family. Doing this without being barraged will make you a happier, interested parent. And your teen won’t feel attacked.
- Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is some confusion here as we have always been told to love our children unconditionally. However, that is an emotional love and not a responsible love. This will lead your child to feel unsafe and unloved. A child feels loved when you set rules and are in charge.
- Replacement and reciprocity. Be prepared to give your child replacement appropriate behaviors. Mention the rewards and mutual benefits of dealing with the situation appropriately. This works much better than yelling “stop”. It does however require some thinking ahead as well as some creative thinking.
Please know that this is not the end of the list. We as parents can and need to constantly be improving and changing ourselves. This is vitally important if we were not shown good parenting as children. Don’t be afraid of these changes. The benefits you will reap will come in the form of a honest, loving relationship with these sweeties! And there is no cost too great for that!
For many more tips and techniques for inside out parenting, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
“Where are the behavior plans for these children?” Does this sound like you? Well look no further, there are behavior plans that will help you parent effectively. And they are simple to use.
James Lehman’s Total Transformation has several key concepts that teach your child responsibility and accountability. You will learn these concepts and also how to use them.
The Passwords
Behavior plans must have solid concepts that have been proven to work. Below are 4 of these that I found gave me results right away. Seeing these type of results gave me confidence in the program as a whole.
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Single Issue focus. Children love to get us off track with an unrelated argument. This trick can easily get you frustrated and make you forget what you wanted to do in the first place. You must be in control of the conversation so you can keep the focus on the issue. You can validate the child’s ‘other’ concern by setting up a time later to discuss it. Don’t be hesitant to have notes if you tend to get easily distracted.
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The Consequences. Be sure to tell your children what the consequences are when you are explaining the rules. These consequences are the best way to respond to bad behavior. They establish law and order. Remember, it is short term structure and values you are trying to maintain. Lasting change, however will not come from the consequences. It will come from the consequences causing them to yearn for their own change. Also base them on your child’s behavior, not what you think they are thinking.
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Selective Attention. While a lot of parenting skills takes fortitude, this one gives you a break. Simply ignore negative behavior that is not important. Behaviors that are meant to get attention can be ignored as long as they are not abusive. Everyone in the family (or involved in caring for the child) must be in on this. The upside to this is that you will pay close attention to positive behavior. This is where your child will benefit the most and where you will start to see a new effort on their part to change.
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Redirect Interest. This concept also utilizes another skill out of your parenting toolbox-creative thinking. When your child is stuck on negative thinking, change the topic. Switching the activity or conversation will stop the downward mood spiral. This concept can also work well when coupled with the above noted Selective Attention. This will also teach them how doing something positive and productive can change their mood.
These are just 4 of the important behavior management plan skills that can positively effect change in your kids without a lot of parenting effort.
For many more tips and techniques for behavior plans for your teens, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
James Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is help us parents give our kiddos the tools they need to solve their problems. The tools that promote responsibility taking and accountability.
Here are three strategies that you will give a straight forward direction in changing things and doing so immediately.
- Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
- Disconnect. Stop talking with the child if they become abusive and disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum and things will turn around right away. We started using this strategy and are amazed at the response. Communication does not resume until they admit their responsibility.
- The consequences need to be task-oriented and time-limited. When able, make the punishment fit the crime. Like, “no phone privileges until you finish your schoolwork”. Your child cannot be punished into behavior that is acceptable. It should be short term, not prison term.
In conclusion, don’t expect overnight results. Results will come, trust me, just not all at once. And then the blame will be replaced with gratitude.
A couple of notes – don’t allow your child’s words or actions to affect your handling of the situation. Being consistent is the number one rule in parenting. However, if you mess up, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are also in parenting training (or retraining). One thing you can count on, you will get a second chance to try out your new skills! By the way, these skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
Our primary job as a positive parent is to make sure our kids are able to function successfully on their own when they leave the house. Every decision we make should be made with that goal in mind. This knowledge and single-minded focus should help us to navigate the waters of parenting much easier, because we have a definite destination in mind.
So how do we accomplish this daunting task? By teaching our kids two skills – problem-solving and accountability. If you’ve got a disrespectful, belligerent child, you’ve probably got a child with a problem he doesn’t know how to solve. As a positive parent, we need to step them through the process of solving that problem, and being accountable for their actions.
- Problem solving journey. The best way to approach this important life skill is to start at the earliest age possible. If they make the mess, they clean it up. Teach them one block at a time. Then face the next problem with that same mindset, one step at a time. This in itself is teaching them problem solving at the core level, from stepping back to form a plan of action through to completion. Let them try, and fail if necessary. Do not rescue!
- Coach him forward. If you watch the last 2 minutes of a close NFL game you’ll notice the coach is usually all business and no emotion. This should be our goal as parents. We’re the trainers for the skills our children need to become successful, responsible adults. We need to be patient and calm as they go through the learning process.
- You are their 1st role model. Sorry it is true. They are constantly watching your every move, good or bad. And learning from it. Approaching problems with a calm examining demeanor will lead them to do so. Don’t fret if you get frazzled over the banged fender every now and again, telling your child you handled that poorly and how you would do it differently next time, teaches them how to positively handle mistakes. Also start handing over life situations. Let them pay for their Happy Meal. This will help them become comfortable with handling their own life.
- Be wise on when and what you teach them. Use your parent’s guage to determine what level of maturity they are at to determine what they can be successful at within a reasonable amount of time. Our goal is to teach them not defeat them. Let the bedspread be crooked and the crumbs be swept from the counter to the floor. Save perfecting these skills for the appropriate times down the road.
- Encourage exploration and experimentation. As they get to be a teen, you need to let them try out their own ideas for problem-solving and encourage and praise their resourcefulness.
- Keep setbacks and failures in perspective. This is life in a nutshell. Both experiences provide fertile ground for ongoing training. Look at these as opportunities that they are and you win. Calm and steady as you go and they win too.
While parenting, especially positive parenting, is a formidable task, do not lose heart. Especially with your teens. These previously mentioned skills will hopefully help you. These skills and many more are discussed in detail in The Total Transformation by James Lehman.
Positive parenting skills – not something you’re just born with! They need to be learned and developed over time. Unfortunately, as far as kids are concerned, the landscape is constantly changing. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, they morph into some other hideous creature that you don’t recognize and you’ve got to learn how to subdue! (Just kidding about the hideous creature – who would ever say that about their kid?)
You can get positive parenting skills in many places: Books, friends, classes, online courses, and many more places. In fact, just surfing the web can give you lots of ideas. Some of our favorite parenting books are Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
A good website with lots of great parenting articles is minti.com. This one is full of articles written by experts – parents themselves! Anyone can contribute. Here’s an article called Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children from another great website with tons of good parenting advice.
The best product we’ve found so far that gives us positive parenting skills that are effective, long lasting and cover a huge range of parenting issues is The Total Transformation by James Lehman, MSW. The strategies he uses are simple to learn. They also deal with the heart behind the behavior which is where the long lasting piece comes in.
One of the tips that seems universal and had an immediate effect in our family was the Disconnect technique. The premise of this is to stop communication with your child if they become abusive or disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum, and you’ll be amazed how fast things change. Communication should not resume until the child takes responsibility for their behavior. It is like a pressure release valve for the parent too. Screaming matches be gone!
This tool is just one of many that he outlines in this CD and DVD set. If you have a household that could use some peace and sanity, you need to read more here. Feel free to browse around this website and take away anything you need. We parents need to stick together!
For many more tips and techniques on parenting tools, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!
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